Dismantling

I located this piece in my pieces in progress folder on my desktop. It was written on March 6, 2020, a week before I departed India to arrive here in the US. I find it fascinating that today, really I am in awe, of all the days since I have written with piece, over 18 months ago, this is the piece I discover, uncover in the pieces in progress folder. And as I write this, I have a sly smile knowing this morning I was called to write a piece titled Enough which I will post once I sit with it for a few days.

“What brought you to India?” as a question, in various forms is a common question to receive.  Up until yesterday, I have shared a version of my “story,” which begins with “looking back, I can see now that I have been slowly dismantling my life, to make this possible.”  Slowly dismantling my life.

I have been really looking at my ego, very aware of its presence, its energy, its patterns, its desires. Since I was asked once what my ego looked like, I have given my ego a look, a role as a character. I see it as a phantom in a cape with a dark hood covering its head. He has a sinister look in his eyes and his hands are often up, slowly touching each finger to one of its counterparts on the opposite hand. I regularly invite my ego to the table or to pull up a seat to have conversations, to have an exchange. I have recorded few of these conversations and I have had the strength to go back and listen to them. As I spend time with my self and my ego, yes, I know they are separate. POWERFUL.

I am not my ego! I recognize and acknowledge all of the energy and power that my ego uses to try to dominate and to control and I KNOW that I am NOT MY EGO.  My ego made up, it is a false identity and it needs my lower mind, the mind that is consumed in worry, self doubt and fear to reign. The ego thrives only on fear. Fear is its fuel.

EGO, for me shows up as what I do, what I have done, my successes, my failures, who I know, my connections, where I went to school, where I grew up, the clothes I wear, the friends I keep, the decisions I make, the jobs I work. In my experiences, I have found that ego is consumed by doing actions.

I am a human being. Not a human doing.  I am so grateful to be here, to simply be here to have this awareness rise and bubble up within in.  I have known that I am a human being, this notion, idea, phrase, descriptor has risen within me before India, it now has a new meaning, there is more depth.

Here is an example, I am currently volunteering at Mother Miracle School.  I got the call, well it was a text that read: What day are you coming to the school. We want to schedule you to take the heights and weight of 444 kids. Ready….

I showed up. I arrived with a heart full of love and a wide smile, ready for whatever is asked of me.  That is how my experience continues daily, I show up with full presence, no expectations, completing what is asked of me. I am. I am here. I am present and with that I am simply being.

Yesterday, I was sitting, enjoying being kissed by the sun, drinking a warm chai and the actual meaning of “mantel” arose. A mantel meaning, a structure, a support that is above a fire, a space to hold or place things. I looked it up. I looked up to different spellings because the le, el rule is a rule that I have not yet mastered (as well as alter and altar- thanks Mom).

I was in awe, pleasantly charmed with the meaning of both variations of the spelling (ah yes, homophones. I know they are different words, with different meanings that sound the same).

Take a look:

Mantel- a beam, stone or arch serving as a lintel to support the masonry above the fireplace.

Mantle- a loose sleeveless cloak or shall, worn especially by women.

It also means to clothe in or cover; cloak or envelop. To be covered with a coating. To spread over a surface. In ornithology it is a bird's back, scapulars, and wing coverts, especially when of a distinctive color. In zoology it is outer or enclosing layer of tissue, especially (in mollusks, cirripedes, and brachiopods) a fold of skin enclosing the viscera and secreting the substance that produces the shell. In geology, the mantle is the part of the earth that lies between the crust and the core.

***As I edit and add pictures, preparing to post this piece, now in October 2021, I also read that mantle means ‘an important role or responsibility that passes from one person to another.’ I am going to sit with this, be with this and allow it to soak in.

It was then that I realized, it isn’t that I have been dismantling my life, I have literally, taking off what I placed on the mantle what I placed there, to show. Right, we place things on our mantel to show what has value and meaning to us. In that moment, I realized that I have literally been taking off the mantel, my identity, my ego, what I thought I was.  I see that I am also removing the covering, the cloak I wear as well as removing the outermost covering and accessing what lies beneath the surface. So it that sense I am doing both, dismantling and dismanteling.

This is HUGE.  Seven years ago I choose to leave my job, my career, my profession in a defined sense as a classroom teacher with a salary and benefits, two and a half years ago my marriage ended, and I left my home and all that was wrapped up in that behind. Its not that I was dismantling my life, for here I am, living this life. I was dismantling my identity, the things I surrounded myself with that identified me. I am a teacher, I am married, I have a house and a garden and a dog (who I love so, so, so very much).

I remember when I was preparing to depart for India and I asked my sister to watch an oil painting that I purchased when I was in Maui for my first yoga retreat. It was a few months after my divorce was final and it was a huge step for me to take to embark on journey inwards with my body.  Carol and Ariel Mann, two beloved teachers of mine hosted Sole to Soul weekend and one day while walking in Makawao my friend walked into Jordann Gallery. It was there that I spotted this beautiful octopus painting that I knew would be coming home with me.  Rather than having Mister Octopus, as he is named, sit in a box, I asked my sister to have him. She placed him on a shelf, that looks like a mantel in her kitchen and said to me, “it is not like you are going to die when you are there.” Softly, under my breath I said, “pieces of me will die when I am there, many parts of me that are no longer needed will die off and fade away.” While it is not that I died, aspects of myself have fallen away and I see how I no longer give or hold value to these aspects.

With those “things,” with those identities no longer defining me, I am me. I am here. And there are pieces of my identity that I still identify with and cherish- I am a woman, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am an auntie. I am a friend. I am a leader. I am a guide. I am strong. I am powerful and I am meant to be here, right now.

I am these, yes, and I am also so much more vast and diverse while simultaneously simply and powerfully light and love.

In that light and love,

HUGS

Sara

What Are Your Next Steps?

This question has been coming to me for some time now. Folks ask me this question. It appears as a question, a genuine question. One that folks ask because they care, because they are curious. Because they love.

Yet this question meets me and evokes unease, tears, nausea, uncertainty- at times. Sometimes I can answer this question with confidence and in a knowing. Other times, I allow the stories and perceived stories, the perceptions I make up in my mind that align with the societally narrative of what a 44 year old woman is supposed to be doing with her life, in her life- these markers of status, of success, of accomplishments. And when this question meets me in a place of fragility, a place of not trusting, not owning my path and that which I am already doing, here and now, I get tangled. Tangled.

I recently read The Dreamer by Pam Munoz Ryan. it I accepted her words as an invitation to look within. She writes, “When a ball of tangled line unravels, what remains on the barb?”

So I sit with this, I ask myself what is it that gets me hooked in the first place? I sit with this. I sit in the stillness, I sit and sift through the voice in my mind, the one that justifies, explains, protects. The one that quickly finds an answer, to excuse my tears, my discomfort, my tiredness. The one that puts up a shield to hide, to deflect. I reflect. What is it on the barb? What brought me into this place, this space?

That I am not enough.

Those are the words that arose just now, those words arose from the stillness and silence of the mind. I am not surprised. I am not at all surprised to meet these words here, for so long this is the story I have told myself, this is the story I have taken on, this is the role I have dutifully played. Over and over and over and over and over again.

There are so many events in life, words, phrases, interactions with others that light me up. Light me up on the inside. In this context, I am referring to the lighting up as being stirred up, churned up, evoked. The stuff that brings feelings of nausea, clenched jaw, tears, tiredness. The stuff that indicates that there is much more still here, waiting to be excavated, addressed, brought to the surface. Or as my teacher says, the stuff that is being highlighted so it can be deleted.

