I Didn't Cause This

I write to process. I write to make sense. I write to consolidate what is swirling all around me.  I am seated here to do just this. To see if I can in some way, compile and what I ask myself, What is it that I am seeking? What is it , that I am wanting to know, make sense of, understand?

So much seems to be swirling all around me. As I was shoveling snow this morning I was reminded of the phrase from Al-anon, which says “I didn’t cause it.” If it was necessary for me to reduce the teachings of my life down to one phrase, at this very moment it would be this:

I didn’t cause it.

I mean, on some deeper Karmic level I know that I did cause this in some way or another, choices I have made are circling back with folks, opportunities to engage, patterns revealing, messages becoming clear. And, while it has nothing to do with me, meaning I did not cause it, it actually has everything to do with me. For this is my life and my life only. I live my life, no one lives it for me. Only me. Just as others live their lives and they live their lives for them, not me or anyone else. Although I have lived my life for others, for many, many, many years. It is only that I am just now really embodying this life as mine.

Which is why I am acknowledging that I didn’t cause it.

I didn’t and do not cause others to do what they do. This is a lie, a lie that had been told to me over and over and over again. A lie that we still tell our children. “When you_____, it made me_____.” While yes, we get activated and lit up or triggered as some folks say (I already have enough weapons in my mind, I do not need one with a trigger there), it has to do with us, OUR STUFF. It is our stuff that is getting lit up and shown to us. The actions of others show us that we have stuff within us that wants our attention, that wants to be addressed.  In these moments I am learning that these are opportunities for me to choose how I want to perceive the encounter, phrase or moment. I can choose to interact with it. I can choose to sit with it, face it or turn away from it. And these, I am seeing are opportunities for stuff, this caked on, dusty stuff, to be washed and cleansed away.

I have been sitting with a running list of stuff that I thought I have caused; I say running because it appears as if it continues to be added to, always dynamic, never static or “done.”

I’ve been writing this list down and speaking it out loud to a few dear friends. The list is full of shame and guilt, laced with incorrect views of my body and image of myself. This list has Victim view written all over it.

This has been swirling for a while now, this potential of me meeting this, facing this, uncovering this. It came to me full on, in a dream. A dream in which an intimate partner came crawling back to me after not being honest. He came back wanting to connect and be together again after being, the words that showed up in the dream were “untruthful.” When he dropped his head down, something on his back, at the nape of his next was revealed to me. A black scar or dot. I asked, “What is this?” He responded, “something.” I followed up with, “Why are you lying to me?” He replied, “I am not lying, I am not telling the whole truth.” 

Ah, the whole truth. What is this? The whole truth. Communication is something that is very important to me. I have been reflecting on my values and this is one of them, clear, direct communication. People have a way of manipulating and using words in their favor, crafting sentences, leaving words out, saying very little and this, I have found, leaves my mind confused. These choices of others send my mind on a trip and it is really unpleasurable.

This paired with my value of discernment has got me all tangled up. Returning, reliving, replaying events and conversations in my mind, trying to reveal and uncover something that I missed, something that I did not catch on to that was right in front of my face.

You see, this is one view of the truth. The other view of this same truth is that I know. There is a deep inner knowing that shows me what is going to unfold. Not all of the time. Some of the time, I get messages of what is about to happen or unfold, or I receive a sign. As I am learning, what is being revealed here is another lesson of discernment, when to listen and follow through on the sign and what happens when I don’t. When I do not follow through, I get really, really hard on myself. Self-doubt, blame, shame and guilt come flooding in. I am so disoriented in this state I do not know what is real or true.

Slowly, slowly, as I sit and recover, as I emerge from this I see clearly and I realize that this, whatever it was that I just endured or went through, was another lesson, another opportunity for me to learn more about myself. For those of you who read these entries, you will know what I am learning a lot about myself. Stuff that I have crammed away or swept under the rug, stuff that I do not want to face or have to deal with. This is the love of Shani Dev and the grahas, this is the power of their gaze and electromagnetic field. This is the time of great learnings and a great cleansing. A deep, deep clean.

When I dig deep, asking question after question, I continue to land on the response, “why does it matter?” The words that come are, “you hold yourself with your head held high, carrying yourself with and in integrity and honesty.” I am open, I share. I am in a place now where I am asking for what I need, what is best for me in the moment. I take responsibility and own when shit is mine. What I have found when I peel back each layer and uncover the shit that I placed under the rug or the bed, when I really excavate this, I realize that it either isn’t true or it has nothing to do with me.

Here is a glimpse of what got churned up as a result of this dream. The stories I was telling myself was that the relationship ended because:

I gained weight

He wasn’t attracted to me

I did something he didn’t like

I didn’t do what he wanted

I was needy

I don’t have a job

I am lazy

I want too much

I am too much

We are not aligned

He used me

He didn’t need me anymore

He didn’t like me anymore

Someone else came into the picture

I was too honest

He didn’t want to deal

Didn’t have time for me anymore

He was scared

That I have facial hair on my nose, upper lip, chin and between my eyebrows and I

       do not make time to tweeze regularly

That he thinks I am responsible for something that did or didn’t happen for him

That he blames me for something he is feeling and doesn’t like

I saw something in him he didn’t want others to see or didn’t want others to know

Maybe some of these are true. Maybe none of them are true.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

It doesn’t really matter.  It doesn’t really matter at all. I am tired of trying to figure it all out, trying to make sense of others’ decision that I let impact me. Tired of trying to understand the reasoning, timing and motive behind the choices of others. I have given up so much of my time, invested so much of my time trying to rationalize and comprehend that which does not make sense to me. As Dre said to me at the Farmer’s Market, “If something doesn’t make sense, it means it isn’t working.” I am surrendering to a larger power on this. Something larger than me is guiding my way on. Even if some of these or all of these stories are true, they no longer influence me, because they are not true to me. They are not true for me. They are not my truth. They used to be true. Yes, I used to think all of these things, and I did just now, a few days ago. Once I brought them out into the air, once they saw the light, I knew that they were not true. I know that they are not true. I used to think that I needed someone else to determine where I stand in life, to help me understand my relationship with myself and the world around me or others. Now,  I know who I am and I do not need someone else to determine where I stand within myself.

I am no longer living by lies that I told myself that I thought were true. No. Nope. No more. I lived for so long thinking that me being me was the cause. That I deserved whatever happened because I caused it. And now I see, really see, that none of this has to do with me. It does and it doesn’t. It does, because this is the vehicle, the events, experiences, moments, comments and behaviors or lack there of, are the vehicles, the container in which these lessons of undoing are being presented and offered to me as opportunities for me to clean up my inner being. To reestablish my relationship with myself. And it doesn’t have anything to do with me, because we all have our stuff to navigate, wade through and figure out. It is not mine. Not mine so I do not pick it up. Which has been a huge tendency or pattern of mine. To take on others shit and stuff and think that is it mine. No. Nope. No longer. As I said, this is a time of deep, deep inner cleaning.

How can I not be in gratitude for this? This huge awareness, this undoing and redoing at the same time. This returning to the truth and knowing the lies. The lies that I told myself for so long.

I didn’t cause it and neither do you.

You didn’t cause it. You didn’t cause this.

Life is unfolding for us, reconfiguring in every moment to bring us EXACTLY what we need to take the next step.

I’m in awe.

With a hug,

S

Patterns Are Being Revealed

I am going to write to process. To attempt to make sense or at the least leave traces of what has been unfolding for me.

I have not, until now, used what I have written on Instagram here. I have kept this and that space separate. Which is silly, since it is all the same. And, the words I was able to locate to write that piece speak to where I am. To where I was.

Here is the entry:

It’s dawn breaking and we made it.

I’ve experienced pulls before, pulls that feel like yanks and drags. Pulls that are suffocating and all encompassing. These recent bouts have me being introduced to so many different qualities and aspects of love. I see how I am being called to experience, know and embody these ways I didn’t even know existed.

My heart space has been ripped, torn, and clawed open and just when I think I can’t take anymore, it stretches, expanding me open wider and wider.

All I am being asked to do, is to be present in the moment, noticing what is arising and choosing in the moment. The work is to catch the tendency of the mind in the moment. That’s it. That’s all we need to focus on, everything else is taken care of.

Strength is the will to endure. And this love, the love that is being shown to me is free. It is not attached, not owned by anyone. It does not stick and stay. No, it is not static. It is dynamic and it moves freely, in the way it wants to move, when it wants to move.

It burns away all that is holding you back if you are ready and allowing of letting go. And forces you, this fierce love backed by fervor forces you to see yourself FULLY! All aspects of yourself. All the stuff you thought you dealt with, that was actually stuffed and crammed away rises up. Here. Now. Face to face. And then you see, you truly see that it is loving rising up in you. It is love that rises you up. You don’t have to go looking for it or searching for it anywhere outside of yourself.

You thought your last breath was going to be taken away. The one you were clinging on to because you felt you did not have the strength to endure. And instead, love rises up and it breathes you, giving you a new life. You find yourself at a beginning rather than the end.

Realizing that when you allow yourself to sit in the fire, to feel all the feels and face yourself fully, it all becomes clear. Clarity comes, the dawn begins to break and love rises up.

The light always comes. It is always revealed. It’s been here all along.

With a hug,

S

This month of December has been… I was searching for a word and then auto correct came in and offered ‘decay.’ Yes, this month of December has been full of decay. Breaking down. This has been the most challenging, darkest month I have lived in a long, long while. I was scared to say this at first. Scared to speak the words out loud, to admit to myself, to acknowledge the truth of where I am, where I find myself. And the words came, they came as I left an audio message for a beloved friend. “I have been in a place, probably one of the darkest places I have been in a really long time,” I say as the tears fall from my eyes and my throat shakes, hearing a wavering in my voice. “I can’t get through moments without crying, I don’t fully know what is going on, but what I do know is that it is best for me to be around people rather than be alone. So, whenever I have an opportunity to be around people, I am choosing it, so that I am not alone.”

This was a big moment. I thought that I wanted to be alone. That being alone would help me. That silence and quiet and stillness would be supportive. What I found was when I was alone, my mind really ramped up and took me to so many far off places, making up so many stories. Bringing me to wonderings and self doubt, questioning everything. EVERYTHING. Nothing felt stable. Nothing felt real. Everything felt like an illusion. I struggled to access what was really happening and what my mind was making up. Struggling to access truth in this reality of life that I am living.

This is what happens with trauma, my body has a memory and the memory of what has happened in the past comes in and takes over. It has a sweeping, all encompassing motion. It is disruptive, up turning, churning and stirring, pulling everything in to it leaving me confused and disillusioned, second guessing and replaying everything- every moment, every detail that I could recall trying to make sense, to understand what was happening and why.

I’ve been struggling to make sense of why this is happening. Why me? Why now? Why do I have to keep going? Where I am to find the strength to continue to endure? When is this going to let up? When am I going to get a break? I want it all to stop, to end, when will that happen? Not life itself, but living like this. I cannot continue living like this.

What is living like this you might ask?

I should clarify. It’s not that I don’t want to live. It’s that I am tired of living. Tired of this. Exhausted living this way. Being let down, caring, crying. It hurts. I fall asleep crying. I wake up to tears falling from my eyes. I am crying in my sleep.

I see how I can be holding myself back and how I could be doing this to myself. I see how I second guess myself. Asking myself if I am making things worse? What am I doing to contribute to this? What role am I playing in this?

Do I need medication? Who can I turn to, to talk about this?

I feel I cannot have wants. For wants equal let downs. Wants equal disappointments.  Wants are expectations. I know there are differences between needs and wants… And I know let downs and disappointments intimately. I have a far greater relationship with let downs and disappointments than I’d like. It is debilitating and discouraging.

Which leads me to what is the difference between visualization, manifesting, calling in and expectations?  So, what happens to all of the visions, all of the things that you have called in? This is what confuses me. Seeing, manifesting, visualizing and then POOF. Gone. Literally! No joke. (Side note- I began typing this and went to save a draft. Word would not allow it. So, I had to copy and paste in in Squarespace as a draft, close all of the open programs to shut down the computer. When it turned on, the picture I had of a coastline in Maui was gone. Literally gone. Poof. Gone. Just like that!)

This debilitation and discouragement feels heavy. There is a deep heaviness here.

 I cry out of nowhere. Emotion wells up and I cannot even hold it back anymore, there is so much emotion it wants to move. I am tired of crying. Of crying myself to sleep, crying out of nowhere. I am tired of crying while acknowledging that there is a tear, like a rip, a crack which allows energy and emotion in the form of tears to move, swell, release and flow.

Life feels too much. Too complicated. Too cluttered. Too full. I want to empty it all. I want to forget.

Yes, this is what I have been experiencing this month. It has been the hardest, most challenging, difficult time in a long, long, long while. Long while. It is debilitating and all encompassing. And I know what to do, cognitively I know what is best for me- get outside, move my body, get a good sleep, eat well, care for my body, drink water, practice, breathe. My breath has been shallow and labored. I have struggled to breathe and have had pressure in my head. I have experienced no appetite, nausea, weakness, a deep heaviness, lethargy, little motivation and a lot of confusion. A lot of confusion.

A piece of me realized that I am experiencing all of this now, so that I can write about it in real time. I can write and share what I am experiencing in real time. This back and forth. This confusion of the mind, amplified. Volume turned up, expanded, expanding wanting to take over and for the most part it is successful. I am exhausted by the amount of work and energy is required to catch my mind, to get it to stop running, and going over and over and over again. It takes so much work to hold it all together.

My dreams are revealing messages of rest, to not take tests. I got a note to pass on taking the test and take a train to watch out the windows or watch a movie instead. I am being offered suggestions and guidance to release the firing of the mind, the relentless stories of the mind, the pull, tug, back and forth. To stop the comparison and competition. The doubt and questioning. The wondering and reliving. Going back and analyzing, looking searching for clues that I missed. Clues that signaled this, which is upon me know was coming. Clues to help me avoid what I am feeling.

As if that is possible. To avoid. To evade. There is no escape.

I document my life. I leave traces. Traces in journals. Traces in audio recordings. Traces in texts I share with friends. Traces in pictures of what I am doing, reading, seeing and encountering. So a quick scan of my pictures over the last month brought me to a page in Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul. I read this, now, a month later and it struck me. Something about this page, a quote on this page made me take a picture of it, (on November 20th) as if I knew what was coming ahead, as if I knew what I was about to face. This is the entry to the chapter, “Letting go of false solidity.”

“The inside of one’s psyche is a very complex, sophisticated place. It is full of conflicting forces that are constantly changing due to both internal and extermal stimuli. This results in wide variations of needs, fears and desires over relatively short periods of time. Because of this, very few people have the clarity to understand what’s going on in there. There just too much happening at once to follow the cause and effect relationship between all of our different thoughts, emotions and energy levels. As a result, we find ourselves struggling just to hold it all together. But everything keeps on changing- moods, desires, likes, dislikes, enthusiasm, lethargy. It's a full-time task just to maintain the discipline necessary to create even the semblance of control and order in there.

When you’re lost and struggling with all these psychological and energic changes, you are suffering. While it may not seem to you that you’re suffering, compared to what it can be, you are suffering. In truth, the very responsibility of having to hold it all together itself is a form of suffering. You notice this most when things start to fall apart outside. Your psyche goes into turmoil, and you have to struggle to hold your inner world together. But what exactly are you trying to hold on to? The only things in there are your thoughts, emotions and movements of energy…”

I know the power of my practice. I know the power of the work. I know I am capable of doing it.  I know that my practice on my mat and my cushion has not been strong or consistent for over a year now. It’s not that I don’t practice, it’s that I am noticing in comparison to the past, what I have done and what I am doing now. I also know that I’m consistently showing up for myself, off the cushion, off of my mat. And it feels like a lot.

It's like I fell from grace. And I want to get back in.

I’m noticing this tendency. To ask myself what I can do to get back into good graces. Thinking about what I did to fall out and what I can do to reestablish myself.

Yet, I did not fall from grace, I fell into grace. I fell into an opportunity to learn and grow and evolve and shift and drop away the stuff that no longer serves even though it fucking sucks, or at least I think it does.

And while I fell, I did not fail.

And while this feels like it is a lot, maybe it is the lottery…

What I am realizing is that a shit ton, and let me tell you it feels just like this, I am realizing and seeing, that a shit ton of patterns are being revealed. So many patterns are being revealed.