Last week, to mark my solar return and the next journey around the sun, I went to the beach.  I went to be with the ocean. Together we were. She and I. I entered her.  She was fierce, she was strong. As I stepped, my foot would drop down and the next step it would rise up, different from most other times when I would walk in on a flat, sloping surface. She carved the surface below to rise and fall, to have dips and peaks, these ups and downs. As I walked, she knocked me over and turned me around. I lost my sense of direction, I felt her force crashing over me, spinning me, pulling me down and spitting me out. I was exhausted.

That is exactly how I feel when I am being lit up. Disoriented. Turned around. Churned up.

While I was in the water, I did not see the debris. When I was in the water I saw the waves rising from the ocean and returning, crashing down and into one another. It was only when I stepped on shore that I saw all that had once been in the ocean, maybe in her depths, maybe on the surface, I saw all of the debris, that which is not meant to be there. I located the green foam from flower arrangement, bottle caps, a pen from a Comfort Inn, Styrofoam pieces, plastic wrappers, a golf ball, straws… all of this stuff that does not belong there. Stuff that was not noticeable while I was in the ocean, but stuff that was once clearly there and now deposited on the shore.

This is exactly how I feel when the stuff is brought to the surface, it surprises me, as if I forgot that it was there while simultaneously knowing that it is does not belong.

And here we are, with all of this stuff exposed. Brought to the surface. Litteraly. Yes, I know it is not spelled this way, and this is how I spelled it here in this moment. Full of litter. Literally and figuratively. Both.

What to do?  What does one do?

What do you do? What do you do when stuff is turned up, there in front of you for you too see?

You know what I do, I see it. I acknowledge it. I face it. I accept it. At times I own it. That which is mine to own, I own. That which I bring in to situations, my biases, my judgement, my lens, my perceived perceptions, I look at closely. Where is all of this coming from? What is at the root?  Where does this all begin?

Which brings me back to where I began, the simple, unassuming question of “What is next for you?”

For me, the question implies that what I am doing in this moment, is not enough. That there is something else, something more that I am meant to do, supposed to do, should do. And, here is it is, since I am not doing, says “I am not enough.”

Wow. This is deeply entwined. A big root ball, tangled, twisted, intertwined. Connected. Deeply rooted and deeply connected.

It plays into the story of what is successful, what is right, what is the path that society deems is necessary to be worthy and deserving.

I know I am not alone in navigating this. I can’t be. There are others, there are others of us who are asking themselves similar if not the same questions.

Am I enough?

Am I doing enough?

Am I worthy?

Am I deserving?

I often ask, “what more do you want me to do?”

And then I laugh. I full on laugh. Laugh out loud.  Who am I asking?

Who is the You? Who am I talking to? Who have I given that power to?

It is not you, it is me.

It is the conversation I have with my own self, the discussions in my mind, the intimate one that no one hears.

And here I sit. With this knowing and acknowledgement that, the very thing I am resisting is all within. These stories, these narratives, these feelings- all deposited by something else, all debris that is not meant to be here. Yet it is. And here I sit. Sit with all that is arising. That which brings me to laugher, that which brings me to tears, that which brings me to nausea, that which brings me to exhaustion.

That which brings me to this very moment.

Here. Now.

Not thinking about the next steps or where I will go or should be.

Because what matters is what you do in this very moment. Not when. Not then.

Now.

Sitting here now, grateful for the opportunity to share my voice, to use my voice.

To have a voice.

Humbly,

Sara

Face Yourself Fully

You cannot change yourself until you face yourself. -Anand Ji

My nieces and I often sing the lyrics to Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror.

And when we do, I smile for a lot of reasons. They choose to break into song, this song of all songs when we are walking, playing airplane on the front lawn, cruising around the cul de sac with ginger ales. It reminds me of my fifth grade graduation, we practiced singing this song in the library, but ended up not singing it because it was not as fast paced as the recorded version when we sang along with our music teacher’s piano.  I smile because the words resonate with me, they always have and they really are now. So when I heard my nieces sing this song this week, we turned it on, grabbed spoons as microphones and began singing.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror

 I’m asking him to change his ways.

No message can be any clearer,

if you want to make the world a better place

take a look at yourself and

make the change.”

I am fully facing myself. All of it.  Sometime last year I made a huge revelation that in order to receive love, to feel loved, I had to give something of myself. I had grown to understand love as a transaction. When I first wrote those words, I stopped. I stopped typing and sat with what came out, what was coming up.

Now, I see that was on the surface and as I access more depth, more is being revealed. I see that I actually feel responsible for the actions of others, in some way I feel I deserve to be shunned, ignored, threatened, abused verbally and physically. Yes. You are reading that right, I feel I deserve it. That in some way my actions, by me being be, has activated something within another that causes them to react and as a result they are punishing me, that their choices, their actions are done and I am to accept them because I deserve them, I deserve to be punished.  I know. Let’s sit with this for a moment. Or many. This is huge.

It is disturbing to read. It is disturbing to think. It is disturbing to hear myself say these words out loud. And for me, to me they have been the truth, the way I have been operating, the way in which I have been carrying myself in the world.  Accepting the mistreatment, the lack of respect, taking it on, internalizing it as if I deserve it.

Ick. Ick. Ick.

And here it is. Out. Written. Spoken. No longer hidden. Uncovered. Revealed. Known. 

I do not deserve this. You do not deserve this. We do not deserve this.

That is the thing with things that are known, once they are known, they cannot become unknown. You can hide, you can pretend to not know, you can stuff it in closet, sweep it under the rug, turn off the lights, and yet, you know it is there, lingering.

Now, this is known about me. This being, somewhere along my journey I have become conditioned to feel responsible for the harmful, hurtful actions of other towards me, that in some way, my actions have prompted others to make these choices, choice to hurt and harm me and that in some way I am responsible for this pain, for this hurt that is being done to me. I have come to believe, that his is happening to me because I deserve it. Somewhere I have connected my actions with others actions. I have associated deserving the irresponsible choices of others as a form of punishment.

I see how we all have been conditioned in one way or another. You want something and someone who has the thing you want tells you no, and you ask again and again and again. And because the person who is holding the thing you want so bad becomes tired of hearing you over and over again, they say yes.  That, that message, that carries forward in to the world, so years later when someone says no or stop the person thinks they can keep going, being persistent and eventually you will give in.

I am here to tell you. NO. NO LONGER. I am standing firm, in warrior status, standing strong, grounded in the very truth of my being. NO. No means NO. Stop means STOP. Listen to the words that come from my mouth. Enough already. Enough.

No one should have to repeat themselves. No one should have to say No or Stop or Enough more than once.

We need to honor the words that are spoken the first time. Our words that are spoken need to be honored. Not later, not after you keeping trying and being persistent, NOW.

You know why this is relevant now, because I am saying enough. I am acknowledging that I did not cause the way folks speak to me, my actions are not the problem. I am not responsible for the actions of others. No I am not. What is mine is mine and I own it, I am facing myself fully and owning it. What is not mine is theirs, and what is theirs is theirs and I am no longer claiming it and taking responsibility for it. 