I see my tendency to vacillate back and forth, to make folks out to be villains, victims and heroes all those roles within minutes. I have to root myself in what actually happened which is really tricky because when my mind goes into to trauma, self protection mode it is not accurately receiving information. It is pulling experiences from the past and projecting them on the present, clouding the view of what is really happening and unfolding in the moment.

To make matters worse, I hold onto words that are spoken. I hold them at truth. I keep them close as real, potential possibilities. Words are shared and words have meaning. And when there is not clear communication, when things are vague then there is a haziness there and this causes uncertainty and doubt for me. Words also create a vibration, there are unspoken meaning and energy connected to words that are spoken, unspoken and words that are thought.  I see how I have an attachment to words, I hang on to them. I carry them as truth. Sometimes in a really rigid, narrowing way. So when words are shared that do not feel or seem like they are in alignment with where I am or how I am perceiving then I get really thrown off. All the while, simultaneously I grasp, get, understand that things change. Shift. And that nothing stays the same. This is a big one.

Oh, this nothing stays the same thread is HUGE and it has been showing up for a long, long time. So many of the pieces I write to make sense, to leave traces hint to this, this dismantling, this separation, this seemingly end. From relationships, to a home, to material belongings, to ones I love. And I have no control. None. I have no control over any of it. Stuff is given and stuff is taken away. Offered and receded. Nothing lasts forever, nothing is permanent. While I have no choice in how this is showing up for me, I am noticing that is it ramping up and really being shown to me. Which is bittersweet, this pain and gratitude at the same time. Inviting me to see, inviting me to enjoy the moment, the present moment for that is all we have. Everything else is fleeting. Gone. In the past. No longer accessible.

I have come face to face with the notion that I do not like being seen as needy. This is such a deep rooted fear, this fear of being wrongly labeled or identified as being needy stops me from speaking up and make my needs known. This is something I rarely do. For when I do, I question myself-Am I too demanding? Am I being too needy? Why do I ask for more when so much is already here, when all of this is provided for me? When I am asked, what do you want? I share, I do not need anything. Which is all tangled up in the manifestation, visualization, calling in stuff. This an asking for what I need is really, deep rooted.

This being seen as needy fear, is closely connect to putting others as a priority over me. I have a tendency to drop my needs to adapt, to conform, to fit in with whoever is around or whatever relationship I am in. I know that I put my own needs aside, so I can be seen as flexible and easy going rather than demanding or needy.

Which is connected to speaking up and using my voice. I found a post it of an line that I wrote in my journal, it stopped me cold. It says:

Holding back the words and the knowing out of fear of what will happen if…

for I know what has happened when.

It is a bit of a tangle to sit with this, the spoken word. The power of the word, speaking up, making myself known, sharing myself, being open and vulnerable. Knowing that what I say and share can be used against me. My weak spots known, my vulnerabilities out there. And there is also the fear of being seen as too much, knowing too much, sharing too much, asking for too much.  This is coming into light; it is being illuminated little by little. That is why I say it is a tangle, it’s a bramble, a big mixture of so many patterns knotted together that it seems like one big ball, but there are many threads and vines here. So many they are constricting and restricting me to see.

There are some things that I see, there are some things that are known to me, that I know are going to happen or come. I sense it. I feel it. Sometimes I see it. And this also is crazy making because I do not trust myself. Sometimes, I override what I know, not wanting it to be true or pretending that I did not see or do not know. This is a self-protection mechanism, a mode of self-protection. To maintain status quo, for things to stay the same, to preserve the self and its identity that it has wrapped itself up in, around in a protective blanket, a safety net. To not feel the feels that make me feel out of control. To not feel the feels that make me feel uncomfortable. To not feel the feels that make me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, hide or run away.

And when I am not in control, when I cannot control, when things catch me off guard and I am blindsided, I find myself return to previous events, moments, and reply them over and over and over again in my mind. Asking, what did I do wrong? What did I say that caused this shift, made this switch, caused this to happen? What could I have done different to avoid this? What could I have done different to not feel this, to prevent this from happening?

In noticing my grips, I see that I can go looking for whatever it is I want to confirm and I will stop at nothing to find clues or access points to verify the story I have made up in my mind. When the mind has no answers and so many questions it works to fill in the gaps, to make sense. The mind does whatever it can to make sense, to make meaning. Which is really a self protection mechanism to learn for next time, learn so I can notice the clues and warning signs, so I can be prepared and not have to feel this, any of this, so I can avoid.

Which is really a tendency of fear. Fear wants to control, because the story I tell myself, is that  when I am in control and carefully plan everything out, then I cannot be surprised. And when I am in control and know everything, when everything goes according to plan or stays the same, I cannot be let down. I cannot be disappointed. And I really do not like the feeling of being let down and disappointed.

When I am in control, I don’t have to feel any of this, which I am feeling. And since I know this so well, since I have been here so many times before, I want to avoid coming here, to this place, to feel this. Which leads to a cycle of turning inwards, shying away and avoiding to protect, to shield, to block off.

And when I get here, I lose my sense of self, because my view of myself has been dependent on someone else’s view of me and when I shut folks out after letting them in and hold them away at a distance or when they discard me and tell me that I am not important or worth it, not worth the investment, energy, time or the fight then I lose my sense of footing, my grounding, my anchor and root. I have no idea where I stand and this is when I go looking outward and on and on the cycle continues, again and again and again.

And at the root of it all is my worthiness.

I see all of these patterns now. I see how they are connected, their connections to one another. How they weave over and under, wrap around, twist and grab. These patterns and their power to drive my tendencies are known now. Revealed.

This revelation has not at all been easy. As I shared, this month has been a month, one for the books (actually journals) and I see how I am being asked to let go, to loosen my grip and become aware of my attachments. It has not been easy by any stretch. It has been hard. Really hard. Very hard. This month has been full of some of the hardest work I have been asked to do yet. Yet, is the key word here because I know it is not over and anything can ramp up, show up and make me come face to face with it. I have the past six years documented that share this in detail. *see the footnote for more on this.

I have gone to a couple of depths and I am also here. There is a piece of me that feels like I am crazy, because at times I really do not know what is real and what is not. I see how I get all worked up. I have been saying FUCK a lot and I have also been saying FUCK YEAH, because this is here and while it feels like a lot, it also feels like the lottery. And I can’t even take credit for that because, that too, was a gift from auto correct. I went to type, ‘lot’ and ‘lottery’ came in. It does feel like a lottery and it does feel like a lot. I learned a long time ago to hold multiple truths at the same time. Not multiple lies, lies remain lies, they are never the truth even when they feel they are.

My mind has been racing and racing and racing and I have pulled out all of my techniques to stop it, to master it, to shift it, to gain control and none of the techniques have been able to take hold. Which I am not surprised about, because I also don’t have the energy. Which I also know is an excuse and I am being kind and patient with myself because I know this will not last and I will move through this, when, I do not know, but I know that I will. And when I do, I will have the energy and focus and attention and right now I am accepting that I do not. I am working to be okay with this. My dreams have also been showing me laundry- laundry being dropped in front of me, which is not mine. Doing laundry and seeing that the cycle is complete and the laundry basket is out for me to take the stuff out of the dryer…

There are times when I do not know what is real and what isn’t. My mind makes up so many stories and my body believes them. When stuff is not resolved it shows up, the memory of the body and the cells take over, which is why I need folks to tell me, to be clear. Which is why I have worked up the courage, rooted in the notion that I have enough self love, to ask for what I need or to ask for clarity to end the state of confusion. No matter how scary it feels. I’d rather know the truth than wonder and make up stories, projecting my fears and illusions on my reality.

And I know, that once I ask one question, more and more and more come. I’ve been here before. I get an answer and then I have more questions that I want to ask. Because I want to know. I want to know. I have a desire to know. My mind is wired to know. To make sense. To make meaning…

And sometimes, we do not know. We just do not know and there are no answers. Sometimes there are answers and it still leaves you with the unsettled, uneasy feeling. Reminding me, that we can only see that which we are ready, open and able to see.

All of these things are showing me my patterns, my nature. My tendencies.

Within all of this, all of this that is going around, that is swirling around, this which I am standing in and looking at face to face, I am here. Showing me what is here, calling my attention to address and tend to, to look at and contemplate. To become aware of and catch these tendencies in the moment.

And I know I will have many more moments to put this learning, this awareness to work, because that is all we have, the present moment. And all that is being asked of us, is to step, with full awareness and act accordingly in the moment that is upon us. Everything else falls into place, because it is taken care of. Not in the way I want, plan or project. Rather in the way it is meant to be.

The awareness that I have of my desire to control to protect myself and stay safe, to avoid hurt, pain, hardship, uncomfortableness, disappointment is HUGE. What’s interesting is that I know I am not in control, yet I think I can or sometimes that I am. I have been here enough to know this, that my attempts to control do not work and are for naught, it is pointless and a waste of my energy and attention. I see this now. I really see this now. And while I am scared to let go of my attempts to control, to release this need for protection, I know that I am ready. I know that it is time. I am choosing to no longer resist this, this lesson, this offering that has been showing itself to me in various forms, through many people, circumstances and events. I am choosing to let go, to loosen my grip and fully step into this unknown.

And so it is.

With a hug,

S

*Footnote: It is with a heart full of gratitude that I write these words. I take total responsibility and ownership what I have said, how I have interpreted and projected all of the events that have unfolded during this month and how I have both reacted and responded. Because when I go back, when I think about HP, I am only met with love. The strength, the love, the healing, the rains, the washing away, the clear skies. We are all working out or through something. SOMETHING. Everyone is in their own place as how we receive and perceive is solely based on us and our consciousness state. For me, I see how trauma sets in and how karma is at play. For this has played out as it is meant to, for me to experience this, for me to feel this. Seven months ago, during a full moon fire ceremony, I set an intention to meet whatever is coming at me/us with grace and while I have no idea it would be this, this which has unfolded, I know that I have no words for what I have met within myself during our time together. This I know to be true and this is what has made it really hard to say good-bye, to separate.

I also know that karma is at play. Karma and the great love of Shani Dev, who is not playing. Shani Dev does not play, he does not have time to play. Rather he is relentless. Full of love yes,  and relentless, stopping at nothing, this merciless love of Shani Dev, or Saturn. There is way more to be shared about this relationship and the timing… that piece is already stirring and I am leaving space to be with what wants to come. I know this. Looking back from the lens of now, in the summer of 2017 when MAJOR shifts were stirring in my life, I was writing in journal 17. Now, in 2023, six years later I am writing in journal 103. That means, that in six years I have written 86 journals. 86 journals have been written. 86 journals are full of experiences and wisdom and pain and transformation and I know, I know that Shani Dev has been behind all of this. How do I know you may ask, I’m experiencing Sade Sati, also known as the seven and a half years of Shani Dev, or Saturn and that began six years ago. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I get wrapped up in life and forget that his gaze is upon me. Then, events like the ones this past month unfold and I am forced to put my attention on that which I am meant to see, the blindspots that are holding me back. These patterns, these patterns revealed here are no doubt, being show through the reflective, mirroring gaze of Shani Dev. Bowing my head to you Shani.

If I Doubted Change, Here is a Message

I used to be jealous of folks who had time to put lotion on their body after a shower or a bath.

How do they have time for that?, I would ask myself. Perplexed by the notion of time and the ever looming field of things I felt I had to do without the time to get them done.

I was jealous of folks who had time to put lotion on their bodies.

Let’s be with that for a moment.

Actually, let’s back up and I’ll lay a map, a trace of how I came to that thought. See, it is a game I play with myself. To trace the thoughts and how they arise, how they arrive to me.  I catch myself and this morning I was in the process of catching my thoughts, my conditioned response to believing that my current state, the state of where I am, if I am okay or not is dependent on someone else’s perception of me.

I am in a place where I am unsure about where I stand. How someone views me and what they think of me. Now, normally, usually, most of the time, this is irrelevant as I practice that what someone else thinks of me is none of my business. However, it is taken me some time to arrive to that, to accept that, to believe that, to know that to be true and recent events have shaken my foundation and like a fissure, the earth below has opened up and stuff is spurting out.

This is an old way. An old way of living. Of thinking. Of being.  An old way that I am working to be consciously aware of and when I catch it, the old way of thinking and being, coming in I change it. I actually say the word CHANGE. I am interrupting the normal flow of things, the way things have been going along.

Until now.

So, this morning, in mediation I was working with this. Noticing all of the thoughts that were flooding in and catching them. Saying gently, this is not a loving way of being Sara, this is self destructive. We know this path, it does not serve us. Let’s forge a new way. Let’s create a new way.

There was a time in my life when I had vein surgery. They literally removed part of the vein in my lower leg and when I was healing, I envisioned my blood cells trying to go their familiar route, only to find it was no longer there. I’d see the blood cell in the front saying, it’s a dead end, we must turn around. And the cells around all backed up into one another, for they were not thinking at all, just going along with what they have always done, how they have always flowed. Until then. I pictured them looking around in confusion, what? Where are we supposed to go? We have always gone this way? Then one brave cell says, let’s try this way. And slowly, slowly they find a new way.

This vision came to me this morning when I was thinking of my cells and how they have a tendency to do just this, follow along and be. Doing what they know. I know they have a mind of their own, it’s just that sometimes it is not activated or woken up, so today I envisioned myself gathering my cells. I found myself being a leader, a wise leader, leading my cells away from the old familiar. We know this. We have been here. Let’s do something different. Let’s create new. I know it requires effort and commitment. This I know. I know you already have the dedication and steadfastness because you show up for me, for us, all of us every day in every moment. So that is there, at the root, at the foundation. We have that already. Let’s use this strength and commitment to gain momentum and forge a new way. A way that is loving and compassionate. A way of thinking that is forgiving and fully of grace. We can do that, right. We can support one another in this, right?

So this morning, just now, while I was in the shower, I talked to my cells. I was sharing with them, especially the skin cells, they are the ones on the outside, exposed, “Thank you for your service. Thank you for your protection. Thank you for shielding me.”  And then, after I dried my body, I applied lotion saying, “Thank you. Thank you for your healing. My body, mind and spirit are healthy,” These are lyrics from an Alexa Chullen song that has been on replay in my mind.

And this is where I am. Sitting here, typing these words to you now, because I was reminded that there was a time in my life when I was jealous of folks who had time to put lotion on their body.

Things show up for me in interesting ways. This was a pleasant gift, reminding me, that if I ever wondered or had doubt in the power and ability to change, here it is.

With a hug,
Sara

Time Travel Powers

I just discovered that I have time travel powers. I can be in three places at once.

Past. Present. Future.

All. At. The. Same. Time. 

Yes, this is a gift that I discovered recently. Not by choice. I’ve known this. I have experienced this and then I realized this. Maybe you know this, how you can know things about yourself because you have experienced them before, lived them and then all of a sudden it dawns on you. You gain a new perspective and just like that something you’ve known about yourself and maybe have forgotten or pushed down or ignored, springs up and grabs a hold of you, shaking you to get your attention, shouting at you.

Yes. I have time travel powers. I can be in three places at once.

Yet, it is a gift? I think not. There is nothing enjoyable about this. Nothing pleasant. Nothing charming. No. Rather it is a dreaded gift. One that I am not excited about. One that is not something I would share with many. And here I am, sharing it with you.

Have you ever felt blind sighted? Have you ever felt like folks know things before you and you are the last one to know? It’s like, how long have you known this? For how long?  When I am in this space, this space of being not being able to see clearly, all the questions start pouring in - When did you know? When did you decide? How have you kept this from me? Why are you letting me in now?

Ah, this enigma of time. This knowing and not knowing.  Sensing and feeling. Overriding and story telling, or attempting to stop the story telling and the rational mind.  It’s all stuff you only know, now. Can only see now.

After.

After the time travel. After you have been in three places at once, while being no where at all. Feeling detached and unrooted. Ignored and shunned. Excluded and forgotten about. Dismissed. Discarded. Unworthy. Not worth it. Passed over. Not important.

While simultaneously strong and powerful. Grounded. Standing firm. Staying. Burning. Transforming. Evolving. Growing.

And falling. Failing. Second guessing. Full of doubt, worry, regret and what if. What did I do wrong? What did I do to warrant this? What could I have done differently? And what can I do differently next time so I never have to feel this way again?

Ah, this desire to know.

Ah, this desire to control.

This desire to not feel, because the feeling is so real it hurts.  It hurts.