For so long I have had dreams about bathrooms and shit, releasing the waste, sending it down the drain, flushing it away.  A few weeks ago. I dreamt that I had to go to a yard store to pick up a vessel, it looked like a closet, to poop in.  So, I picked it up, I do not know if I carried it on my back, with a cart or a trailer, what I do know is that I brought it to the place I was and I pooped in it. Instead of leaving it there, with me, I returned it to where I got it from.  At the time, I did not make much sense of the dream.

Then, when I was writing it in my journal it came, the meaning came, I AM RETURNING ALL OF THE SHIT I HAVE COLLECTED WILLING OR UNWILLING OVER THE YEARS TO THE SENDER, TO ITS ORGINAL OWNERS, SAYING NO LONGER, THIS IS NOT MY SHIT TO TAKE ON, TO DEAL WITH, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SHIT.

And you know what, we aren’t. We are taught, many of us are taught to not take that which is not ours. So why did I feel compelled, responsible, like it was my job to take on others shit.

You know what else we are taught, to accept it. To accept what is happening. To shut up, to not speak out. To not question, to not say anything. This teaching is powerful, it is a silent teaching, it is a teaching spoken though the eyes and actions, the teaching of power, control and fear. POWER. CONTROL. FEAR.

What I do know is that now I know this, I am aware. This awareness is here, front and center, loud and clear and I am acknowledging it. I am accepting it. I am taking full responsibility for all of this. For silencing myself from a place of fear, for taking that which was not mine and I am releasing it all to the original owner and for feeling that I deserve to be treated this way. I am not a dumping ground, I am not a vessel to hold your shit, your anger, your hurt, your pain.  I am not here for you to take you unwanted, unresolved shit out on me.

NO. Nope.

You know why? I know now that I am worthy. I am worthy of being loved. Feeling loved. Being treated with respect, dignity. I am worthy of being seen and spoken to.  Not only am I worthy of this and so much more, I am deserving of being seen, heard, acknowledged. These are basic rights of individuals, of human beings. I am here, claiming ground, standing firm on solid ground saying these actions, this behavior, this way of being, acting from a place of fear, the place that where power and control reside no longer acceptable.

Now I know. I used to not know this.

How you may ask, how did I not know I was worthy and deserving?

How do you not know things? For me, I do not know things because I have not experienced them, I have not felt them, I have not been told them, or interacted with in a way that shows this.

For me, I am okay not knowing. It is okay that I did not know, because now I know. Since I now know, I am facing myself. I am seeing myself. I am aware of patterns and trends, well grooved paths, familiar routes I have taken to be submissive, to make myself smaller, unseen, not heard.

Maybe I did know this and I forgot. I have a tendency to forget. When we forget, we remember. In remembering we realize we had forgotten. Well, I am here to say out loud, here and now, I am strong and powerful beyond measure. I know this as truth. I know this now and NO ONE can take this from me, NO ONE can silence this. No one. No thing. No Longer.

For I am here now. Facing myself FULLY.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror

 I’m asking him to change his ways.

No message can be any clearer,

if you want to make the world a better place

take a look at yourself and

make the change.”

I’m starting with me. Making the changes within myself, for I know that is what I can do.

Taking the steps. Accessing my strength. Owning my power. Fearlessly being me. Free being me. Unapologetically me. Kirya, evolutionary action. Here. Now. Doing this for me, for us. Standing for all of us for have ever felt this and experienced this, you are not alone.

Inviting you to do the same. If you are not ready yet, know that these words I speak are also spoken for you. We rise. We stand. Together. Arm in arm. You are not alone.

With an embrace,

Sara

What is Familiar was Once Unfamiliar

I found myself drawn to the stillness of nature this morning. While walking I felt called to record short, one minute breath invitations for The Auspicious Octopus. I stood up after recording the third or fourth one and as I began to walk, a Great Blue Heron flew over the pond which I was sitting near. His flight, his wingspan, his presence, knowing he was there with me while I recorded delighted me oh so much. What a beautiful gift to be able to see him there. 

I meandered. Following the path as it led me. As I walked, I began to become aware of the path that laid out in front of me. Which led me to thinking about the path, our path. And how, for each of us our path is unique. And how our path is constantly shifting and changing with each step. As I walked on this path, this trail, I noticed how the environment varied, sometimes slightly, sometimes more pronounced. As the path led, I began counting my steps. While counting I noticed every step brought me to a space that looked different.

The invitation here for me, is to accept that you step and as you step it is familiar, its known. When you are in it looks kind of similar and then you step and it doesn’t look familiar anymore. Then, being in that space, the space that at one time didn’t look familiar becomes familiar and then you keep stepping. On and on like that. It happens again and again and again and again.

As that awareness rose within me, I made a choice to take a picture to visually show how this invitation presented itself to me. As I continued to walk, I counted 30 steps and stopped to take a picture. I noticed was each time I held up the phone to take a photograph, my necklace was reflected on the screen. (The necklace that I wear says fearlessness in Sanskrit. It was gifted to me by a family while working with their son in Brooklyn many years ago. I recently rediscovered this gift and find the discovery to be in alignment with my life. Living Fearlessly). When I arrived at the car and opened the back to take off my soggy socks and muddy shoes, I noticed my Sidi bike shoes. Siddhi. Siddhi in Sanskrit means qualities, gifts. Yes. Yes. Yes. Fearlessness is a siddhi I am growing, evolving, embracing, cultivating. Naturally. Effortlessly.

At times the path may appear wide or narrow. At times the path may appear well tread or overgrown. At times there are markers indicating you are on the right path. At times you may wonder where am I going?

Trust yourself. Activate your innate gifts, your innate capabilities. Your siddhis.

Every. Single. Step.  

Dancing in this beautiful gift of eternity,
Sara

No Joke

No Joke. No Joke.  I cannot make this up.

I posted the piece about remembering 40 minutes ago.  Truth be shared, there was a moment, a slight moment of hesitation before I shared it, because it is an intimate piece, a piece that is deeply intimate to me and my journey. And in being intimate, while being intimate, I am being fully honest. See, I write for myself.  I write to process and to connect, to understand and construct, I write to remember. I write to be in awe. I write to leave traces of these magical gifts life continues to offer me. I write and at times, I share what I write here. 

So, 40 minutes ago I shared the piece When We Remember.  I clicked post, stood up and began to prepare food. I pulled the tomato pie that I made last night from the refrigerator and placed it in the oven to warm. As I began to cut vegetables, I felt called to listen to a satsang, a wisdom talk, from my teacher Anand Ji.  I scrolled down through the many choices on Sattva Connect and landed on a piece from September 16, 2015 titled Self Healing.

This is what I heard as I chopped, stopping to put down the knife and listen in awe:

“When there is the idea that something wrong is happening, then the self-healing process is difficult because there is anxiety present in the being who is trying heal. With the presence of anxiety there is a natural depletion of energy. With self-healing, we have to master the art of self-acceptance.

No matter where you are in this moment in your life, no matter what is going on, is where you are meant to be. That the whole intelligence of the universe, mysteriously, has brought you to that moment, or to that experience. For you to experience that moment the way it is, there has to be billions of variables to be where you are.

When you begin to absolutely accept yourself, irrespective of any challenge that you might be experiencing in the moment, there is a natural state of peace that arises. This state of peace is far stronger than the state of anxiety you experience when you feel there is something wrong happening to you or something bad happening to you, in you, in that state you are weak, you cannot self-heal.

For you to self-heal there has to be an inner peace, a deep state of peace has to be there without any anxiety, without any resistance or frustration.  

Cause usually whenever something physically, slightly that happens, the first response of the human psyche is to get panic or to get into anxiety or constantly focus on what is wrong…’ I have this,’ and there is a natural identification that starts to happen where you feel dis-ease, meaning you are no more at ease. When you are no more at ease, you become the dis-ease itself.”

Anand Ji is putting to words the experience that I had the morning when I woke and accepted my choice. I did feel ease. I did not feel self-hatred or experience self-violent thoughts. There was an ease. There was an acceptance.  In the piece When We Remember, I wrote:

“So when I woke up the morning after having not one, but four glasses of wine and not feeling my best self, I was pleasantly surprised that the thoughts in my mind were thoughts of gratitude, thoughts of acceptance.

Ah, this is arising for me to see what is still here. What still lingers beneath the surface. The desire is still here. Among the clearing, the cleansing, the removing, the releasing, this desire is being uncovered for me to see. For me to see. FOR ME TO SEE.”

He shares, “When you begin to absolutely accept yourself, irrespective of any challenge that you might be experiencing in the moment there is a natural state of peace that arises.”

Yes. Yes. Yes.

You see, I cannot make this is up. This is not a joke, or is it all a joke. I am laughing out loud.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Giddy with delight and IN LOVE with the universe.

Sara

When We Remember

“Sometimes the weight makes me feel tired,” I shared today after class. “Thank you for guiding me to remember.”  “Yes,” my teacher responded, “often that is how it is.”

Often that is how it is. Oh, how easily we forget. Oh, how easy it is for me to get swooped up in the chaos, the story of the mind, the events that surround me. Oh, how easy it is for me to forget.

Forget that I can access stillness.

Forget that I can access silence.

Forget that I can still the mind.

Forget that I can silence the mind.

Forget that I can turn inward.

Forget that I can turn toward my breath.

There is so much that I forget. That I ask myself, What is worth remembering? What is worth holding on to?

This forgetting and remembering is arising for me after spending two weeks in the place which I once called home. The place I called home for twelve years of my life. While I knew I wanted to visit, I had no idea what would be waiting for me there, what lessons would be offered, what insights would be available.

With forgetting, there is a knowing. You have to know something to then forget it. Sometimes, this forgetting feels like an unknowing, something that isn’t known. Then when we remember, we know again. We acknowledge that we have forgotten when we remember.

As things work out for me, this forgetting, this unknowing is often presented to me in comical ways.

Take for example, a walk on a trail with a dear friend Carol. I had prepared my pack with a water bladder the night before. Once it was on my back, I used the long tube that draped over my shoulder to suck water except no water came through. I sucked harder thinking something was stuck, nothing. Maybe I had a kink in the tube, I thought. So, I removed my pack to discover, with a good chuckle, that I had placed the bladder in the pack tube and spout facing the top. Yes. I placed the top of the bladder face down in the bottom and the bottom of the bladder face up towards the top. There was no way for the water to leave the bladder and flow up through the tube, no way.  Oh silly me, I had forgotten. While I placed a bladder in my pack for walks weekly over the course of the years, it was something I had not done recently and in my not doing, I forgot.

This is what I am talking about. There are things that you remember. Things that are a part of you. Aspects of you that are there, present. They may be beneath the surface, they may be hidden, covered and yet they are there. Unseen to the eyes, now, yet a part of you, here. Here in this moment, I was able to see that something I had known, something that was so familiar, so much a part of my life, had been forgotten until it was remembered again.

Here it was arising for me again this morning. I had forgotten the power of my own breath. The power of my practice. The power I access within myself when I sit, be and breathe. Aspects of myself that have become known to me, aspects that I have cultivated and developed a deeper knowing since leaving the place I called home had become known to me, have become familiar to me. When I stepped in to the place I once called home, there were pieces of me that I forgot while simultaneously pieces of me that I remembered.

Maybe you have experienced this as you move from one space to another, one environment to another. There are certain routines or ways or rituals that become accustom to your way of being and those ways become known, they are familiar. When you move to a new space you have the opportunity to carry them with you or let them go.

What is it that you would like to lay down? What would you like to release? What is it you would like to embrace? What would you like to cultivate?

These were the words that flowed from my teachers mouth this morning. She was meeting me exactly where I was at. Not only through the questions, she was also inviting me to have love and compassion, gratitude and grace for all that is arising, acknowledgement and acceptance. Yes, acknowledgement and acceptance for all that is arising.

Before I went to live in India, I had a habit, a ritual, I had fallen into a routine of drinking alcohol to forget, to numb, to ignore, to divert. This action, this choice was a way of being for me. When I was in India there were a few contributing factors that lead me to face myself fully rather than distract and divert myself with alcohol. One of them was access, I did not have access to alcohol, it was not easily accessible. The other was my practice. I found that I did not desire, want, seek or look for alcohol, rather I turned to my daily practice and there, I was able to access a deeper aspect of me a deeper piece of me. I was able to access the silence, the stillness, the quiet of the outside world, the world that surrounded me. I was able to access the very things I was seeking by drinking alcohol through my practice. Rather than numbing, I was enlivening. Rather than diverting I was clearing. Rather than ignoring I was facing.

So I was surprised when I felt myself wanting a glass of wine with dinner when I was in the place I used to call home. Surprised, because I had not had this feeling, this desire, this seeking, this wanting has not been present. It is as if I forgot the desire was there. There it was. There. Here. Now in the present. Since I had not had the desire, I decided to go with it. To honor the desire, to move forward with the seeking. Why not? I thought.

I can make up stories to justify. To explain. To defend. In fact, I have. I know that aspect of myself. I know that desire, the desire to make it all okay, to reason with myself. I also know the shame and guilt. The hatred. The violent thoughts that I say, have said to myself. I can even hear the voices of others who have spoken to me in hurtful, painful, violent ways.

When you are truly present in a moment, one can often forget what it is like to remember. So when I woke up the morning after having not one, but four glasses of wine and not feeling my best self, I was pleasantly surprised that the thoughts in my mind were thoughts of gratitude, thoughts of acceptance.

Ah, this is arising for me to see what is still here. What still lingers beneath the surface. The desire is still here. Among the clearing, the cleansing, the removing, the releasing, this desire is being uncovered for me to see. For me to see. FOR ME TO SEE.

While I did not laugh and chuckle as I had when I discovered I had forgotten about placing the bladder in my pack a certain way, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I love you, this is okay, you cannot get this wrong, you are not bad, all is arising for you to see and now you see that which is still here. There was and still is a deep sense of acknowledgement. Acceptance. A sense of acknowledgement and acceptance, a sense of responsibility.

You know what? I made that choice. I made the choice to follow desire to have wine. I forgot how it made me feel. I had to experience that feeling again to remember. Yes. I made the choice. Yes, I remembered. There is no one out there that is a worse critic than the critic I live with in my mind. No one out there to shame me, to blame me, to criticize me. (Let’s be real here, there are. So many people are full of judgements and opinions. I know this. You know what else I know, no one else’s opinion of me matters. Only mine. I am the only person’s whose voice matters). Only me. Others can tell stories and have their opinions. You know what I realized through this? I am the one that matters, my own view of myself.

And I was surprised to hear the words of gratitude and love, of acknowledgement and acceptance, of compassion and grace flowed in my mind. Pleasantly surprised. For I have known that I have grown, I know I have taken steps forward to heal, to remove, to cleanse, to clear.