This hurt that has been stuffed away, crammed away comes on, it begins swelling and expanding and before I know I am flooded, swept away, carried off, gasping for air, gagging on the water that is pouring in from my mouth gaped open in surprise. Caught off guard, feet swept out from underneath me, flailing looking around to grab a hold of anything, anything to make meaning and sense in this world of perceived chaos.

I have been here before. In my mind and in real time. Caught in a whirlpool, carried off by a strong current, headed right for the rock gaining speed knowing I am about to be slammed into it at full force, blowing my whistle and scanning the banks, wanting anything, anything to stop this from happening. But, there is no stopping. There was no stopping.

I see how I wanted to run, to escape, to get in my car and drive off.

The hurt unbearable to feel.

The desire to say, “burn all the cards, erase all traces, all memories.”

This is deep, deep hurt and pain.

But I didn’t run. I didn’t get in my car and drive off. I stayed in the current and  allowed it to take me. I stayed.

I stayed.

I allowed the feeling to come flooding in. I worked hard to stay present. I fought back the tears that were pulsing in my stomach wanting to rise and come out as a scream.

I didn’t say, ‘throw my cards away,’ for that would be trying to control. They are no longer mine. My words have been shared, words that are real. That really meant something. Words that were true.

This feeling of being discarded is so strong.

Please, please allow me to heal this.

So much gets stirred up when trauma is present. Words are shared and they are not what is heard. No. The mind does not register these words. This is the power of hurt. Of trauma. How it is stored in the body. It clouds the truth, it veils the moment, causing an illusion and stories are made up, moments that are not true try to get lodged into mind, in the body. The shields go up but rather than protect, they project. This is how I can be in three places at once, while at the same time not being anywhere at all- totally detached, removed, separated. I make up stories based on these fears, this past hurt, this pain. Fear of abandonment, separation and isolation. Fear that is real because these things have happened, my body has a memory of them.  My body starts calling the shots, it wants to run, hide, do anything to get away to avoid the feelings and flooding of the stories and emotions that come in, that have been churned up. I am no longer settled, I am on edge and thoughts are entering a rapid speed- I am not worth it, not worth the fight, not worth the energy, commitment or dedication. These stories come from the inner depths, so deep I forgot they were there. I thought I addressed them, dealt with them, faced them. What I did was stuff them away, ignore them, shun them. I turned my head because they were too much.

Yet here they are. Cloaked. I am disoriented. I have time traveled, been in three places at once and yet no where at the same time. Disillusioned, caught off guard, wondering what just happened.

This used to happen slowly. It would take me days to move through this process.  Now, I know, because it just happened again, this time travel, it was happening in real time. In. Real. Time.

And here we are. Face to face. Feeling. Seeing. Noticing. Sitting.

No. I did not run away. That is how I know I can time travel and be in three places at once. In the past. In the present. In the future. All. At. The. Same. Time.

The stories that I deserve this. That I did not do, that I am lazy, that I am not productive, that I am not worth investing time and energy. That I am not focused and driven. That I am not…. NOT. NOT. Everything that I am not.

And, what I saw in the moment is everything that I am. Everything that I AM.

Love. Expansive love. Love that opens up wounds. Love that makes me feel. Love that is so fierce and strong you want to push it away. Love that is so bright and all encompassing that you want to turn away from it. Compassion that holds tight. Forgiveness that comes through a gaze and an embrace. Grace that is said without any words. Acceptance for all that is in the moment. Perfect. As it is meant to be.

Yes.  See. Do you see? I see. I see how these experiences, these moments, this time travel is enabling, allowing me to see what has been here. The truth of who I am, now fully exposed alongside this hurt in real time. Both lingering under the surface. Left over old ways of being, living, viewing myself, seeing myself. Believing that this was myself. Old, forgotten ways of being, of knowing, the inner wisdom and truth of who I am together. In tandem, showing up at the same time.

Seeing. Seeing clearly the story I told myself, that I had to put up shields and protectors, to hide, to remove myself, remain distant, closed off  because that was what is the best for me. To hide myself from others because I am too much for them to see, feel, be around. Because showing myself, my whole self to others is too much. Which, I really do not know if this is true or not. But it is true to me, this is a story that I have told myself, one that I have picked up and worn dutifully, in loyalty.

Because I did not want to feel this. This which I am feeling. Why would I want to feel this?

In this, hidden in this, is this knowing- that I am bright, that I am light. That I am love. Its only that I allowed this knowing to be forgotten, dimmed, the volume to be turned down low or worse, to turn to a different frequency all together. This truth has always been here. And I am seeing it. I saw in in real time, when I was able to time travel and be in three places at the same time while simultaneously being no where. And I can see it now. In fact, I feel it. I know it. I have embodied it.

I was able to see myself. My whole self. For a glimpse. The truth of who I am in that moment. That moment when I wanted to run and hide, to shield and not feel. I felt my grace. I felt my love. I knew. I knew. I knew.

When I pretend I do not know, when I override and tell myself stories, when I hide away from myself, when I shield myself from myself, when I allow myself to only be fractions and fragments of myself then I cannot see my whole self. And when I do not see my whole self, when I only see part of me, then I see myself only as broken. Only in the parts. When I cannot see the whole of me, the truth of who I am, then I cannot heal. Because I did not see, believe that I was whole to begin with, I saw myself only as parts and I did not see how they all came together. I did not see how they were one. I did not know that I needed to be whole to be me. Not fractions or fragments or pieces of me.

But now I know. I know so much so that I am writing this here, to share this with myself and with you.

I am whole.  I have always been whole. I have never been broken or torn apart and needed to be put back together. Sewn and stitched up. No. I was never broken to begin with.

I have found that I have to face myself to heal. All of me. Not parts of me that are easier to face, sit with, deal with or listen to. All of me. This wholeness. All aspects of me. For I am not broken. I have never been broken. I have only thought this to be true. Thought I was broken and needed to be fixed, that I needed to change. No. What I need to do is to see all of me. What was required of me was to see me, the me I am, the me I have always been. What I was being asked, what I have been called to do is to see myself fully. ALL OF ME. All of me that wants to be seen. I am being called to see myself fully, allowing myself to be seen fully, ALL OF ME, not the some of me that is convenient, safe and contained.

ALL OF ME.

I have to face myself to feel.

I have to know myself fully to heal.

To face myself FULLY I must know myself Fully!

And to know myself fully is really, really hard. It has been really, really hard, because I have gotten really good, masterful at hiding. At pretending. Masterful in shielding and hiding pieces and parts of me away. On focusing on others rather than turning towards myself or rather making it about others, rather than about myself.

And for those of you who read these pieces, and for myself who needs to read these words, I know that it is all about me. Not in a selfish way. No. It is about me because I am the only one who is living my life. My life is me. My life is a collection of choices and beliefs about how I view me, how I see myself and these deeply rooted, deeply grooved, well-trodden paths of lack. These familiar routes of lack of self-worth, worthiness, of self-doubt and self-inflicted pain are mine. Mine alone. I walk these paths, I alone have traversed these paths and getting myself on to a new one, to forge a new one right now, in this moment feels like a lot of fucking work.

I have been here before. Not this particular here, rather a variation of here. Sometimes when I arrive here I am full of gratitude and fortitude, strength and endurance. With the stance, let’s go. Earlier in the year I recall writing, “If this is the fierce love you have for me, let’s go.” And now, I am really depleted. Asking myself, enough already. When, pleading, when will this end. How am I to endure this?

This is a very inward time. I know this. I have been pulled inwards, I was yanked inwards on December 1st and every time I feel I can come up for a breath, I get sucked back in.

Sucked back in by what you might ask?  Sucked in by my mind. It is so powerful. It is so strong. And when I have the strength to face it and challenge it, when I have the strength to confront it, I do. When I have the strength. And recently, meaning these past however many years, it’s like, come on already. When? When is enough, enough? When is it enough? When, and here it is –

When will I love myself enough?

When will I stop looking outside of myself for this?

When will I be at ease with me?

When will I stop inflicting these wounds and weapons into my being?

Aimee Mann’s Wise Up, has been playing in my mind and on my speaker for days now.

And today, when I was writing the lyrics in my journal I wrote:

It’s not going to stop

Til you rise up

…. Interesting that I wrote rise up rather than wise up.

Wise up

Rise up to the truth

To the truth of who I am

To the truth of what I am

This, as Jeanette offered in a text that greeted me this morning, is the real known. The wise one.

And I smile, isn’t this the journey. Isn’t this the work I have been called forth to do, to share? This journey of listening to my inner wisdom, this inner knowing. 

Living in this Inner Wisdom. This wisdom of who I am. The truth of who I am?

Yep, this is the work. I am reminded of a video I made a while back that speaks to this, I take these dives, these deep dives inwards so I can experience it. The pain, the hurt, the bliss, the joy, the suffering, the grief, the loss, the gratitude, the immense delight… to access this grace. This grace of who I am, this grace for all that is.

This is why I am here. Still here. Fighting this fight, this battle in my mind. This battle of my mind. My arms are tired of carrying the burdens, of holding the weapons. My body is tired of using its energy in this way, fighting, battling, resisting. I am exhausted.

And from this, I know, I know, I know from experience that I will rise. I will continue rise up. Taller. Stronger. Standing tall. Rooted deeper, reaching up. So I can lend a hand and offer my arms in an embrace to others, for others who are fighting this fight.

This hurt. This hurt that hurts so much. This deep pain, the one you feel you can no longer endure; it is here as a reminder. A reminder because we forgot. The call has gotten so loud, so loud you can not ignore it. That pain, that pain is the call. The call of yourself who has forgotten. It is the call to remember.

We are not alone.

We are never alone.

We are always held.

Allow yourself to be held. Lay down your weapons and shields, your pain and hurt. The stories of self doubt and lack of worth. Lay them down. Here. Now.

And allow yourself to be held.

Held in the arms of love.

Of love itself.

Trust, trust that what is unfolding is allowing yourself to see with clarity and wholeness. Trust that which is arising, is arising for you to see. To see yourself. FULLY. For the truth of who you are.

And when you do, you will remember. You will soften in and remember, reminding yourself, holding yourself with grace, compassion and love, hearing the whisper of your heart, it is only that you forgot. And in the forgetting, there is the possibly of knowing. Which is why this has unfolded in the way it has, because BeLoved, you have forgotten and it was time to remember.

It is time to remember,

S

*this has been an interesting piece to write. I began it yesterday and then this morning got up to write again. As I was writing, clarity came. The message of wholeness came. I am whole.  This piece is a true gift, a gift written through me, now. It came when I was rereading the piece, making changes to it so it flowed. And maybe it doesn’t flow now, because what came, came when I was reading and I started typing, because that is what you do in a flow state. The words come and you open up, wider and wider allowing them, accepting them, welcoming their wisdom, grace and love.

I celebrated this piece by putting on a new necklace. A necklace that was accompanied by this quote:

“Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her,

still she sings away, knowing she has wings.”

• Victor Hugo

Then, I played a song that is intimate to me, I held my hands near to my heart and began to move, slowly, slowly feeling how love wanted to move through me, as me. My arms opened up, became wings and I flew, I flew to incredible heights. I invite you to dance, dance with yourself in celebration that you are here. Now. And that a love is loving you. That love is YOU!

Grateful For Me

It is interesting living in this body.  For so long I was detached from it, feeling separate from it. This place in which I live, I reside felt foreign, distant. I did not have a connection with my body. I did not pay attention to its messages, its signals, its offerings. And when I did, I often felt annoyed or irritated that it, in some way, was impeding or blocking me from enjoying or doing the things I felt I had to do, so I would push through. I would ignore my body.  I would tell my body I knew better than it. We became foes. We were against each other, working against each other. There was discontent and separation rather than togetherness, in harmony.

At least that is how it used to be.

When I look back, I can see how I have been offered opportunities to be more in tune, to be more receptive of my body and how it feels. Slowly and steadily, with and in time, I have begun to listen to my body. Rest when it wants to rest, move when it wants to move. Rather than going through the motions, feeling I should and need to do whatever or eat at a certain time, I have been giving myself permission to do what my body is telling me to do.

This has been work, because there are ways that folks operate and interact, there are systems that are in place, ideas that are agreed upon about the way we carry ourselves, what we do and when and they are engrained in the fabric of our lives.

As I was laying in bed last night, I found myself thinking about how we are told things. Folks tell us things, research tells us things, doctors and nurses, people that are ‘more educated’ and ‘more well versed’ about diet, bodies, ways of being and living give us recommendations and suggestions about what is best for us and how we should carry ourselves.

This paired with my own experiences has me pondering. Where do I fit into this? Where is my inner voice, my inner knowing, where is the space for the intelligence that is me? Back in the day, before I knew more about myself, I would follow these recommendations, so much so that is would cause turmoil in my body, I would hold someone else’s recommendation or way of living over mine and this would cause an inner battle.

As I read through my journals in preparation for publishing Living In Her Wisdom, I find words that I have written asking how a doctor knows, how does a doctor know what is best for me and my body.  And it is not just a doctor, how does anyone outside of me know what is best for me?

I hear this all of the time, these things that we need to do, ought to do, should do. What I find is that I know what is best for my body, because I am the one who is living in this body. I am the one who feels how it responds and changes, how it shifts and adapts.  I am the one who listens to the subtle messages that are offered.

This is a huge shift in the way I used to live. For so long I though my body was for someone else. That someone else knew more or a better way for me to be. I thought my body was for someone else’s pleasure, not mine. I felt I had to hide and cover up my body for fear of what other people would have to say or what comments they would make about it. Somehow, somewhere along the way I picked up the story that me being me was not okay. That this body, which has been given to me is bad, wrong, a mistake and even dirty at times. This is the story that I picked up and this is the narrative that I have been carrying around as my truth for so long.

Until the other day, and then, just like that clarity came. The clarity of awe and beauty, the clarity of my power and strength. The power of a woman’s body, the power of my body. To be in tune, to be in harmony, to be one with nature. For the signals and messages that my body offers me in alignment with the cycles of the moon with the greater cosmos. This intuitive nature, this inherent nature that is within me, that is outside of me, that is me. That is in harmony, that is one, that is united with nature. Not separate from it. Not apart from it. The body knows. There are internal systems, systems upon systems, that are within me that enable me to be me. And for so long I was against this intelligence, I either ignored it or did not know about it. I was not taught about my own power and strength. I was not taught about my own beauty and capacities.

I could be angry about this. I could be mad. I could be annoyed or irritated. I am grateful. I am in awe. Because now I see and I have come to this awareness, this understanding, this knowledge on my own. Not because someone told me, no, because I have experienced it.

And this is one of the many gifts of this life. That now, at 46, I appreciate and am in awe with my body. I love my body for all that it is, for all that it does. For what it looks like, how it moves, how it carries me, what it offers me. All of these things that folks could have told me, but haven’t or maybe they have and I have not been able or ready to hear, to receive their messages, I now know. And it is not a knowing because I read about it, it is a knowing from experience, I feel it. I live it. It is a part of me.

I woke with the lyrics from Katy Perry’s Part of Me, from her 2012 album Teenage Dream: The Complete Confection

This is the part of me
That you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
That you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

It’s so true, once I know this about myself, once I truly know this, it cannot be taken away. It is a part of me, this knowing from experience is embedded within me, activated within me. Now  known.

And I am in awe.

I think about all of the times that folks try to project what they think is the right way or the best way, there fixed positions and stances, their values and beliefs and how they put them on other people with their words, actions and behaviors. Folks shape and guide, mold and create others in the way they want them to be.  One of the greatest teachings I have accessed through the Yog-Vedantas has been the gift of allowing every individual to be on their own path, to find their own way. For others to not feel the need to take responsibility for another.  I am seeing this all around me right now. Many of us do not even know ourselves, we are guided and shaped by what we hear, take in and consume. We are so fearful of others who have a different way than we do, since their way is foreign or unknown, we shun them, think that they are bad or wrong, or worth less than us. This is deeply imbedded in the way many of us are living now, this place of fear of another, this place that has us seeking control of our lives and the lives of others.

Which has me pondering about life in general. Its purpose. Why am I here? What am I doing? And this has me pondering about learning, what is really means to learn.   A few weeks back I read something in one of my journals that got me smiling.  Nearly nine years later I am faced, being presented an opportunity to see something again, with my eyes of now and I am reminded of the cyclical aspect of nature. How everything comes back around. Never the same way. Something is slightly different. Of course, the time is different, maybe the people are or the environment are different, but at the core it is the same lesson. Dressed up and presented in a new way, yet underneath all of that the same as before.