Here, in this moment, in this event in life, I was, I am able to see how far I have come, how much I have grown.

What I was witnessing was transformation. Pieces of me have transformed. Shifted. Changed.

I can forgive myself. I FORGIVE MYSELF.

I can accept my actions. I ACCEPT MY ACTIONS.

I can hold myself in a loving embrace. I HOLD MYSELF IN A LOVING EMBRACE.

I can trust that all is happening for me. I TRUST THAT ALL IS HAPPENING FOR ME.

Why you may ask do I rewrite the sentence in bold removing the word ‘can’? Because it is all happening NOW.  All if this is happening NOW. There is no one else out there that is going to do this work for you. It is not going to happen when, if, then… No. That is not how it works. I see this so clearly now.

It is up to you.

It is up to you.

Others can forgive you.

Others can accept you.

Others can see you.

Others can include you.

Others can hold you.

This is wonderful. All of this.

And…

The person whose voice that matters is yours.  

Are you willing to forgive yourself?

Are you willing to accept yourself?

Are you willing to access the grace and love that you are?

Are you willing to hold yourself in the grace and love that you are?

That is what is means to remember. To remember that you are love. YOU ARE LOVE.

It is so easy to forget. It is so easy to get swept away in the day to day, the stories of the mind.

So when you find yourself there, in the story of the mind, what story are you telling yourself? Is it a story of love and grace? A story of acceptance and compassion?

Drop the story that you have been holding of yourself that does not fit with who you are. Put down the burden you have been carrying, the images, the perceptions, the view that others have of you.

Lay them all down and remember the truth.

We can choose.

We choose.

We have the choice.

It is up to no one else outside of us.  It is not about anyone else except ourselves.

Choose love.

Choose grace.

Choose acceptance.

Choose trust.

Choose forgiveness.

I meet you here in this space, with a warm embrace.

Welcome Home,

Sara

It's Official

It is official. Today, on August 18, 2021 at 12:49 pm I took a step.

I am responding to the call.

Taking action.

Showing up.

Today, I posted on @theauspiciousoctopus…

What delights me so very much, what I did not know was that the time I posted 12:49 adds up to 7! Yes 7! Seven is the number of arms that Vincent the octopus that travels with me in my car has. Seven is such a powerful number for me, a number that continues to resonate with me and without me even knowing, without a conscious choice to post at a certain time, here is it 12:49 adding up to 7.

I surrender totally to the flow and trust that all is meant to be, will be.

Curious to see what greets us here.

Loving you,

Sara

Space as a connector; rather than a separator

Jeanette and I shared our perspectives in a piece titled Dots, shared here on June 16th. The conversation continued and we feel called to share it here, with you in this space. May these words, may aspects of this exchange meet you where you are, inviting you to look within.

Space as a connector; rather than a separator.

What arises within you as you read these words?

Jeanette: Interesting to sit with this for a few days + observe the words enliven in the theatre of life. “Getting to that space”

First to arrive on this magnificent stage is the concept that space is separate. As a young child I felt the parental expectations to assimilate into the norm yet with a subliminal agenda to separate , excel + rise into excellence. As I grew up I chased the promised external prize of happiness believing that popularity , good grades and material success seemed to offer. I bought into the thought that happiness was external + IF I could just get “to that space” then all would be fulfilled. The media, culture in which I lived , friends, family + self created stories cheered me on as I ran in this illusionary gerbil wheel of life . Driven to bigger, better + more, parties, shopping, sex drugs and rock and roll. The rat race of stuff to get to that happy space. The Ego’s hunger of “ wanting” was insatiable -always seeking and never satisfied, always looking, never seeing. And yet in the darker quiet moments a voice whispers that  of a deeper connection +greater truth. The actress stands and the veil of the curtain rises.

Second to arrive on the stage, a new understanding , stillness, clarity and quieting of the demands of the mind.  And rather than get “spaced “out or running from the  illusion of separation -  I “space in'', discovering peace, an inner smile and joy. Home, here within the heart. No boundaries or separation. Nowhere to go or hide, nothing to do just be.  And in those Deeper dives, discovering space as a connector not a separator one sees Unity and diversity happening simultaneously, as one. 

Sara: You appeared surprised when I wrote space as a separator. I used to think that space was a separator. For me, space was a separator.  I would use the phrase, “I need space,” and “Please give me space,” to indicate that I needed time alone, away from others. When I used the phrase, “I need space,” I was really indicating to myself, “step away or you are going to lose it.’ 

Now, I rarely say I need space. I think that is partially because I do not spend much time around others and spend so much time with myself (which I am able to do, because I have faced myself and I do not feel the need to escape- more on that another time). I am also more comfortable removing myself rather than asking for permission or needing to excuse myself. I am also aware that my mediation practice and the techniques I have learned from Sattva have provided me with experiences where I have accessed stillness within. Through consistent practice, I know my nervous system has become more stable and I find that I am more even in my responses, with how I handle events of life unfolding. These techniques are deeply rooted and I turn to them when I become aware of the sensations and messages from my body that indicate I need to turn inward and when I do, I am able to come to center. So, now I can remain in a space where I would once feel like I needed to flee and turn inwards. As I type this I am delighted to notice that I am aware of the messages in my body, the subtle clues that I now recognize as indicators that something is off. Before my system was on such high alert that there was only stillness within when I was sleeping or numbing. 

I see how this space that I was once seeking, the space that I was looking for was the space I needed to de escalate and calm my nervous system. Now, I know space is necessary for me to connect with myself and in connecting with myself, I am actually able to connect with others. I am able to hold space and be with events that are unfolding around me that I may not like or may not agree with, with less intensity and the desire to run, hide or numb.

All boundaries are on the level of the mind, on the level of thought. Created by humans, created by us. In space, there are no boundaries.  How then is space a connector?

Jeanette: When one begins to see himself he sees himself everywhere “the one that hates can not be at PEACE.”

Sara: The essence of space is space. Infinite in all directions.  There are no boundaries in space, since boundaries are only on the level of the mind, the boundaries can only be located in the mind. 

I pondered this when I slept outside this week. I have in the past shared, I am going to sleep under the stars, yet this time I knew I was sleeping among the stars, with the stars. For I am here with them, floating in space with the stars. I am around them, I am among them. They are around me, they are among me. 

It is like the ocean. There is one ocean, all connected. We labeled them and placed boundaries and yet the ocean is the ocean. Same with the air we breathe, all of the air is here. Inhale and breathe life in. The air I breathe is the same air you breathe in, from different versions of here only.

For me, I find, sitting with myself, being with myself and accessing the space within allows me to connect with others in a deeper way. In knowing myself, with being comfortable with myself and all that arises within me and for me, I find I am able to see others from a different perspective. I am able to see them, often meet them without perceptions and projections, labels and identities. I am able to see myself within them, and them within me. From this space, I see that we are all connected.

Love Yourself Enough

This piece is written and shared with my hands in namaskar and my head bowing to the strong women in my life who shared this phrase with me- Love Yourself Enough. Which we then morphed into an invitation to take action - Do you love yourself enough to step forward and take action? 

In continuing with the theme of transformation and coming to center, there is a thread of love that is woven within each and it is very pronounced.  A thread of love. Woven with a thread of will and determination, woven with a thread of steadfastness and volition, woven with a thread of courage and commitment. Yes, let me wrap myself in a tapestry woven with those threads!