I think these are the life lessons we are here to learn. To move through, undo, engage with, see, meet. This, I am seeing are the karmic patterns playing out, the threads that are woven, the themes that are apparent in our lives, in all of our lives if we create the space and time to sit and be with them, to allow ourselves the ability to see them. We can often see patterns and trends of others; I have found it is more work to see them within my own ways of being. And I know that there is some guiding force, some larger intelligence that is at play, at work to bring all of these opportunities for me to see and be, for me to learn and grow, for me to shift and change. And I know from experience, when I want the lesson to be over, when I want to move on or have something be in the past or behind me, I am humbled knowing that everything happens in its time. Everything happens in its own time. Not my time. No matter how much I try to shift and control, manipulate and create.

Everything happens in its own time.

I am enjoying this cycle, this opportunity to see, learn and grow is here now. And while I am uncomfortable and uneasy at times, I know that this too will end and newness and more growth will be presented in its time. For this is how it goes, on and on and on like this.

I am grateful to be here, experiencing this now.

And so it is.

With a warm embrace,

S

On The Road to No Where, Also Known as the Road to Now Here

Yep, I am on this road. This road to No Where, also known as this road to Now Here.

Both are true. They are dependent on how to choose to look at it, how I decide to perceive what is unfolding around me.

I have, for some time now, noticed that I have been seeking. Looking. Searching. I am scrolling on Instagram, turning to outside sources, attempting to plan and control.  I am aware of my tactics, for they are well-grooved, well-known patterns and I am on to them. When I notice them, when I catch myself from the place of a witness- watching and observing I think, Ah so. Here I am. In this. Doing this. In this cycle, again.

True witnessing, I want to say, or wants to be said through these words I type, means watching without attachment, simply noticing. Being aware. Seeing. Standing apart from our experience, watching it as it unfolds.

Noticing. Doing nothing (no thing) to force, control, plan, alter or shift the outcome. Simply watching. Allowing the energy to come to the surface, to play out fully.

WHOA! This is work. This is true work. I know, because there have been events that have unfolded in the past few days that are asking me to be. To sit, stand, lay, breath, be and live in this. As this. Without any resemble of control. To simply be with what is expressing and playing out.

My mind has other plans. My mind has other ideas and this is the work. To notice this. This is how I am seeing even more of the seeking, desire, longing and wanting to know. Ah, this wanting to know. The asking of questions, unending questions that cue up one after the other waiting to be answered- Why? When? What is this? Why is this here? Why me? Why now? What am I supposed to do with this? In this? This convergence of all of the stories. Real from the past and projected from the future, from the faculty of the mind. Here. Now. Playing out, coming in and going out. Colliding, stirring things up, bringing stuff to the surface.

I know from experience, that when my mind kicks in like this, when it turns on full force and pulls out all the stops in attempt to control by wanting to make sense from a rational, logical mind stance, I know this is when I am being called to stay in my heart, to return to my heart. To open it up wide and vast. To access this expansive field of my generous, loving, compassionate heart and find myself here.  When my mind has come in, when it clicks on, when doubt, worry and fear arrive, like cloaks clouding my view, I know what I have to do. I know I am being called to open, open up wider than I have allowed myself to open up and surrender fully, FULLY to this mystery of life. For some things are not meant to be known, seen, understood or comprehended by the logical, rational mind. Some things happen and play our because the energy is here, the moment is upon us, the timing is ripe, the grounds are fertile and the power, the immense power within, this driving force is in control. In this, with this, my role is to sit back, to take a back seat and allow. Fully allow. To surrender and trust, with all of my being, with all of my heart knowing that there is an intelligence within me, that is me guiding my way on and my role is to live here in this fully. To be here with this. In this.

Living in her Wisdom, for there is no thing else to do. No where else to go.

Surrendering in, trusting and allowing myself fully to be here, living in this inner wisdom.

Meeting you here with a warm smile and a hug,

S

Presence and the Unknown

Sunday and again last night I sat to type, to transcribe entries from my journals for my book.  This action is not something that I planned or carved out time for. It simply arose. I found myself with space and sat. What has me intrigued are the particular journals that I ‘chose’ to revisit and the messages, the wisdom I meet while there. It is as if I am going back in time, to places and spaces and the intersection of now has relevance. I know that might not make sense, it’s tricky to locate the words. It’s like, what is happening and unfolding now, was also unfolding then, on a different level and I have the opportunity to revisit my words, the words written by me then, from this place of now and meet them.

On Sunday, I added the contents from a journal from February 2020, from a time when I was in India onto the computer. This is the current process I am in while writing my book, opening a journal and reading it, choosing which entries and/or parts of entries to add into In Her Wisdom.  Here is an entry that stood out to me:

Then, last night I opened journal 16 from 2016, a time in my life when I was in the midst of major change and transition. I knew then that change was upon me, I know now the impact of that change. For it often requires time for us to be able to see the vast scope and shift, we need the lens of now to make sense of what was happening then. That is how it often works for me, although I recognize that some things are unfolding for me now and they are happening quick, quick at lightning speed.

At that time in my life, I was immersed in Brene Brown’s Living Brave semester.  At one point, on April 24th I wrote:

I stepped away from my Living Brave semester- one class seemed daunting with 54 questions. I also know the content, owning my story seemed overwhelming and paralyzing- so I avoided it… I returned to it yesterday on our rainy day and am fascinated by the parallels that I am noticing in my life – especially with The Untethered Soul- the idea of telling ourselves stories to meaning make + self protect, telling stories when we are in places of hurt- unworthy, not good enough, unlovable, fear. What stories have I been telling myself? How have those stories altered my life, my emotions, my body, my thinking, my beliefs, my actions?

Here are a few pages from that journal, that specially reference what I was pulling and receiving from wisdom of Michael A. Singer in The Untethered Soul:

And here are a few more that give a glimpse into that time in my life:

All the while, HP arrived home after attending Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within conference in Dallas.  As I listened to his reflections and take aways, I was reminded of the connections and similarities to my work in India during my 200 hour training and more specifically Warriors of Wisdom.  I have always enjoyed being led, being guided. I know that I am a student of life and that I have many teachers, I also know that I am my own teacher. One aspect I know I am vacillating with is being led and leading myself. HP spoke about priming and the importance of priming. Curious to know what this was, he shared an Instagram reel where Tony walks the participant through the exercise. I listened to a little bit and then I carved out time to sit for the whole thing, allowed myself to be lead.  I was intrigued. Again, some of the strategies and techniques were familiar to me and at the same time, there was newness. I sat again for this guidance this morning and this is the reflection I had when I came out:

I am noticing the pull, the desire to root in my practice again. I practice. I notice the need to practice, to sit, to shift, to move energy. To ground, to come to center. Recently I have been called to share the teachings, the techniques that have been offered to me, the techniques that have shifted my life, my view of myself and the way I view life.  This sharing also offers accountability. It requires me to show up, not for me only, for others.

It is easy for me to show up for others. Really easy. So easy, at times I do not show up for myself or I find justifications and excuses as to why I should not show up for myself.  This was a common thread in journal 16. My yoga practice was new to me at the time and I read entries in which I know it is valuable, I notice the shift and the benefit accessed and I also write to the pull to put others first.

This is the audio recording I made that morning:

I am smiling now as I know that life is cyclical. No two things are ever the same and similar lessons or opportunities to learn appear over and over again with slight variations. This is how life continues to unfold for me. If I did not get it before I know I will get another chance sometime soon. One of the many gifts the traces left in my journals are revealing is how this happens.  Everything is cyclical. Everything comes back around. Each time we carry with us the wisdom gained from our previous experiences and this, paired with our current consciousness state provides us an opportunity to grow and move beyond or to stay in the ever repeating known. 

Inviting us to ask ourselves, do we want to stay in the ever repeating known or are we ready for a shift?

The choice is ours and we have the ability in every moment.

Today, I choose new.

With a hug,

S

It this Self Sabotage?

I am coming off of a month without having a soda or enjoying ice cream. I made and held a commitment to myself in the beginning of October to check myself, to do something about my known patterns and tendencies.

During a celebratory Auspicious Octopus launch lunch, I had a soda.  Ah, I told myself as I saw it sitting on a shelf display, today is the day…. I’ve waited all month for you. Yes, cool, crisp, bubbly… I cracked the soda and took a sip without even being aware. It was as if I had one yesterday.  Moment after I caught this awareness, I paused. I did not even enjoy the sip. It was like any other sip, something that I did. Done. Without any thought.

This paired with my candy consumption from Halloween has me pondering.

Both of which has got me thinking. How many things do I do without thought? Without thinking? On auto pilot, moving from one thing to the next. Going through the motions.

How do I show up for myself?

When do I show up for myself?

What storied do I tell myself?

Deeply engrained within me is the first/then narrative. First ……, then……. First you need to _____, then you can ______.  So I thought, why not embrace this pattern that is here and use it towards expansion, growth and evolution rather than the ever repeating known.

I want candy. Fine. I can have candy.  Candy isn’t bad. It is the compulsion, the habit, the mindlessness in which I am consuming it. So, utilizing what I have engrained within me I tell myself, “First, I need to eat something green, something green and nourishing for my body and then, if I want candy, then I can have it.”

I am all about being resourceful and using what I have.  If the pattern is here, I’ll utilize it. I’ll switch it.  If my mind wants to engage and play, here I am. Let’s go.

Maybe I am prolonging the inevitable. Maybe I am engaging with my conditioning. Ok and I am also switching it up. I am not living in the black and white, the rigid thinking of good and bad, yes and no. I am simply saying, pause. Attend to something else and if this is still here, then meet it then.

This is the pull of Rahu. This is the engagement of Rahu. Rahu, whose energy I am dancing with. Whose gaze in upon me, through the dasha I am running and its location in the celestial realm. Rahu, the head of the celestial snake who has no body. Who wants to consume, but never fully enjoys since it has no body or stomach… he wants to devour. More and more and more.

Rahu is this impulse. I am coming to know this. There have been times when I have received a message and it comes in strong. Accompanying it, there is a sinking feeling, one that doesn’t feel good, yet, in my exploration of making sense of messages that come and acting on them, I act. In my action I am severing, cutting away (this is Ketu. Ketu is the body and tail of the celestial snake and Ketu cuts). This has happened in regards to relationships. I have acted, almost impulsively- thinking it is what is best for me in the moment and in the action, within the choice, I am cutting away something else. I acknowledge this. I see this. I know this. I take responsibility for this.

This is it. It is taking responsibility. Responsibility for me. My actions. My choices. My words. When I am aware of them, I own them. Some stuff I am not aware of, some stuff is deeply hidden in the recesses of my mind and I am not yet aware of them. When they get revealed, I own them. I take responsibility. I hold myself in a loving gaze and take responsibility.  What else is there to do, place blame?  That is off loading and dumping. And I have been dumped on so many times by other people and their shit, I am not going to do this to someone else. At least not intentionally. If I do it and am not aware, then I need it to be pointed out and once it is, then I can own it. How else can one own something if they do not know about it?

Which is why I am grateful for these patterns that are showing up. Revealing themselves, making themselves known. For once they are known, I can do something about them, with them. I have choices. I can make choices. I can take responsibility. I can own them.

Like my candy and soda consumption.

I’ve been telling myself that I like it. That I am enjoying. Am I?  Is this enjoyment or is this self sabotage? If I have these tendencies with food, where else are they lurking?

Ah, craving and aversion. This is one of the teachings of the Yog-vedantic ways of being.  The hungry ghosts…The desire. The wanting. The chasing. The seeking.

And the will power, the inner fire, the stamina to make this shift.

Yes, this is what is here. This dance of the lower triangle.

Let’s explore this further. Let’s look at this in a deeper way…

Swadistana, the sacral chakra, the seat of taste and desire. The seat of experience. Of the unresolved mind, the unconscious mind. Destruction and addiction.

And then I read this in my hand written notes:

It is not the thing,

it is the experience that is generated from interacting with the thing.

Oh. Oh yes. I have attempted to explore the root, the root of the sensation. The connection to what it is about soda, about ice cream that holds me.  I know that there is some aspect of ritual here. I have a green spoon, a plastic, green IKEA spoon that I enjoy eating ice cream with. There is something about the curvature of the spoon, the way it slides and fits in my mouth. With soda, there is something about the twisting of the cap (on a plastic bottle, which I really no longer use) or the inserting of the straw or the pouring of it over ice.  What are these connected to? What holds on to these memories?

What arises initially is this idea of freedom. Of freedom of choice. Ability to choose. I recall getting sick, vomiting after overeating, eating so much candy on a family vacation. It’s like I wanted what I could not have.  Or soda, this connection really showed up in college. When I had the option to drink it every day from the fountain in the dining lodges or food courts.

What I know is that to address this, to access the root of what is here, I need to activate my navel center. My seat of will, commitment, volition, steadfastness.

Manipura. Solar plexus. The place of my first mouth in the womb.

I can use this inner fire to burn myself. I can use this energy to cause destruction and harm or I can use it to transcend and transmute.  I can use the energy to change or I can use the energy to maintain. These desires did not come from the place of thought, they did not emerge from thought itself, so thinking about how and why they are here, is not really the best use of my energy. I am not going to think my way out of this addiction. The thinking quality of the mind, my thinking quality of the mind is skilled, it is crafty, it is strong. It conjures up stories of rationalization and reason. This I know.

I also know that I can and have shown up for myself. In so many ways, so I can do this now too.  I can show up for myself, hold commitments and use the energy that is here, that is showing up and presenting itself to shift my state. To shift the tendencies. To shift from the patterns of the ever repeating known, limitations and familiarity to newness and expansiveness.

I can use the energy to resist the change or embrace the change.

The choice is mine. The choice is always ours. We have to be aware of this. We have to know that no one out there is going to do the work for us. Only we can do the work. Folks can support and guide, encourage and cheer, impede and dampen. We are the ones who are required for the work to get done.

Which reminds me of my first Instagram post, If it is to be, it is up to me.

I decided last night to recommit to my mediation practice. It has slipped and fallen away.  I engage with practices that bring me to a mediative state, a place of expansion and no thought, a space full of bliss and vastness. And I have a specific mediation practice that I have not engaged with in some time.  Last night, I recommitted to myself.

Here is the letter I wrote:

I lit a candle, read these words out loud and thought that I was going to go to sleep.

My will had another plan.

Now is the how, I read. So, the how begins now. And I sat. I sat for 3 out of the 5 parts of my mediation practice. This morning, I woke and sat again.

Bringing me full circle. If I want tea. Fine. First, I do my mediation practice, then I can have tea.  And you know what? My mediation led to a journey which inspired me to record a practice called Time for a Reset, that I will post on The Auspicious Octopus.

As for soda, I am enjoying one now. On ice, in a Phish glass from a show at MSG, with the warmth of the sun and a cool breeze on my skin.

One thing at a time. One thing at a time.

We are not alone. You are not alone.

Hari Om,

Sara

The Auspicious Octopus is HERE!

In India there is a blessing, Mangalamaho. May all be auspicious. May all be fulfilling. I learned of this phrase while studying Jyotish in the winter/spring of 2021. Mangalamaho - Are you aware of the auspiciousness that surrounds you? Are you attuned to the auspiciousness of this very moment?

Months before while driving in the car in October 2020, the words Auspicious Octopus came to me. It was as if they came out of the clear blue sky, carried on the wind itself. The windows were down, the sun roof was open and I had the volume turned up loud to Trevor Hall’s Open Doors. Yet these words came from the silent space of my being and I heard them. I heard them.

The Auspicious Octopus, I repeated to myself. The Auspicious Octopus. Hum. Ok, I thought. I had no idea what Auspicious meant and I had no idea as to what I was meant to do with the words Auspicious Octopus.

That was three years ago.  Three years ago, I was gifted these words. This potential was planted as a seed and now, today, she is here. Over the course of these past three years, I have sat with, listened in, explored, pondered, wondered and asked, what am I to do with this? With my life?

Slowly, slowly, in time, with time it has been revealed and now, I am sharing her here with you. She has come into form and is ready to be shared with you and others who are ready to meet her.

Shared, yes this is the intention. To share that which has been generously shared with me, with you.

https://www.theauspiciousoctopus.com/

This site, this offering is a true labor of love, one in which I am amazed, delighted and grateful to offer to you.  Included here, you will find access to techniques and tools that I have used to shift myself, my view of life and my view of the world itself. The practices and invitations offered here are techniques that I use to shift my state, my lens and my energy. They have worked for me; they are working for me and my intention in sharing them with you is that they may work for you too.

This life is magical, mystical and mysterious. It is a gift, one that I cherish and do not take for granted. It has not always been this way and I know this not only from my own experience, I know this because my life, for the past 26 years, has been chronicled. I have left traces of my life, more specifically the innerworkings of my mind in over 100 journals. These words, document the evolution of my relationship to myself and my growth. They speak to the pain, the challenges, the celebrations, the obstacles and the offerings from when I was 19 years old through now at 46.

I know that the gifts that have been offered to me in the form of these techniques and tools paired with my time, dedication, volition, will and commitment have led me here, to type these words for you and radiate them out for others to access, meet and engage with.

My intention in sharing is that something here, something within this space resonates with you and it shifts you in some way. Maybe it is a subtle shift, maybe it is profound. Maybe you realize you are not alone. Maybe you see yourself in a new light. Whatever it may be, may you meet yourself here. May you find aspects of yourself here. May you find ease and comfort in being YOU. The YOU were meant to be. The YOU that is here for a reason. The YOU that only YOU can be.

May the love that flows through me, meet you. At times it is compassionate and soft. Other times it is fierce and strong. All the time it is love, the love that flows and surrounds us.

Which brings me full circle.

Mangalamaho.

May you be in tune with the auspiciousness that surrounds you, that always here and available to you in all the ways.

Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.

With gratitude,

Sara

You Enjoy Myself

Feeling called to type, to write, to leave a trace of what has been unfolding.

Tomorrow marks the transit of Rahu and Ketu (the North and South Nodes or ecliptical patterns). Rahu is transiting out of Aries and into Pisces, while Ketu moves from Libra and enters Virgo.  This is a significant transit for me, they are entering signs that are in significant houses in my Jamna Kundali or birth chart.

Rahu and Ketu make moves from one sign to the next every 17 months. So this transit marks the end of a 17 month cycle. Which has been FULL on, if you have been reading anything that I have written or if you know me. 17 months ago was May 2022. I was in Cornwall, England for a powerful eclipse, one that sent me on a trajectory that I can only see now. *More on this later, it, meaning all of the threads are coming together and I am gathering all of them, they have been woven and I am beginning to see the picture. I’d like to sit with this a bit more before I share it all here.

I posted “Now is the How,” about the first eclipse of this season, the solar eclipse, on the day of the new moon, which I was unable to “see” since it was raining here. I chose to be outside in nature during the time of that eclipse and received the messages “Be Bold. Stand out. Be Seen. Radiate. Shine. Allow yourself to become known.” That evening, during my practice, the words “Let my voice be HEARD!” were shared.

Yesterday was the lunar eclipse and I had grand plans to be in silence, in a silent practice. Alone.  It became clear to me, early on that this, my intention and plan, was going to take on different vibe. Rather than alone in silence, in mediation, I was “tailgating” after completing a corn maze with my family, enjoying a cupcake and a root beer!  Yep, from the field of silence to a grassy field with a bunch of parked cars, surrounded by some of my family, enjoying a decadent cupcake made by my sister, sister and enjoying a cold root beer after “getting lost” in a maze for an hour. It was there, from that space where we watched the full moon rise over the trees, full and bright, radiating her glory.

I continue to be amazed by the light of the moon. It appears to be absorbed, she appears to take in the light, keeping some for herself and sharing it simultaneously, as she reflects it back to us, shining so bright.  I am in awe, awe as I watch her. Utter awe (rather I could type, udder awe, since the corn maze theme was Maids-a-Milking).  There I was, surrounded by cars and a bunch of people. The only silence was the silence of my inner being. And that is not only what was there. What was also arising was joy, delight, pleasure, enjoyment and fun. FUN.  This inner peace that comes from the silent field of my heard. This place of ease and peace of me being me, and having FUN!

Gone was the story of needing to sit in silence, in practice during the eclipse portal. Present were the delights and pleasures of life; I was having FUN. F.U.N.

Later, as I was driving in the car, I heard You Enjoy Myself. It is a song from Phish that is a lot, so much fun to dance to. Really fun to dance to. I turned it up loud, following along as it builds and I was reminded that I had also heard that song earlier in the morning. Different show (it was from a live recording), same song. That is when it DAWNED on me. Yes, YEs, YES! I am meant to ENJOY MYSELF. I am being invited to live fully and dynamically. Enjoying life. Living life.

There I was in the car, under the watchful loving gaze of the FULL moon, within the energy of the eclipse and I realized that this was the message. The message is to drop all attachments to what I think, how I think, how I plan and ‘want’ things to be and ENJOY LIFE FULLY. To be present with what is being offered in the moment, to not let it pass me by or try to control it and to fully surrender to the present, the gift of the present moment.

Ketu, Mars and the Sun. Jupiter, Rahu and the Moon.

Me and Bhairavi.

Exactly where we are meant to me.

Hari Om.

S.

Messages and Gifts

I am in the midst of a deep clean. A purge, a clearing of sorts. Both internally and externally.  It is as if I am making way for something new. Giving gratitude and thanks for all that has served and supported me in getting here, seated here typing these words to you.

Last week, I unearthed these two pieces. Pieces that were written by the request of Beloved Lydia Mae when I was supporting her with her remote schooling in the fall/winter in 2020. Reading them now gives me pause. So I am sharing them here with you.

Untitled

Sitting on a rock beside the stream Sara pondered her path, the path she was walking on. She has walked along streams before. She has stepped over rocks and roots, carefully placing her foot on solid ground. This part of the path felt familiar and unknown at the same time. There were rocks. There were boulders. The was the sun. There were trees. While new, she was familiar with them. Sara was alone, at least she felt alone. She was surrounded by sounds that were familiar, the water rushing over the rocks, the birds communicating with one another, the wind traveling around the leaves. While she felt along, she knew she was in nature, enveloped by living beings. The leaves were breathing. The grasses were growing. The ant was crawling. The snail was creeping. The bird was singing.

She reminded herself, while I have not been here before, while I have not sat on this rock, next to this stream, I have sat on a rock, streamside. I have pondered which route to take. I could continue up the path to look for the waterfall. I could turn around and return to where I began.

Sara began the journey, the journey to the waterfall. She heard folks talking about this magnificent waterfall and she wanted to see it for herself.

*I find this piece speaking to me today. There was a time when I heard about folks arriving at a waterfall. I was a part of the group, originally. My slower, cautious pace had separated me from the group and I was unsure where to go.  Weeks later, Alessia and I embarked on a journey to “find” the waterfall. We walked and walked and walked. We looked and looked and looked.  We had a certain image, an idea of what the waterfall looked like and that is what we were searching for.  Unable to locate the waterfall, we turned around and made our way back. Learning upon our arrival, that yes, in fact, we had found and had been to the waterfall. We were there, without our even knowing!

Here is a picture of me searching, seeking to see the waterfall:

A Brave Girl’s Life

Sara had a feeling that there was something in the bush. There was a piece of her that was unsure because she didn’t know what it was. There was also a piece of her that was curious. She wanted to know what it was. She walked closer to the bush and bent down.

She did not know what to expect.

Her mind was full of images. Would it be something scary? Would it be something she wanted to see? Would it be something she would avoid? She didn’t know. Sara did not know what she would see.

Once her knees and hands were supported on the ground, she was able to tilt her head.

There, under the bush was a squirrel. The squirrel was eating a seed. The squirrel stopped eating. Maybe the squirrel thought Sara would take its food. Maybe the squirrel through Sara would scream.

They, Sara and the squirrel glanced at one another. The squirrel began eating again. Sara watched quietly, observing and noticing how it held the seed in its paws, while it sat on its hind legs. It’s tail was curled up behind it. The seed moved as the squirrel rotated it in its hands.

Then, as if the squirrel was done, it dropped the seed to the ground and scampered off.

Sara smiled. She was grateful she bent down to look.

*I am smiling now with the birthing of The Auspicious Octopus on Monday the 30th, yes, yes, yes!… Last night I read this from David Carson’s Animalscopes. His Medicine Card Reading for October 2023, available here https://medicinecards.com/monthly-animalscopes/

EAST. Card number 26 Squirrel—Gathering. The medicine wheel is an ancient paradigm of the unity of the cosmos, holding ancient wisdom handed down to us from Native America. The East color is yellow on the medicine wheel–sun and fires of the heart are in the East. East is the beginning of our sacred journey and we have this opportunity each morning—the possibility of walking on the red road of spirit. We have entered into October country now late into the year. It is a witchy time, October—a time of magic, the time of colorful and beautiful leaves falling from trees, a time of transition into winter. Squirrel has a great understanding and knowledge of trees. Consider the tree—often called a standing person in Native America. The tree is rooted deep in the Mother Earth and there are more roots than branches. Trees are lofty and stretch high into the Father Sky. The tree was once an important communication device. If you could imagine a person’s image and give it to a tree it would reach that person and they would know you were thinking about them. Every single tree is connected energetically to all other trees.

If you are starting something new and you need to give it a boost, it is a good idea to go and stand in the East in front of a tree that you are drawn to. Put your left hand on the bark and ask the tree to help you start from scratch with any new starts you are making. The East itself is a beginning—the dawn of new possibilities. Get a new lease on life. Be like Squirrel. Have lots of fun. Be nimble, adaptable, and resourceful. Be busy-busy all the time. Be active. Get ready and prepared to meet any contingencies and be able to handle them all with ease and comfort. The message of Squirrel in the East is simple. The first message is spiritual. Find your highest guidance and follow it. Be in touch with the little medicine spirits all around you. Ask for and accept help from Squirrels. Know that changes are coming so be ready for them. Squirrel says to Gather necessities you might need in the event of a harsh winter or any other challenging situation. Plan for the unplanned. Squirrel medicine is nudging you to be practical, creative, adaptable, and prosperous. Simply analyze future needs and Squirrel those items away until needed. This is Squirrel medicine in a nutshell.

Now is the How!

On the day of the solar eclipse last weekend, I put on my rain gear and set out to walk in the forest. Within minutes, I was offered an incredible gift.

As I took steps on the earth, balanced on the rocks and stepped in the water something caught me eye. There, in the distance dangled a bright, red cluster of leaves. The only ones in sight. My eyes were instantly drawn to them.

Shouting out to me they called,

Be Bold. Stand Out. Be Seen. Radiate. Shine.

Allow yourself to be known!

I smiled. Yes. Yes. Yes!  This is the invitation- do not allow my brightness to be eclipsed by the tendencies of the lower mind.  This dance of Rahu (the north node), Ketu (the south node), Surya (the sun) and Chandra Ma (the moon) playing out, here and now. The two luminaries, Sun and Moon, the ecliptical patterns of Rahu and Ketu inviting me, calling to me, shouting out “rise up, magnify, shine, burn, erupt, let this inner fire burn!”

Oh, to be held in this. On the earth, with the sound of falling rain.

Incredible.

Later that night, in my evening practice, the words “let my voice be heard” emerged from the silent space of my heart.

Movement is here. Movement is upon me and I am humbly accepting that it does not happen in my time frame, when I want or how I expect it to be. It’s as if I need constant reminders to bring me back to this. It is so easy to forget. It is easy to get caught up in the pull of the day to day, seeking instant gratification, wondering when and why not now. And I am reminded that I have met the most incredible moments in my life by total surprise and awe. Not planning or crafting. Rather being open, totally open without attachment to how or when, what or why. At times without any real idea or desire for the greatness to come.

I have yogi tea messages stashed around in places where I find my gaze landing often, next to my toothbrush, on my dresser, at the base of a plant, in between my phone and its case. I place them there as guideposts, as gentle reminders of what is possible. Of what I know to be real and true based on my own experiences, through living this live fully as me. Open and willing. Open to possibilities and willing to receive.

These were the messages that caught my eye last week, leading up to the eclipse:

All in its timing. All in its timing. If you have been reading these posts, you know this is a huge thread of mine- this notion of time. My time and relative reality’s time. Sometimes they merge, most often I am invited to drop the illusion of time, my desire to control and shape its outcomes and surrender into its flow, fully.

This is where I reside. Here and now.  You know what else happened on the day of the solar eclipse?  My cousin Aly shared a few more sketches of The Auspicious Octopus that she drew that day on the beach.

As this 18.5 month cycle of Rahu and Ketu comes to a close at the end of the month, I have been opening journals from January, February, March, April and May 2022 and have had my mouth gaping wide open in utter awe with the full circle that is being presented. Words spoken then, have been showing up here and now, spoken by me to others and written in my journal.

One of the many gems that I located is this:

Now is the HOW!

Yep. Now.

How? Now!

Taking the steps now. For this is the only moment that I have upon me. Now.

Joyously.  In service.

Now.

“Lighting up the forest!” Joyously, as H.P. shares.

Now.

S.

I've Been Watching the Leaves Fall

The beginning of this piece was written in October 2022.  I came upon it now, in October 2023 and it is in harmony with the piece I am currently writing… which has me intrigued. A year later, similar themes messages arrive. So, I have chosen to merge, to bring both of these pieces together. Maybe some parts will resonate with you and your journey.

From October 2022

I have been watching the leaves fall. Observing them. Listening to them swirl, be carried by the wind. Noticing how they fall, where they fall, when they are held by branches, supported in certain positions, how they gather together.  Yes, I have been watching the leaves fall.

The other night, the message I that was shared with me was- give it all to the forest, give all of your worries to the forest. I am practicing being open. If the messages are coming, it is one thing to hear them, it is another to do something with them. My intention is to receive the words and take action, so I took these words and went to be in the forest.

As I sat on a rock in the forest, I had the awareness that the forest ground is the place where things are received and the place where things grow. It is a both place; as things fall to the forest ground, they decompose and they nourish. Then, in time, with time that which wants to grow and rise does so. And eventually the leaves, they fall. They loosen their grip, their bind, their connection to the branch and they drop. Again and again, this cycle continues. And I see this an invitation to accept this part of the cycle, to loosen my fear, my worry, my grips, that is holding me, which is really holding me back. And when I say holding me back, I mean holding me in a repetitive loop pattern, which is the mind. And it feels so strong right now. It is not relevant, why, it just is. I wanted to leave, to eat, to do anything other than sit and be.  Which is what I was being called to do. To sit with what was arising, to be with what is arising. To not try to change, shift, alter it in any way. To be with it. To sit with it. To allow it to be as it is.

I told, I actually told myself to sit and be. To not try to divert or distract, read or send messages, check messages or connect with someone. Instead, rather be with myself. Be with myself. Be with this. Be with that is here. Not clinging to a thought or idea, simply being with them. Noticing them. Seeing them rise and fall, like my breath. In that process, I could see the hooks where things can land, hang and stay. They are preferences. What I prefer, what I would like. Which is another way for me to attempt to control. To avoid, alter, change the current circumstance or moment, to want it to be any other way than the way it is.

As I continued to sit and be, I guided myself with my breath:

I receive here from the earth, pulling up this energy from the earth. On the inhalation, I receive this regenerative, healing, restorative, life giving energy, prana from the earth. On the exhalation, I return it all. I recycle it back down into the earth and pull up fresh life enlivening energy, welcoming it into my body. As I exhale, I release all that is already used, already done- back down into the earth. 

I continued guiding myself like this, breathing in the healing energy from the earth and exhaling out all that has been used, all that is done. I stayed here with my breath.

Eventually my mind came to ease. My body came to ease. My energy came to ease.

With this came clarity. The time offered to me in the forest, allowed me to see what is important to me, where I put my energy, my time and attention. To realize that I have a say in this. I can choose. I create it all.

Then yesterday, a few days after being in the forest, another message came. An offering was given from the leaves as I sat and watched them while sipping my chai:

The Wind, Pavana Putra- the heart of nature encourages this, she promotes this, she supports and allows this release. No longer holding, grasping the trees and the leaves part. They separate knowing they are one, that they have served, given one another what they can and it is time, the call of nature, the heart of nature, Pavana Putra herself is inviting their parting.

I smiled. Yes, yes. There is a natural parting. A natural release. It is only the grip that wants to hold, to cling to what is known, what has been known, what is familiar. It is the grip that wants to maintain the same. Nothing remains the same. Nothing remains the same. That is the illusion, the delusion. The story we are told. The story we tell ourselves, to provide comfort, ease, control. To protect. We shelter ourselves off to shield from the hurt, to protect ourselves from experiencing the present moment and all it offers, the raw emotion and feelings. We have a tendency to find comfort in this ever repeating known. We tell ourselves that we are safe when we build up these walls, creating dividers and separations and it is all based on an illusion, a false truth, a memory of what once was. We cling to this, thinking this is the way it is, this is the way it will be, something like this will happen again so we put these barriers up around us, these walls, shields as attempts to protect, to prevent, to control.