What is it that we stand for? What is it that we allow to be, allow to surround ourselves to be surrounded with, to be encompassed by?

Do we allow love? Do we accept love? Do we have love for ourselves?

I have found it to be easier show love to another, to give love to another than it is to love myself. Let’s be clear here, I know that I cannot find love and that I cannot get love. I know that love resides within me and that I am love. Sometimes I forget this. Sometimes I forget who I am. When I forget, I am reminded that loving myself requires commitment and focus. I can find myself easily distracted, feeling the outward pull and forgetting my true internal nature, the essence of who I am.  I notice how my attention and energy is easily diverted to others, to the external, to that which is outside of me.

It is like driving on a highway with billboards.  Have you ever noticed them? On some stretches of road there are so many, so many billboards, so many invitations to draw your attention away from your intention, your focus, from where you are going, to what you have set forth to do. The stories show up like this, like the billboards, “I don’t have time to love myself, I have to do for others.” “It is selfish to love myself, I was taught to put others before me.” What I have found when I sit with these thoughts, is that there is another narrative laying underneath, right there below the surface. Once I excavate through that first layer, more is here to be discovered.

For me, I have found that beneath the surface stories, lies this narrative, “it is scary to love myself.” “I am afraid to be me, to be the real me, to expose myself, my authentic self.” What is my authentic self you may ask? For me, I have found that my authentic self is the voice that KNOWS. It knows beyond needing. It knows, a deep inner knowing. A knowing that is always here.

This knowing is love. The not knowing is fear. The remembering is love. The forgetting is fear.

My authentic self is also the voice that wants to speak up and say something, when it knows that what is being said is not right and it doesn’t feel good.  As I continue to connect with myself, by paying attention to the subtle messages my body and the environment tell me, I notice my authentic self bubble up and the tendency I have to stuff it down, to shut it off, to cover it up. Simply put, I ignore it. I ignore it because I tell myself by ignoring it, it will go away. Though I find that ignoring this inner voice, these messages that were once subtle are no longer subtle, they get louder and they show up so pronounced that I can no longer ignore them. In fact, they become so big it feels like it is a lot to bear. And in that bigness, the fear expands.

At times this pull to ignore it seeps into my writing, and I do not honestly write in my journal. I do not share myself authentically in my journal. Does this resonate with you?  Are you familiar with what I am sharing? I am so fearful of being me that I show only fragments of myself, slivers, pieces.

Yes, you read that right. I show up only revealing fragments of myself, little slivers of me. I only show pieces of me out of fear. Out of fear of what might be, out of fear of what might happen.

Are you familiar with the movie Say Anything?  There is a quote from the movie, “I can say anything to you.” Somewhere I learned that “saying anything” is not good. I have learned it is not good because of the way it is received.  This is also coming up for me. Folks say they are open, that they want to talk, that they want feedback, that they want to hear what you have to say. The receiver, the one who is listening, hearing or reading is actually not ready to receive or only picks up pieces of what is being said, what is being shared.  I get it. I grasp the understanding that folks can only meet you where they are at, that we have to shift what we are saying so the message can be delivered, can be heard, can be received. I also get that I cannot control what one is going to get, what one chooses to receive.  I know that from my own experiences.

We can only receive that in which we are ready and willing to receive. That in which we are open to receive. We can say we want to receive and that receiving is reliant on, that receiving is dependent on our state. The state in which we are in, the place in which we are at.

I just had a visual of me sleeping and someone talking to me. When I am sleeping and someone comes to talk with me, to say they love me or to offer forgiveness, I am in a sleep state so I am not ‘really’ receiving. Same thing when I am in a world of hurt, full of anger and sadness and feeling alone, no matter what you say or how much you say it, I am going to remain in that place of hurt and sadness until I am not longer in that place. A piece of me wants to write and I am doing it now, that I remain there until I am ready to no longer be in that place, which is for me, is part true. When I am ready to drop the anger, move through the hurt then a huge vast spaciousness opens up within me and I am able to receive.

But I digress… bringing us back to this feeling of control, that I can control how one is going to receive. I spent a lot of energy in this desire to control. The words I choose, the words I choose not to use. What I choose to say, how I choose to say it. All of this energy to ensure that what I am saying is received. But is it received? No. No. No, it is not. Why? Because what I have to say has little to do with how it is received. I can spend all of this time, all of my energy on what to say and how to say it and it relies heavily on who is receiving and the state that they are in.

How much then is lost?  How much of the authenticity is lost here in this meeting the person where they are? Are we speaking for them or are we speaking for us? Why are we even speaking at all? Who is actually speaking? Is it me that is speaking or is it the me that wants to be heard?  I know you know about this, the part of you that wants to be heard. This voice that pops in and starts to explain, justify and defend repeating conversations over and over again in the mind on what I could have said, what I should have said and questioning what I did say. It is exhausting.

I see how there are different aspects of sharing. Here are a few ways of sharing that I have experienced myself. One way sharing, sharing to share, maybe even a sharing to tell. Two way sharing, to be heard, to be understood. Mutual dialogue, sharing to grow, sharing to expand. 

A one-way share is fixed, it is already set with its intention. In a one way share the person sharing is set on what they are going to say and how it is going to play out. They are set in their way, fixed, not flexible. Rigid, firm. They are not really listening.  

Two way sharing more flexible, more responsive more dynamic. Both parties are sharing and they can be open, a bit more flexible and appear more responsive and they can also remain committed to their stance in which they entered the dialogue with so they can move back and forth from and open, flexible stance to a fixed, rigid place.

With mutual sharing, there is shared respect.  A level of showing up and accepting. There is no end goal, no stance of right and wrong. It is simply a sharing, an expression. There is ease. There is acceptance. Have you been met here in this space? It is lovely to be here. To be heard. To be seen. To be acknowledged. To be loved. To be accepted. To be received. As. You. Are. There are no hidden agendas, there are no back stories, there are no preconceived notions. You simply are. It is truly beautiful. I find myself discovering relationships in which there is this mutual respect, this space to honor one another in a mutual way. It is profound. Truly profound.

Back to the analogy of a road, if you are on a one-way road, cars can join in and merge and go with the flow. You stay your course and expect others to join in and go with you. With two-way traffic we are going in opposite directions and we meet up at intersections. You can continue on your way or you can turn and go in a different direction.  And then there is traffic in India. Have you experienced this?  It looks as if no one is going anywhere and simultaneously everyone is going somewhere.  You know what? You do. There is a mutual aspect here, a recognition that everyone is on their path, going their own direction and you are too. You see the other cars, the rickshaw, the cow and you acknowledge where they are and they acknowledge you. It is mutual. No one cuts you off, no one ignores the rules. There is a mutual understanding that we are all going somewhere and here we are, all going somewhere.  We hold space. We offer space and slowly, slowly you make your way. No one is better off, no one is shut out. No one is left behind, we are all on our paths going our own ways and there is a mutual understanding, a mutual respect that we are all going there, now. We are all on our way.

Words, spoken and written are received the way they are perceived. If one is open and receptive, they receive that which is meant for them to receive. If one is defensive and there is a wall, then there may be little receiving, little pieces slip through the cracks. If there is anger or resentment, then the words that are shared may only resonate with what one is looking for to validate or confirm the state in which one is in. One may shun the words, toss them to the side, feeling that the words do not resonate, do not make sense, are not aligned.