It is so limiting, narrowing. It is the walls that bind, that confine. These stories from our past that keep us in the ever repeating known. I tell myself, we tell ourselves that our knowing of the known is safer. We can be prepared for what is coming, because we already know it, we have already lived it, so we are aware of the signs and we can divert it.

From October 2023

I’ve been setting the intention to have a New North. To be with all that is. To find the balance, the alignment, the center, the harmony between the extremes that I tend to experience. Yes, this center point. This space.

To be with all that is. It is a dance and a resistance at the same time. It is an expansion and contraction at the same time. It is the high and the low. The in and out. The up and down. The dark and light. The yes and the no. It is all of it, all of the things at the same time. There is kindness. There is compassion. There is forgiveness. Judgement is there. Opinions are here. So is hesitation, doubt and confusion. It is all of this. It is the knowing and experience of all of this. It is the experience of all of this, of knowing these aspects of myself deeply. The self violence, self hatred. The grace. The love. Accepting myself fully. Meeting myself in this center meeting point, this space in which these extremes meet, become one. Unifying. In unity.

I have been noticing the subtler signs, the signs that are softer, quieter, not so overt. I often override or ignore these subtle signs. What I have been experiencing is that when I ignore them, they ramp up, they get louder and stronger, more forceful to get and sometimes to grab my attention. These moments, I have come to realize are lessons, opportunities for me to learn. And what had been playing out most often, up until recently, is that this diversion of the signs that I do again and again and again happens until they become so pronounced that they have fully grasped me. In these moments I notice that my mind is hooked and my physical body is responding. I am asking all the questions while simultaneously having my nervous systems on high alert, hyper vigilant- looking, searching, trying to make sense of what just happened. Or I feel nausea and that unsettled stirring that something is brewing in the pit of my stomach

Now I know. I know now that I had been ignoring the signs and signals and in doing so the messages had to be delivered in a way that I could no longer ignore. In a way that were so blatant that I could not miss them.

Hence my new North. To tune in, to be with the extremes, to find that center space, that balance, the inner alignment to be with all that is and to not be swayed or moved. It’s not that I am experiencing emotions or feelings and ignoring them. It is that I am no longer allowing feeling or emotion to be the driver of me. I am listening in to the messages, to the lessons that are here for me to learn and to grow. I am committed to doing my part to participate in this learning and in doing so I have to (yes, it is a have to, a have to by choice which I guess is a get to), I get to leave behind, to drop what is no longer serving, that which I no longer want to carry or lug around, or wear. I no longer want to wear glasses of the past that provide the lens for projection, lens that clouds my view of what is really here in the moment. 

This is what the call of nature, this cyclical call is asking me to do.

Ah yes, this clarity. The clarity that comes when the hazy smoke of confusion, hesitation, delusion, debate and worry, when these smokey clouds part. The clarity that I know I meet time and time again. Clarity is here. It is here, I meet it when I am silent, quiet and I am learning to see it, hear it, feel it when it shows up as a flash, a quick bolt of light. Yes, clarity comes as a bolt of light, like a flash. It is so fast, so quick I used to miss it. It’s just that now, through practice I am noticing it more and more. It comes quick, right before the mind kicks in with its stories. It come before the feeling. It comes before the emotion. It comes before all of the cloudy, murkiness. Yes, the clarity is here right before all of this comes it.

And it comes after. It also comes after. After I have been held in the grips, the waves, the storm. I have met clarity there before. That clarity is familiar. This newer clarity, this balance, this knowing, this alignment, this peace, this activated moment comes before the clouds descend and this, this is what I am tuning in to. This is what I am inviting more of. This is what I am attending to. This is what I am cultivating.

Dropping away, cleansing away, burning away all that has already served it purpose, its role. Allowing it be taken from a place of immense gratitude for what is has done, what is has provided and leaving this space open for what is coming, what is on its way.

More. More and more.

Yes, please.

Or as the leaves and trees are showing me, letting go.

Which reminds me of a joke my sister shared with me.

What is the tree’s favorite season?

Fall. They really let loose!

Showing up, rocking up, listening in, letting loose, dancing, twisting, swirling, falling and doing the work as it is being asked of me.

Live is practice. To live is to practice. To live is to learn.

Living. Learning. Loving.

Jai Maa,

Sara

*As I go to press the Save & Publish button, the rain begins to fall. Yes. Yes. Yes. How about that for alignment? This grace. This love. I am in awe. Total and utter awe. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It is Slow or Self Sabotage?

There is something here. Something that feels dense. Something that feels slow. Something that is calling me in. Inwards. To silence. To stillness. To the knowing within.

I dance with this. I dance with accepting this dense, slow call as this invitation to be inwards, to be slow, to move slowly. I see how this can be a call of the harvest season, as we are now past the balance between light and dark and continue to move in the direction of darkness. I have been exploring the notion of cyclical living for a few years now. I do this by honoring the cycles within and without. Noticing my own energy patterns and the patterns of the seasons, of the days, of the weather. Tuning my attention in towards what I am feeling and sensing and being with this.

I say I am dancing with this because as I navigate this cyclical living, I meet moment of high energy, delight, enthusiasm, joy and I also meet slow, quiet, dense, heavy moments. These moments fluctuate within the month, week and day.  I am noticing how my energy shifts on its own and I am exploring how it changes when I eat, practice and sleep.  I am currently curious about all of this- the play of the fall season, moving towards days with less light and darker, my sleep patterns, my eating desires and tendencies, my commitment to my practice and my overall energetic state.  And how my mind plays a role with all of this….

I have been noticing the “should’s” coming on strong. You should be doing this. You should be utilizing your time like this or in this way.  You should be getting this accomplished or done. And it is this interaction, this intersection of the mind with the cyclical living that has me pondering, am I living cyclically or am I sabotaging myself? What you might ask do these have in common?

I know, I know from establishing a relationship with myself that I have a tendency to self sabotage. Yes, I have a pattern that I am aware of, a pattern that involves me and my ability to intersect, to impede, to stop either with actions or stories, sometimes the perfect storm of both the momentum I have gained or the progress that I am making. And I find myself here, asking myself, am I in this place or am I simply tired?

Anyone else know this? Do you experience this?  It’s like we get a taste of what is to come and then we slam on the brakes, pull back the reigns and come to a halt. It’s not dense like trudging through muck or heaviness, I have been there before and I know this to be different. It’s like I am so close, close to what I am not sure, but I feel I am close and then I have an immense desire to stop, to give up, to put up my hands and say I am out. But it is not really what I want to do.

That is not fully true. When I dig deep and excavate around this, I notice that I am actually scared. I am scared of my own strength. Fearful of the truth of who I am and what I am capable of. Unsure. Unsure of what, I am not sure of. It’s this place I have been in before. Not necessarily fear of the unknown, because I actually know what is coming. I know where I am headed and some of the outcomes, the results of these actions that I am taking. It’s, here it is - I am afraid of my light, my power, my strength. My gifts terrify me. For I know I have many gifts and I have met some of them, I have experienced some of them and they startle me. In the moment when I meet them, I am shaken and then I catch myself and want to explore them more. It’s then, when I realize the moment has past, it came and went. Now it is gone. It’s not that I do not think I will meet a moment like that again, it’s that I start to beat myself up for reacting that way, for ending the possibility, the flow of potential of what was there of what I could meet. If only I…, this plays out in my head over and over again.  And I replay previous moments and wonder why have they not happened again? What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing? What do I need to do? Why is it not the right time?

And then I exhale, a deep exhale like the one I just did and I ask myself, what is the rush? Who is rushing? What is the need? The answer is easy- comparison. Comparison, the familiar story of it has happened for others, why not me. Which again, is not totally true. Glimpses, faint glimpses of truth are here. But really not that much, for I know what there is no rush and that I will meet that which is meant for me, in the time that is meant for me. This is part of the cyclical living, a piece of the way I have been living for over two years now. Acknowledging and accepting that there are times, certain times for alignment, for when the work is in harmony with the season and it is effortless. Effortless in the sense that we put in the time, we invest in ourselves utilizing the time and the energy that is upon us and then we wait. Ah so, yes! I am in the waiting period. When stuff is still growing, being nourished, tended to. It all comes in its own time and this is the lesson I am being asked to tend to now, to trust the timing. To turn to KNOW, this inner knowing.  To not have a plan, a timeframe and to trust that all is unfolding in its own time. The only time I am battling is the time set in my mind, and this is the dance I have been doing for years. For years, I have been engaging with this dance of time and this notion of comparison for years. And when I place my energy in its direction, I get drained, exhausted, tired. I am using up the energy that I have and sending it to a place, in a direction that does not serve me.

I have had two friends publish books within the past 4 months. Yep, this is the snare. Here is it. Out here for me to see. Why not me? What am I not doing to make my book be published? What is holding me back? What is stopping me? And then I soften, what if it is all working out the way it is meant to for you? What if it is all working in the way it is meant for me? For my life is for me, not them, not anyone else. For me only. So why am I comparing myself to them and their journey?

More muck is churned. What more do I need to do? What do you want me to do? And it is here, with this question for when it arises I know that I have really stepped out of myself, for the question I am posing is suggesting that there is someone outside of myself that is going to make this happen, going to make something happen. And I know, I know that I am here on ground taking the steps, taking action. That the action requires me to do, to be.

Which brings me full circle, am I tired and moving slow in harmony with the cyclical call of the season and the time that is upon me or am I avoiding and engaging in self sabotage?

At this moment, this is where I sit.

Pondering this.

-S

Lingering Around

This piece was written in February 2022 among the wisdom of the trees and land of Xenia on Bowen Island. I woke and did a free write this morning and was called to revisit the pieces I wrote during that time and this piece resonates with me. Hence I am sharing it here now, with you. Really, I think it wants to breathe.

Oh yes.

The revealing, what is under at the root is being revealed.

This which the experience is attached to…

I know, instinctively I know.

I know in situations and I do not speak up, I do not speak up for out of fear of being reprimanded, dismissed, shunned, ignored

So I override the inner knowing to speak, to stand up and speak. To share out of fear of disrupting the flow, the ease of and in the moment, rather than sending ripples outward, I hold it in and send them inward towards myself.

Thoughts and stories of stay in your place, speak only when spoken to, we did not ask your opinion, you are not the boss, you are not in control, it is not your place.

Oh yes, this thread is apparent and strong. So strong it evokes nausea, an unsettling.

Are you okay?  Yes I am okay, I say, when really I am not. Those around me know that I am not, and instead of saying, yes, I am okay and I am sitting with something that I am not willing or ready to talk about, thank you for asking… or something along those lines acknowledges myself and my current feeling state rather than overriding my inner knowing, my instincts, my feelings and emotions.  When I acknowledge this, I acknowledge my full self, that it is okay to be me in all ways, every feeling, every state. That this is meant to arise for me to see, it is okay to be me in this way.

I do not need to stuff, hide, camouflage, silence, run, remove myself from this knowing.

I am seeing what I am seeing. I am seeing what I am seeing from my perspective and there is another way. Yet, I find that I do not speak up out of fear of being, of doing exactly that which I hate being done to me, feeling like I am being told or reprimanded, that I have done something wrong. So instead of finding a way to share that which wants to be said, I ignore it. I override this knowing and instead flee or shut myself off, which then sets up and off a barrier in which I do not feel accepted or that I belong.

This is the feeling aspect, at the root of some things, lingering around, hypervigilant on its own, on the lookout for something to latch on to, to hold on to verify this position.

Wow.

Deep

Because often I find, that folks project themselves on me, telling me their thoughts, perspective, their stance, which feels like a lecture, oozing their desire to fix and make better when I never asked, I did not inquire with them or ask them what they think, yet they do it anyway. Somehow, them seeing me in this space gives them the permission to dump their shit on me, their words that they say to make themselves feel useful or good or helpful or better, stronger, in power.  When I never asked them. It is like an invasion. An invasion of space, one that speaks I know and you do not, here is what you need to do…. NO. That is not true for me. And it is not that I want to wallow here, it’s that I did not ask you for your opinion on the matter so shut the fuck up. Check yourself and where you are coming from, the desire in which you are speaking and showing up from.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

This is a theme; a thread being revealed that is connected to so many other things that hold me back from being me in the moment. From feeling I can be me in the moment, holding me back from giving myself the permission to be me in the moment, because somewhere along the line, me being me in the moment, when I am myself, I have been ostracized. I have been shunned. And my body will do anything to avoid that, I have developed and established well known patterns and trends to protect myself from this feeling of being rejected.

Oh wow. This is huge.

But the very action that I take, shutting myself off and removing myself is doing just that. Rather than someone else being in control and shunning me, I choose on my own. Knowing or thinking or believing it is less painful when I remove myself than when it is done unto me.  Yet it yields the same result, feeling on the outside, not included, excluded. That I do not belong. That I do not fit in. That no one gets me.

And this is connecting to a feeling of judgement, because I see these things so clearly, so clearly. I watch it all play out in front of me, these roles of victim and savior, helpless and hero, weak and strong, broken and fixed. I see it so clearly. I want to call it out, to bring attention to the moment, to name what is happening and instead I sit and stuff it in. Holding back the words and the knowing out of fear of what will happen if… for I know what has happened when.

So, I silence myself. And in silencing myself I am hurting myself.

I am overriding my knowing and this causes confusion and self-doubt. Seeking the external, what to do, what do I do when this happens?  Are you seeing this? Do you see what I see? 

What to do?

And others do not, so I feel crazy, because I see something so clearly. It is vivid and real. Happening. In real time. I feel it within. There is this desire to express and I suppress it. I have this perception and others do not, I see something one way and others, most of the time the collective does not so I feel alone. I am alone.

It is a loop, because the same thing that I want to do, to speak up and call out, shedding light on what is happening feels the same as what I hate, being called out, feeling lectured and told. Feeling like I am the one who has power or control. That is better. Somewhere I picked up that narrative, that me calling out the truth, what is true to be is in some way threatening to others, so they shut me up, by shunning me, withdrawing themselves which leaves me feeling alone, like I have done something wrong. That I am not good. That I am bad. That me being me and sharing myself is bad.

I internalize it and justify it. Making excuses. Telling myself I am learning and that this is an opportunity to learn, to grow. To focus on me, be in control of me because I cannot control others.

Yet what we say and do impacts one another. Which is why I want to speak up and say something in the first place.

UGHHHH.

There Comes a Time

Dedicated to my BeLoved baby deer, N.R.V. We are always held; we are always guided. We are never alone in this space, this grace, held in love.  I see your courage. I know this courageous act of love. Thank you J.M. for hearing your inner call to stand and come down the mountain so you could meet me at the exact moment in which I was to be met.

There comes a time, an exact moment when we must act. When we must step. Choosing love, the deepest love, the love of ourselves, within ourselves. It is so deep, so deep it feels like fear. It is so foreign, deep in the depths within that it feels unfamiliar, yet it is known. In the core of our very being, it is known. And it is calling out, coming out, rising up, shouting, a knowing quality that now, this is the moment, the moment to step, for if you don’t, if you do not step in the way you are being called, you risk it all, you put yourself at risk, because you sense, you know it has been going in a certain direction, you know this. You’ve known this. You’ve seen the signs and have chosen to ignore or override or justify or make an excuse. You know this is the moment to step, because you know it has already gone very sour, in a terrible, horrible direction.

I knew this 24 miles in on the dirt road. I met this inner knowing that propelled me to stand, to rise, to choose myself over ALL of the stories that I thought may or may not have happened (for I can only write about this from the stance of now, but then, then, so many stories were popping up). You rise and act, even though you have NO IDEA what you are going to do, what you are going to meet. And it is in this moment, when you really see it. When you see what you can meet, what is coming your way and you face it fully. You face the fear of the unknown, of not knowing what you are going to meet once you step while simultaneously KNOW that all that is being asked of you is to step, to rise, to choose yourself, to choose love over fear.

Logic is not there in that moment. Where will I go? Where will I sleep? How will I get out? You stop thinking and you know. You know you must act, rise, stand, get out at any cost. AT ANY COST. And you meet yourself in that. There. With what comes next. It is without thought, reason and logic. Because all of those are faculties of the mind and the mind has been taken over by instinct. By an inner knowing- a knowing so deep that you stop connecting with the mind. The mind, up until that point had guided you. But in that moment, there is no mind. Only a knowing. A knowing so deep. So visceral. So real that the ONLY choice is to step.  Only step. Stepping from this space withing your heart, this deep inner knowing that this, this very thing, this action that seems so scary and it makes no sense at all, yet it is the very thing that you need to do, the very step that you need to take. And you do.

This is when you know you have chosen yourself. Over all others. Over all stories. Projections. Fears. What if’s. Rationalities.

If is as if you look fear in the eye and say yes, I see you. You are real. So real I am going to step. Step into you as love, from this deep place of love. Where you know that it does not need, does not have to be this way. That there is another way and while in that moment you have NO idea what that other way is, you still lean into it and choose it. You step. You take action.

Yes, I know this. I know this. Four years ago on a dirt road, on a dirt road along a river I faced this. And I was met with grace. With love. Total trust. Total trust.

And here I am reflecting. The mirror of life reflecting so many situations and experiences around me, showing me the cyclical nature, it is all coming full circle or rising up the spiral, circling back around for me to see, to sit with, be with. In this. As this.

All here. Before my eyes, before my heart. Before meaning in front of. Present. Here. Asking to be acknowledged. Exchange. Value. Worthy. Deserving. Voice. Speaking up. Making my voice heard. Breathing my words on the sound currents of my breath, the vibration of my voice.

Knowing what we face. Not because I lived someone else’s experience, but because I have lived mine. How many others have lived theirs? This fear that grips, that tells us we cannot talk, we cannot tell, we cannot share or speak this to anyone else. The secrecy. The silence. The fear. The paralyzation. The aloneness.

I can picture this.  Women, all alone. Isolated in cells, locked in. Side by side. Similar experiences. Similar knowings. How can we see one another? How can we see one another at our core? Gazing into their eyes and knowing, yet not, because we are isolated by fear itself. This is what separates us. These stories that we tell ourselves. I am alone. No one will ever get this, understand. Or, I will be judged, folks will get angry. They’ll say, “Why didn’t you heed the warning signs and signals?”

Ah, the warning signs, the signals. It goes back to the very beginning. You know. You knew. The signal arose and you knew.

This is the moment. This is the invitation, to really, really listen. To tune to, tune in to, to pay attention to the message of the gut. The first brain, the knowing quality before the mind, before the faculty of the mind kicks in.

Trust Sara, trust.

All of these moments, steps have led you here. The crow calls. The crow calls. Listen to your gut. Honor the voice within. This voice that speaks without a voice. Cultivate this relationship. This inner knowing. Get acquainted with it. Establish a relationship with this knowing. This knowing quality. Tend to it. Cultivate it. Feed it. Nourish it. Explore it. Get curious about it. Know it fully. Know how it works. Know how to engage with it, with this. Know this. Notice this. Be with this.

This is the invitation of now.

Now.

There comes a time, and it is now.

It’s Graduation Day!

Some commitments that I have made have come to an end and when I shared this the other day the response I received was, “You are graduating!”  The words gave me pause.

Rather than an end, I was being invited to see this time as a graduation. A Graduation. Time. Seeing.

Graduation. A marking of an end of a course, a ceremony marking a completion of a course of study by a student.

Ah so. Yes.

I have come to see time as a gift, and how I choose to utilize and share my time as an investment. Yes, time as an investment. I’ve been working with exploring my notion of time, my concept of time. How I work with it, how I engage with it, my relationship with it.

And this idea of work. What work is and what is worthy of the name “work?”

I know that for the past four years I have been working on myself. When I say work, I mean, establishing a relationship with myself, getting to know myself, meeting myself in all the ways.  This, I have come to realize is a wise and worthy investment. A great use of my time. To invest in myself.

In this sense though, in regards to what we typically think of as work, as working for someone, something, some organization or company, some structure and getting money in return, or as an exchange.

I have been holding on to this notion of work. And I have been fluctuating back and forth between the value of the name work. Somehow, I have been tangled in the notion that work is only worthy of the name work if I have some sort of financial income as a result.

Ever since I left the world of jobs with salaries and benefits, I have been exploring this idea of work.  And I have been sitting with what I have been actually doing with my time. It has become clear that I have been investing in myself. Investing my time in developing a relationship with myself. I have been back and forth on how to “share” this with others, when a go to question is “What do you do for work?” I was surprised when I found myself sharing, “I am studying myself, I am engaged in a deep study of self.”

Which is true, I have. I have been for years. Four years. Five years. Six? What is worthy of describing time? I have always been engaged with curiosity and exploring why I am here and the role I play (more on that in another piece). I consider myself to be a lifelong student, here to learn, to grow. I carry this exploration in to all that I do and I have delved into this exploration in deeper way with the techniques I learned while in India.

I recently began working with declarations in the name of money to reframe and reset my relationship with work, money, investments and time. And this brings me to exchange. Worthy exchange. Exchange for my time. Exchange for my energy. Exchange for my investment. And in recent weeks, in has become clear that I was not getting an exchange that felt mutual, rather it felt more one sided. Although I realize that I can only see this through the lens of now. Because before, I felt it was an exchange that I deserved, one that I needed. One that I had to do to have income, to have money flowing to me.

Until I realized that I was not valued, valued for me, in the way I see myself and what I bring. This ah ha moment occurred to me in a really simple, unassuming way. I was walking, walking to the bakery to return a tray and this is what popped into my mind,

“Ah, this whole thing in playing out for me to see my own worth. For me to see my own worth and to value myself, rather than placing my value and worth in the hands and eyes of someone else, someone outside of me.”

Now this may seem like a normal, common place understanding. You might think, “yes, of course.” Yet, for me this is huge. HUGE. Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman, HUGE. Until that moment, this awareness had not dawned on me. Until that moment, I did not know the value of myself, I did not see my own worth. And once I did, as with all of my awareness and new knowledge, I acted. I moved forward in this inner knowing and will never go back. Why? Because this knowing is embodied within me. I know the value of my own worth. I am no longer looking for it, seeking it. No longer looking outside of myself for others to determine my own worth. I know this myself. I know this in my body. This I know. This I discovered.  

About a week ago, I was standing at work, at the register and I had a moment to untangle my necklaces. I have been wearing two sometimes three necklaces and they get tangled up, twisted around one another and each day I spend a moment untwisting them. So here I was, standing, arms reached up around my neck, behind my head untangling my necklace. A few moments later I felt something slide, slide on the side of my neck. I looked down and there, caught one the slope of my breast was the charm FEARLESSNESS. This charm was gifted to me by a parent of a child back in 2003, and the word FEARLESSNESS is written in Sanskrit. It was packed away in boxes from my move and I rediscovered it, three years ago after I traveled to WY to gather my belongings from storage. I put in on and have been wearing it ever since.

Until that moment. Until the moment when I felt it slide, when I noticed it held on my left breast. I reached up thinking that the chain broke and I wanted to catch the charm rather than have it fall to the ground, and that is when I discovered that the chain was in tack, meaning that the necklace itself came unclasped. Unclasped.

Ah yes, unclasped.

Moving through another level of an initiation… am I in this. My fearlessness necklace is dangling, realizing that the chain did not break. It become unclasped. Fearlessness became unclasped. As Jeanette shared, “Feels like freedom, fear dropping out the of chains… boundless.”

We are working with the Goddess Tara. Tara, whose siddhi is the power of the word. Tara, one of the Dasha Mahavidyas. Tara. “Tear- raw! Tearing open,” as Jeanette offered. Yes.

Tara has been with me. This is her power. This is my power.

And this brings this awareness of this cyclicalness, the cyclical nature of life, circling, swirling, spiraling. Offering opportunities to see previous experiences with a new lens, from a new perspective.

So much of this is arising for me now. Worthiness. Deserving. Seeing myself for who I am. The truth of who I am. Not through the lens of someone else. I know who I am. No longer seeking or looking for this outside of myself. I am the only one who can give this to myself. And as I meet this, as I am with this, I realize at the same time I am opening and opening and opening to more versions of me, more aspects of me, to the truth of who I am rather than these narrow, limited, limitations, reductionist pieces of me, parts of me. And I realize in this, that I have only known these parts of me and I haven’t met, I have forgotten these other parts of me and in the forgetting of these other parts of me, I have come to realize that I only identify with these parts of me that are familiar, these parts of me that are known. And these parts are ways of my identity, ways that I have formed my identity the way I see myself. I am a teacher. I am an Auntie. I am a daughter. This is what I do. And to use a familiar phrase that folks use in society, I stay in my lane. The lane that has been assigned to me. The lane I have assigned to myself through these narrow views of seeing myself. Of knowing myself. And what I am realizing in this awareness of this, this knowing, of identifying myself in this knowing of the truth of who I am is this vast expansiveness, that I am so excited to keep meeting these aspects of myself that I do not even know. There are these parts of me that used to be a teacher in this particular way, what I am being invited to see, is to maintain the isness of the part that likes to share and to be able to guide, and to be able to find, to be able to meet new ways of how I am doing that. Through writing my book or teaching techniques that have guided me here, having them be enlivened within others. And this is this reciprocity. This is this giving back, this receiving and then expanding upon it, radiating it out.

And what is tricky for others, is that they do not see me in this way. People only see me in the identified roles that I have had before in the past. So, as they are looking towards my future, this future of no longer choosing to be in a manipulative, co-dependent relationship with work or to continue to move forward and engage in life and activities in ways that I put forth and share myself in service and joy rather than resentment and feeling stuck, people that are around me, they have only known me in these ways. So, they can only see me in these familiar ways that they know. They do not have the same capacity to see me in ways that they do not know me. This is one of the things that is delightful about H, he does not have the history, these old stories, the known experiences of me from my past attached to me so he is able to see me, continue to support, cultivate and bolster me in these new ways for me to be able to be, because he is meeting me now. He is meeting me in who I am now and he has the capacity to be able to see, that in which I am bringing forth.

Which brings me to the first entry and last entries of my 100th, yes 100th journal that I just added to my book:

Book 100 Purchased with my mom #100,

100 journals of wisdom documenting this incredible journey called life!

August 17, 2023

Oceanside, on the beach in the warmth of the sun, a breeze and within the energy of this new moon, sol/lunar cycle Leo and Aquarius. Auspiciousness is upon me. This force of love that surrounds, propelling me. Acknowledging that environments are key. It is an environment that sets the tone, one that holds, binds and restricts, or enlivens and activated. Well, the environment shapes the mind, conditions, influences the mind and the mind is so absorptive. So easily influences, like a sponge it takes in the vibe that surrounds. And I am noticing how it is the energy, the environment that support me or drains me, motivates, drives me. Community, sangha- uplifting- folks show there is another way- another way outside of the well grooved path of the known- known habits, routines, ways of being, doing, thinking. Noticing how there have been many instances where change has been upon me- I have been driven, felt the passion, desire and I don’t have the staying power- the strength to maintain, to punch through the restrictive barriers, the binds of the mind that hold me. I see other ways and because they are new, newer, new to me, unfamiliar- I don’t know how to meet it, stay in it. And then I meet folks who show me it is possible- they’ve walked, traversed the path- their path and they are here- living, showing, living examples it is possible. There is a way beyond the box I have been living in, the walls I’ve surrounded myself in- to be or play safe and small. And there comes a time when it is no longer relevant, no longer working. Discomfort arises- signaling newness is here, making itself known. Its uncomfortable because it is new, unfamiliar. Fear drives the familiar, holds, remain in the groove- come up with excuses to explain, reason, justify why- why a part of me wants to stay- FEAR and more now, why I want, seek, long for the change. And it is the environments that I put myself in that are showing me this.

September 3, 2023

This is it. All things are cyclical. All things come back around. I’m pulling back my arrow, I’m shooting for the soul. I’m standing strong like mountain. I’m coming home. Healing. Seeing. Patterns and themes revealing themselves- becoming known. So excited to continue this process of Inner Wisdom- to read what has flowed through me. What I have written. The words I have chosen to shape and create my world, my life. How it has organized and designed itself around me. Two years ago, opening to love – huge expansion, gaps opened, wounds exposed and now, victim- feeling hurt, shunned, ignored, not worthy enough, didn’t fit in. All stories. Stories I wore, like cloaks. I was supported. I was held. I am supported. I am held. It’s that now, now, I no longer go looking. I no longer go searching for any of it. Love. Worthiness. Deserving. Because I know I am this. This and more. I am power. I stand in this. I don’t go looking for ways to be in power, empowered. No, I am power itself. I’ve accessed this. Accessed this through my own experience. That is how I know. Not because someone told me, or I read it. I know it because I am it. Embodied. Living it. These recent opportunities for me to access my own worth- everyone is playing their part for me to see- holding mirrors up, shining the reflection- my reflection. I determine my worth. My worthiness. My deservingness. I access the love that is me. This power. This strength. This grace. Me. Me. Me. No longer looking or searching, because it has been found. Accessed. This boundless bounty has been met. Here. In me. Within me. Within me. Wahoooo!

Seeing from this new perspective, from this vantage point, this juncture. Transversal, the many points of intersections, potentials for growth, newness and possibilities.

I am ready. I am ready. I am ready!

In warrior stance, standing tall like mountain, I am coming home. Not afraid of shining. Not afraid of love. I’ve stopped denying, this time I will not run. No. Pages have been turned and I am reaching into the fire of myself and letting those old ways burn.  (These are lyrics from Trevor Hall’s Open Doors, which has been a central song in my life for almost three years now, one I circle back to again and again).

Welcoming it all in, all of it with expansive arms, a strong spine and an open heart.

Meeting you here in this grace, in this love. Held in this grace. Held in this love,

Sara

*I woke with the lyrics “I’m never gonna look back. I’m never gonna give it up,” from Best Day of My Life and as I sent it to my nieces who have their first day of school today, I realized it is sung by American Authors. Yes, Yes, Yes. We are the authors of our lives. Us. We are. Not anyone else. And once we realize this, once we truly know this, it is the best day of our lives! Wahooo!

What Is Here? What Is Arising For Me to See?

If you are interested in hearing me read this piece, here it is:

What is here? What is arising for me to see?

Noticing planning and control. Organizing and arranging how my day will go, play out, be. What I will do and what I will not do.

I told myself I would be in silence, that I would not reach out to or talk to anyone. I sent two texts and received an audio message. So does that mean I am not in silence. And to whom am I answering to. Only me. I am doing this only for me. Not for anyone else.

I’m placing limitations and binds on what I can do- do not eat sugar, do not eat at all, eat only veggies. Do not have any dairy. Certainly not the m&m’s you found in the cabinet.

Why do I place these confines on myself? These restrictions? Why do I fill up my time with need to’s, should’s and have to’s? What am I missing when I hold myself to these structures? These attempts to plan and control rather than meet what comes, the moment that is upon me.

I have done that. I noticed my body wanted to rest, so I crawled back into bed for a nap, a nap in which I dropped into deep sleep for over an hour and a half. When I place ideas, thoughts and ways of being on myself, then I am missing what is here.

I notice it with lists. Lists of things to accomplish and to do, to get done. In all fairness, since I am writing for me as a way to talk with myself, some of the lists have been written to leave traces of the ideas that come in the flow state. However, there are no time limits or obligations on when they need to get done by. Obviously, I want to continue to utilize the energy and the momentum to birth this which wants to come into form. And, the call right now, in this moment is to be still. To move slowly.

I know that I am in communion, I know that I am in a dance of reciprocity. That I am being offered things and receiving them all at once. I saw this in my dream, an AI, virtual attendant showed up- arms bent, palms facing up- the universal gesture of offering and receiving. I know I am in this.

So why do I feel the need to control? What is here? These old patterns of obligations and need to, these routines of planning and crafting out the day so I do not feel or get labeled as lazy or letting time pass me by and not utilizing it. Oh. Not utilizing it. The energy that is here.

I get wrapped up and caught up in the notion of production, of producing something tangible that one can see, hold. An outward expression of my time.  A product to show that I have done something, that I am worthy. Good. Productive. These lists, checked off rather than left unticked. Markers of what I have done, accomplished. Yes, this is here. This is a piece of what is here.

This stillness. This quiet being. Accessing this space within myself. Not a lot of noise or busyiness around me. Not much to divert or distract my attention. For me to be with what is.