Does that mean though that you do not speak up or out based on how the person is going to perceive what you have to say? Do you limit your words, silence yourself out of fear of how someone is going to act, how someone might respond? Are you silencing yourself then from a perception of what might be, of a perception of how what you say might be perceived?

What is arising for me now is that this is all about me and you, the speaker. The one who is doing the speaking. It is not about the receiver. For how the receiver receives is dependent on the state of the receiver and that can not be controlled. I know, I have tried. I have tried to reframe, to say things in a different way. I have varied the message I have wanted to say all in efforts for it to be received, for it to be heard in the way I meant, the way I intend it to be received. It is not about how it is received. Well, it is and it isn’t. What is more important, for me now, I am noticing, is that I say what I feel I called to say, rather than allowing it to sit within me. For too long, I have sat with things, had conversations in my mind, received hurtful words and phrases as if I am deserving of them. As if it is okay. I have stood there absorbing and taking in, taking on without questioning.

No longer. No thank you. I am no longer willing to reduce myself to someone small. I am no longer willing to accept hurtful words and judgements. I am no longer submissive. I choose to rise up. I stand up. To speak up and take action.

You know why? I love myself enough to do that. I love myself to say enough. I love myself to say, no longer. I love myself to say this is not acceptable. I love myself to say I am done with the way you speak to me, the way you look at me. I love myself enough to say, your view of me does not fit with me, with the true story of myself. It does not align with who I am, what I know of myself.

These words come from a place of fullness, from a place of being whole, complete. From this place, I see with immense clarity that I do not need, I no longer seek external validation to be me. I do not need to be understood. I do not need to be liked. I do not need to be right. I do not need to feel wrong or bad or ashamed. I do not need. I no longer need. I no longer seek. For what I know to be true is self verifiable. What I know is independent of the external.

In high school I was introduced to Bob Marley. This lyric continues to resonate with me until this day, “emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind.”

I have a new perspective on this. It is up to me. I am the one who has to take responsibility for my mind, for how I perceive, for how I receive.  No one else is responsible except me. For my life is based on my own experience, my life does not exist outside of me. If I was not here, I would not have a life. So, it is me, I am the one who has to take responsibility, radical responsibility and action in shifting my mind, shifting the way I have seen, the way I have been taught, the way I have operated.  It is all about me. Not in a selfish way, no, it is not that. Rather, there is no one outside of me who determines how I perceive, so it is up to me to choose, to make a decision. What someone says to me, is not about me, it is about them. It is how they see themselves, how they see the world. What is said is neutral, it sits in a space until I receive it and how I receive it is based on the state I am in, which is reliant on how I have been, the stories I have told myself.  And I am here now, saying I am no longer taking on stuff that is not mine. No longer welcoming in shit that is not mine to take on.  I am keeping what I have and you can keep what you have, for I do not need what is yours. Everything I need is right here within me.

I choose to liberate myself from the binds and constraints that I have placed on myself. The limited, narrow views that I have reduced myself to in order to fit in and be accepted.  I am taking the step to free myself, to emancipate my mind from the limiting stories that I have taken on, the stories that others tell of me that are not true, that are not aligned with me.

I choose to step forward being me.

For really, there is nothing less than I can do.

Fearlessly being me,

Sara

As I type these final words the lyrics “It is a new dawn, it is a new day and I am feeling good” emanate from the kitchen where my mom is preparing dinner. I cannot make this up!

With Time We Arrive

I have found that it is not about getting somewhere.

With time, you arrive.

For time is a marker of growth.

In time we arrive there.

When we are meant to be there, we will arrive. The moment will arrive. And it is more beautiful that I could have imagined.

Being with all that is here now.

Fully present.

For we do not know the gifts that are being offered.

Grateful for all that is arising, for me to see., for me to feel, for me to surrender, for me to accept, for me to be.

Being here now,

Sara

Resistance and Receptivity

Today, this morning in practice, this came to me: resistance and receptivity are actually the same.  We get in our own way; we get in our own ways and we resist. We resist being open, we resist being receptive. So receptivity and resistance are of the same. They are connected, one is not without the other.

It is like a rope that is being pulled in two directions. Like a scale.  When we resist we are not open. When we are open there is no resistance.

Do you see the beauty in this? We are so conditioned to see everything as separate, as separate expressions, as individual pieces and parts.  Here, now, I am seeing that they are the same. They are of the same expression, of the same part. They are connected.

I’m smiling as I realize Ganesha is smiling with me. Ganesha, the one who is the remover of obstacles through wisdom. The one who removes the obstacles, the obstacles that we often place on ourselves. The obstacles that limit us, the obstacles that are the narrow view of ourselves. The obstacles that bind.

Ganesha is also expansion. Ganesha is also generosity. Expanding beyond our limited view. Expanding beyond the known. Expanding beyond the stories we have placed on ourselves. Expanding beyond the self-doubt. Expanding beyond the violence of our minds. Generosity that is always here. This grace that is always here, giving, sharing, offering.

This is profound. Ganesha, remover of the obstacles to access the expansion. Ganesha, generosity. Ganesha the one who gives, so gently, with such grace.

Resistance is fear. Resistance is rigidity. Resistance is holding on to the ever repeating known.

Receptivity is open. Receptivity is trust. Receptivity is surrender.

What are we fighting? What are we resisting? What are we clinging to? What are we holding on to? What are we afraid of? What is holding us back?

When are you open? When do you receive? How do you trust?

We need something to end when we are trapped. What if instead of feeling trapped and restrained, we surrender and accept? Rather than resist we receive.

Whatever that arises is arising for you. Allow it to arise. Acknowledge it. Let it pass on through.

Drop all that is no longer serving you. Let it all go.

Inviting you to expand. To step into the unknown. To surrender. To trust. To receive.

Loving you always. In all ways,

Sara

Acknowledging the Space Between

Last week, Jeanette and I had a discussion about dots that sprang up from a quote by Steve Jobs.  I posted it here on the site.

As most things are with me and life, I have been reflecting on what I wrote. The relevance of the dots, the connections, the meaning.

I have arrived to a place of space. Honoring the space. Acknowledging the space.

We need space. We have space between words to make meaning. Letters are together to form words and words come together with spaces in between to create sentences.

Iftherewerenospace,thewordswouldbejumbledtogetherandwhileweareabletoreadwhensentencesarewrittenlikethis,the spaceprovidestheopportunitytomakemeaning.

If there were no space, the words would be jumbled together and while we are able to read when sentences are written like this, the space provides the opportunity to make meaning.

The space in between provides meaning.

Space is essential. We need space.

We create space to make meaning.

We also need space to connect. We often feel space is a separator.

Maybe that is what our next discussion will be around. Space as a connector, rather than a separator.

Cultivating space. Giving myself permission to have space.

Meeting you here,

Sara

Dots

When Jeanette and I get together, we get Comic Consciousness, as Jeanette has shared, “sometimes the ‘s’ just slips.” We are two unique expressions living life fully and often laughing along the way. We have many conversations, some which we have shared with each of you on Instagram Live. We feel called to share pieces of our exchanges with you. This is the first, in this form. May these words be an offering, may they land in the fertile ground of your being, may they serve and uplift.

An intimate Volition conversation from a deeper place within our hearts, all in the one and one in ALL. Together we hold space and heal. 

An invitation, before you continue to read on, we invite you to gather a piece of paper and tool,  create eight dots and connect them.  

-----------------   -----    - - - 

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path; and that will make all the difference.”  Steve Jobs

Question: What arises when you hear this quote?