Last week I was charmed to learn, upon reflection, that the intention I set to be in stillness and silence came to be. I had an opportunity to be alone, to be alone with myself with no thing else to do or places to be. With that space and time, I thought that I would have some grandiose practices- journeys, mediations, kriya sets. Instead, I took two naps. I laid on my mat in shavasana/shivasana and had my feet up the wall. I sat. I walked. I looked at nature. I ate. That was my day. When H asked me the next day how my time in silence was, I caught myself in laughter. It was exactly what I sought. My mind was silent and my body was still.

And, two days ago, knowing I was stepping into more alone time, much needed and called for alone time, time to reconnect with myself, I received an invitation to sit and be with the Goddesses. The Dasha Mahavidyas. And, as this day is unfolding, that is how I am sharing my time. With them. Reading, contemplating, reflecting, pondering, noticing and witnessing, all within their loving, fierce gaze.

This morning, when I woke I noticed apprehension. An aversion. Second guessing my commitment to sit for a Mahasadhana. Aware of the trepidation, I asked myself, what is behind this? What is under this? What is driving this? What is at the root of this?  And, if you know me, it will come to no surprise that fear was here. Yep. Fear. Fear of what? Fear of accessing my greatness. Fear of tapping into my strengths. See, the Ten Great Wisdom Goddesses are not outside of me, they are not deities that I worship, they are aspects of me and I was, I am being invited to activate them. To tap into them. To meet myself in my power, my strengths, my gifts and this has me scared. Scared to face myself, to sit with myself and see what arises. Yes, this is here. I am fearful of my own strength, which is why I have been playing small, hiding, shying away. Holding myself in these limiting beliefs and reductive patterns.

And I know from experience that the Dasha Mahavidyas, not reading about them, rather, working with them, their power, their energy, their siddhis that they are full on. Full value. No joke. They bring it all to the surface, leaving nothing unturned. It is scary and blissful all at the same time. Freeing and elevating- this power to look myself full on, face myself fully and see what is holding me back. Which is me, stories I have picked up, narratives I take on, cloaks I wear to conform, to stay the same.

So, I am here. Yes, I ate the m&m’s. Yes, I ate dairy. Yes, I enjoyed both of them. These are events, moments that are neutral. Only I am attaching value, like and dislike, a certain preference towards or away from. These attachments are based on old ways of being, of being spoken to, of taking on others ways of being as if they are mine. And in these moments, the only person I am answering to, accountable to, aware of is me. Me. Only me. And since I am aware, since I am catching myself, I can do something about it.

So I sit. I face myself. I face my fears. I meet what is here. I am open to receive, knowing that everything that arises, all that rises to the surface from the dark depths of the recesses of my being, is here to liberate me from the very stories that bind, they cannot thrive in the light, only in the dark. And this dance, this dance in the shadows, that I have done with (have you ever danced with your shadow, it really is lovely, I have to say. I enjoy dancing with my shadow immensely) is beautiful. It is beautiful to meet myself in the space of light and dark. To have the depth rise up and have the bliss descend down and meet, comingle, converge at my heart center and open me up, open me up fully to love, the love that is here, the grace that is here. The love that is me. The grace that is me.

Flowing in this love.

Sharing this grace.

Dancing in this merging.

With arms open wide, welcoming it all, all of it in.

Hugging you,

S

PS. I sat with them. We were together, held in their grace and wisdom, held in my grace and wisdom for a long, long while. I love facing myself fully. It is beautiful. Beautiful beyond words.

Full, Full, FULL

If you would like to listen to me read this piece, speak this out loud, here it is:

This past month has been full on. Full on.

On the new moon in Cancer, I set an intention to transcend pattern-based thinking and living. Exactly that has happened. Quick. In real time. With no preconceived thoughts or planning. It is as if the moments came up from behind me, lingered enough for me to see them and then poof, off they went, dissipating into the ether. Done.

Last night, on the eve of the new moon in Leo I was held again. In a new pattern that emerged for me to see. Not that the pattern was new, no. The pattern is so deeply rooted, tangled and intwined with fear. It’s that I saw it emerge, show its eye, announce its presence. Yes, in the moment I was able to acknowledge it is fear that drives these habitual responses.  It is a habit of needing to out myself, to confess, to share, to overshare, to tell, to lay it all out there before someone else figures me out or catches on. But then, in the sharing, in the honesty, I get scared and begin to tell a lie. See I have been so scared of being shunned, excluded, ignored, discarded, sent away that I will do whatever I can to stay in harmony with someone, and in this case, it was to lie.

I was talking with H about this. He shared one of his experiences and a new perspective emerged from the darkness. One of not needing to reveal it all or not needing to lay it all out there, offering all of myself to others. Instead, keeping some aspects of myself to myself, not showing “all of my cards” at once and allowing another to do the work, providing them an opportunity to make their own meaning and sense. Seeing them as an individual with authority, resources and capacities to make their own meaning. Rather than feeling that I have to do it all. 

Yes, this is what came up and typing this now reveals yet another pattern, one in which I have felt that I have had to be precise with my words, so clear and intentional with my word choice to convey what I want. The thought that drives this has always been that the other will hear exactly what I am saying, with no miscommunication or misinterpretation.  The story I have told myself is that, if I am clear, painstakingly clear with my words and how I deliver them then I will be understood and there will be no confusion. I will be heard, met, received. Oh whoa. This is deep and this is really intertwined. For I know, I know from experience that I can only control what I put out, not how anyone else will pick it up or receive it.

Which brings me to another pattern, a habit of carrying and picking up the weight and shit of others. This feeling of responsibility, that it is my job to carry this, whatever it is. That if they did not get me, hear me, understand me, that in some way I have failed, that I have not delivered, that I have done something wrong. In these circumstances, I am lifting the burden and placing it on me without anyone else having a chance to learn, grow, or see. This pattern is so fear driven that I willingly pick up in anticipation of what someone might think, do, act, respond and I preempt it by thinking that if I get ahead of it, if I confess or tell the truth, then I will not be reprimanded or in trouble. What I am realizing now though, is when I do this, I am actually creating karmic bonds. Ties that bind rather than undo.

See, this is deep.

Taken when I was in New Orleans in 1999…see the eye emerging? Its presence lurking.

I have been using the word reprimanded a lot this past month. I trust that it is showing up since this is a well grooved pattern that I am transcending, seeing it so that it can be deleted. It has been showing up at work with interactions with folks who are my bosses, folks who are in a manger or authoritative role.  There have been moments when I have been spoken to in a way that the speaker feels I have done something wrong, when it is not me. When I am not the one who has done something wrong and certainly is not me who merits the tone or message that is being spoken to me in the moment. Over the course of the past month, I have had this happen on three separate occasions. When someone in authority or in a position of control spoke to me in a way that did not pertain to me, when what they said was not in any way relevant to me and what I was doing in the moment, but since I was the one there, I was the one who was meant to receive the brunt of the feedback. It has happened to me a lot over the course of this year in this job so I was really surprised when I spoke up and said something in return.  The words flowed through my mouth and caught me off guard. I found myself standing there, claiming my power and strength. And in the moment, it became clear that I was not talking back or being sassy. No, in fact, I was being an advocate for myself and not taking what is not mine to take. Rather I said who the feedback needed to be directed to, which I also learned in the moment was not being a tattle tail. No, this had been my old way of being. Sit and take what is not yours. Do not out someone. In the moment I realized, this is feedback, while a part of my lesson to learn through this moment, this direct feedback is not for me. It needs to be directed to the person to made the choice, the one who took the action. Not me, who from my perspective was doing my job, who actually had preemptively spoken to my colleague to share what I was doing and what I was taking responsibility for and what they were responsible for. A clear delineation of roles. So, I was surprised by this because my go to response has been to sit and take it. To receive, to feel I have done something wrong and that I deserve the ‘slap to the face,’ in the form of words when in actuality, I had not taken the action that warrants the response, it wasn’t me. And while the dominate way of being had been fear driven for so long I usually became frozen, still, standing there taking in and absorbing what is not for me, what is not mine.  But not in those moments. This is what surprised me, that a new way showed up, stronger than the old way. This is a huge awareness that is coming into light, not taking what is not mine is not tattling. It is sharing that the feedback needs to be directed to the person who make the choice, not me. I also noticed there is a difference between speaking up for myself, being an advocate for myself and talking back or being sassy.

These lessons, these opportunities to learn came to me in real time, in real time. They flowed through me without any thought, only action. 

Which is a HUGE shift away from the way I had been interacting and participating. At times I would speak up for myself, but for the most part, in the past, I would sit and take it. The story I told myself was that I am strong, that I can endure it, that I can take it.

No longer. No more. Nope. Yes, I am strong. Strong enough to realized that I do not need to take it and I do not need to endure it. I have choices and I can choose what I want to partake in, participate in and agree to. And I am NO LONGER participating in and or agreeing to manipulative relationships, interactions based on fear and condition. These, I will do this for you, give this to you, grant this for you but I need this in return, in exchange and I want you to know that I am keeping a mental note and written track of your requests. Yes, this idea of keeping tabs or notches, keeping score is done. It does not work for me. No thank you, I am no longer interested in being a part of this way of being, this way of relating.

Relationships, as my friend Michelle pointed out, are reciprocal in their nature. There is a mutual aspect, a mutal respect, a mutual exchange. And in the events that have been showing up for me, I feel that they are more one sided, more in a favor of one rather than mutual.

Which brings me to worthiness and my own self-worth. My time and how I choose to invest it, share it, cultivate it is deeply connected to my desire to put others first, to take care of them, their needs, their interests. I am aware of constantly being on guard and anticipating what might happen if I fall out of their grace and doing what I can to maintain myself in a positive way, in a good light, on good grounds. I spent a lot of time finding ways to not ruffle feathers or stir things up. In this way, I hide, I blend in, I take it. I adapt. It is so familiar and know, these ways of being and interacting, of being in relationship that they ways have been ingrained in my very being. Well grooved ruts that are deep, deep.

And as I have shared, I set an intention at the beginning of this last sun/moon cycle to transcend pattern-based living and thinking and all of this is showing up for me to see how I have been living in the confines of my mind, the narrow confines that bind and hold and limit me. The ones that I have told me I have to stay, to endure, the ones that makes up stories to justify why I need to stay in situations and environments that do not serve me, that are not healthy, that are not uplifting, that are not positive.

When I find myself chanting mantras to maintain my vibration, using positive self-talk and affirmations pumping up and telling myself I can do this, that I can push through, that I can endure, that I can stay…I realize that something is here for me to see.

Which leads me to a moment that occurred this month.  I was working at the Farmer’s Market when a conversation about seedless watermelons began with a customer.  What he said stopped me in my tracks. My thoughts stopped and my world expanded. I was aware that this was happening in real time, in real time. I could feel the confines breaking, dissipating, dissolving. I was in awe. Struck by the simplicity and complexity of his words at the same time.  I was so moved by what he said, his words resonated with me in such a deep and vast way that I asked if I could quote him. Here it is, here is what Dre said to me:

“When something doesn’t make sense, it means something isn’t working.” – Dre

 This awareness. This awareness. This clarity reveals how much time and energy I invest in trying to make sense of something. This goes way back, way back to previous experiences where I tried to understand the reasoning behind a decision or a choice. To grasp a hold of the why, why all of sudden I felt I was being blindsided, shocked, dismissed, shunned, reprimanded, punished. Oh my, my oh my. This is how I would live my life, tangled up in the shit of others. Their stories, their drama, their hurt, their illusion and I would do anything to make sense, to figure out why. To get behind and understand so I could adapt and become malleable, to shape shift to prevent whatever was happening to not happen again, to find a way to endure it or to justify their choices and actions by telling myself that I actually deserve whatever it is that is being done.

You know what else I noticed, I noticed that when folks do apologize and take responsibly for their choices, actions and words, I down play it. I say things like, “it’s okay” and I give them some out, some benefit of the doubt. Which is actually justifying it, offering them an excuse. I’ve done this to lessen their burden, to not make it hard or uncomfortable for them. To make it easy, to make it easier. I take on more to make it easy for others. Which reveals that I have been at ill ease with folks apologizing because in some way I feel, have felt that I deserve it. Oh my, wow. All of this until now. Until now. Until now because these patterns, all of them are in the light and once they are here they can be burned with the fire of awareness.

These patterns of manipulation, of projection, of excuses, of justifications, these patterns rooted in fear have been ones that I participated in and engaged with for so long. Patterns that I found myself in again, again and again except this time, this month, with the intention I set, it became clear. They rose to the surface, this huge tangled knot, intertwined became clear.

I discovered this under my chair at the beach…..

 The other night I sought to learn the definition of reprimand. I learned it is a transitive verb, meaning, if someone is being reprimanded, they are being spoke to angrily or seriously for doing something wrong, usually by a person in authority.

Interestingly, when I went to type reprimand- the word reprieve popped up in my search:

As a verb it means to cancel or postpone the punishment of someone, especially someone condemned to death, or abandon or postpone plans to close or put an end to something.

As a noun it is a cancellation or postponement of a punishment

So, what is this? What is here? This has me intrigued.

What I have come to realize is that a major shift in my way of seeing, being and interacting with the world is here. That I can handle what comes my way. That I am okay, irrespective of what is here, of what is showing up, being stirred up, brought to light and to the surface, no matter how scary or debilitating or fearful the emotions are that are attached to them, I can meet them. I can be with them. And see myself through them. I can meet myself on the other side. How do I know this you might ask, because I am here. I have lived through these experiences to have these awareness’s dawn on me.

I have lived through them.

That these are opportunities to grow and learn, to create space and to expand, to move beyond the limitations that my mind has set in place as fixed points.

Last night, I was preparing for my evening pooja I noticed that my offering dish had cracked. I began to cry. Really, I thought.  I can’t even get this right…Then, when I sat, when I was sitting an awareness came, another perspective rose. I stood and retrieved the broken dish. Yes, I thought, yes, yes, yes, it can no longer hold, that which has held, can no longer hold.

And I realized, yes, this has been a full moon cycle and on the last day, in the last hours the force was with me strong, wanting to clear, wanting to take away… exactly what I intended.

In awe with my power and the power that is here when I am aligned with the Divine.Jai Ma Kai

Jai Durga Ma

Jai Sara

With a hug,

S

This Time is Here

This piece was written on July 16th…

What is here?

What is arising to be seen?

Time to dive in and do more work. Not that I have not been doing the work. This is necessary to reveal another level, to access another level. Both down, in regards to clearing and up in regards to elevating.

Now is the time. Not that before wasn’t. Not that I am forcing it or making something happen, no I am aware. I feel the call, I feel the invitation, the pull and I am heeding it.

There is a quickening. The pace is picking up.

This is what I wrote in my journal today:

The Goddesses are here, the Dasha Mahavidyas have rocked up and made their presence known.  They are here, loving me, supporting me, gathering around me, bolstering me, holding me, loving me, encouraging my way on towards freedom and liberation.

This is it. This time has come to me. This awareness.

To no longer hold, set, be bound by limitations, ceilings, self-imposed, generated or accumulated over time confines.

Possibilities are vast and expansive and I seek opportunities to be around, inspired by others who have accessed these places, who know that they are real, who like H, encourages me to come along, to go further-knowing I have more in me, more to give, more to offer.

It is this that I meet myself, where I can push beyond what I (meaning my mind) thinks, what my mind “caps” as possible or far enough. I am dancing with this, this enough. Feeling good enough. Having enough. Being content and wanting more. Seeking, asking, calling in.

Not because I deserve it, not because I have done the work or put in the time or endured. No, not because anything.

Rather because it is here. It is possible. The time is ripe because I can see this now, this seeing is in the field of my awareness, consciousness.

I didn’t know this before; what I didn’t know I was not ready for. And since I was not ready for it, I could not see it. And now, I am ready because I know it is here, it is showing up in the field of my awareness, in the field of possibilities because I am ready. And because I am ready, I can see it. I can see the possibility. And with this possibility, with this awareness of its presence I am dancing.

I am seen by others because I see myself. The space, my work, my commitments, my energy, my intentions, my practices all of these have allowed me to meet myself in these ways. And now, because I know myself I can show up as my full self. Whole. Whole. Inclusive and being seen whole because I know myself as whole. Full.

I feel like a woman, whatever that means. In body. Embodied. Emotional. Sensual. Nurturing. Caring. Strong. Fierce. Loving.  In service to hold. To hold others and myself in this grace of love.

Clarity is here.

Clarity is here.

So much is being offered.

All of which I receive joyously.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

How can folks see you if you do not allow yourself to see yourself?

How can folks see you fully if you do not allow yourself to see yourself fully?

It isn’t possible.

How can we ask others to know us if we do not know ourselves?