Jeanette: If we follow life’s dots in an explicit order it is easy to be swayed by the winds of the disconnected mind + external chaos. Can you see the patterned dots of your life?

Sara: Yes! Those Dots. Marks. Markers. Spots. Points. Indicators.  

Alone they seem random, appearing as dots and marks. With reflection, with time, when we look back at the events that provide the dots, the points, we begin to connect the dots. We begin to make connections. We make these connections within contexts as they become known.  We connect these dots once something is known, once something is revealed and then, with this knowing, we look back and see that these events, as evidenced by these markers, these points, were all happening for a reason.  At the time we may have not known why everything was happening, it is only with time that the reasons, the alignment, the connections between the dots becomes known. 

Jeanette: Yes, one seemingly random dotted event. Connecting backwards, not forward. I often get so caught up in the “what's next” of doing or the cycles of “over thinking.” I spent many years feeling that these dotted life events happened to + against me. Running and making myself so busy, avoiding + numbing the pain. One cannot change themselves unless they face themselves, a deeper dive into the dot. Standing still upon my dot, I was able to rise + observe that this thought was from a place of fear. And although I felt stuck, once faced I could move. Through practice I realized that life is for and through me. I found stillness and forgiveness. Only in the pain did I find the Volition +courage to learn to be still, face the fear and stand in the darkness not running from the many dots. 

Question: If you were to draw your dot pattern, how would it look?  

Sara: There is space now between these dots, the space which provides the opportunity to see the dots as individual indications, as separate marks.  So, we often connect these dots with lines, looking only in a linear fashion. We all know of the connect-the-dot worksheets in which we begin with one and follow a sequential order to indicate, to reveal an image or picture. What if we did not go in order? What if we chose to make squiggly lines or loops between the dots?  What if we choose to not follow the linear sequence of numbers and begin connecting dots in our own way?  What would we see? What would be revealed?

For me? My dots? They are scattered. Not a random scatter though, blown by the wind and it is only from here that I am able to be, I do not think about the next dot, where I will be next or what will happen next. For those are constructs of the mind and the mind is what I am learning to override, I am learning to live from my heart. Trusting and surrendering that all is as it is meant to be. And I can say that with confidence, we have a deep sense of knowing as I look back to my life, to events of my life that felt huge, that felt scary, events that forced me to look within, to see myself, to face myself and HERE I AM. It all works out; it is designed to. My life has not been linear. I attempted to force it to be that way and when I surrender and trust there are big splats (some of which you have witnessed) and there are times when I fly from one dot to the next or drag my feet or hop or twirl or swirl or dive.

Jeanette: Definitely not linear. Nature is not intended to follow a linear script. Rather, life is designed to be lived fully. We are invited to be active participants in life, to co-create with life.

Yes, Lived, authentically + fully.

Question: It is interesting that this quote speaks only about connecting to dots of the past and not of the future, what do you think this means?

Sara: There is an invitation in every moment and at each dot, to show up and be ourselves. Show up and trust that there is a path for us, that we, ourselves are our own path. Our choices now in the moment leaves a trace, our actions make an impact, they leave a mark. While we do not know what is being created, while we do not know what will be revealed, we KNOW it will be far greater than anything we have ever seen or anything that we could have imagined, because that is already known.  And the invitation of life is to embrace and go to the unknown.

Jeanette: Yes. Agree with this as an invitation to explore. To discover and remember our value + to live each dot fully. For those that read this, know that if your “dot” path doesn’t make sense, or if there is currently madness or torment, confusion or if you are tired. You are not alone, We too hid, ran, tripped and smashed our dots + for so long stood in dot darkness. Know that you have the power to stand, lead and rise. That the learned lessons of the past can + will fuel you. What dots are you creating through your actions in this very moment? Only the dots of the past link but we are not bound.

May your life be an expression of love rather than a pursuit of dots. The music is playing, the dots are forming so dancing. You have the power to shift the dot patterns-are you willing?

Yogis Fully living this dot,

Sara + Jeanette 

Volition Studios

https://volitionstudios.se/ 

Post Script from Sara….

The morning after this exchange, dots arrived to me in my morning meditation. I was shown that the dots, once you zoom in become blurred, the lines between the dots become blurred. When you zoom out, which is a reference point you offer to me often, from this aerial perspective the dots revealed me, the image of me.

Getting Out of My Own Way

Here it is. Question 8, in the series of questions from my aunt that I began responding to back in January. This is the last question…

What do your answers tell you about planning for 2021?

Life itself, my experiences with life, living life continue to teach me to trust. Rather than plan, trust. Trust that all will arrive to me, for me, if it is meant to be. And that which is not necessary will drop away.

I have always had a thing with planning and expectations. When I expect, I have ideas in my mind about how things should be, how things should go and it never turns out the way I have it in my mind. Never. I have been so stuck to the image in my mind, the way it should be, I am so rigid in ensuring everything goes at it is ‘supposed to’ I was never present. I was so involved in my mind, that I was not present for what was happening around me. I was not experiencing life. I was either in the future, planning, devising, crafting how everything would be or I was in the past, thinking about how it did not go the way I wanted, intended, planned for it to be.

You know what I have found when I do not plan? Life is usually far better than I could have ever imagined. Yes, this is true, even when the thing or things that are happening do not feel good and provide pain and discomfort.

Everything always works out. It is designed to work out.  I know this. I have experienced this. I am currently experiencing this.  And in knowing this, I need to take action to get out of my own way. I have to stop my desire to control, to plan. Which is really all in service of knowing and controlling so I do not have to encounter the unknown. I am doing this by being aware, aware of when I want to step in. Noticing when something doesn’t feel right. These are the invitations that show up for me to see that I am seeking control rather than trusting and allowing. I know the known, I do not know the unknown. Why do I want to have more of the same? Why would I want to continue to ever repeating known?

I continue to step forward into the unknown and allow it to meet me.

Trust and allow.

Allow and trust.

Get out of my own way.

Listen in.

Pay attention to the signs and messages.

Listen in.

Get out of my own way.

Allow and trust.

Trust and allow.

I continue to step forward into the unknown and allow it to meet me.

In JOY with it all,

Sara

Discipline and Devotion

Yes, discipline and devotion. This is the invitation that is being offered to me now.

Discipline- to show up, to remain committed for myself, for oneself.

Devotion- the service aspect, serving, being of service.

Not doing to do, to check or tik a box or say you do, to say “I do.”

It’s the inner feeling, the connection, the deeper relationship within, rather than the external.

It’s like the knowing. Knowing. It is known. I do not have to pronounce the knowing, get others to be on board, to see. No. That is not it. Everyone is on their own path and they have choices. For me, I know. I speak, I share, I stand here in this knowing. Knowing. Stepping with a knowing. The knowing that is expressing itself through me right now and the knowing that will shift as I step while simultaneously remain the same. The knowing that is always here. The knowing that has always been here. The knowing that I now know, that I now access.

This knowing. It is available to each of us, for all of us through discipline and devotion.

For me it is not the way, the only way, for many people access this knowing through their own way, their own path of discovery.

Discipline, the commitment for me to move beyond, to meet myself before my mind.

The poem, A Great Wagon by Rumi has this quote:

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

The field, it is not a location one can access physically, like a grassy field with flowers and such. Rather it is a space, a space we can each access within ourselves, a space in which opinions, right, wrong, my way, what I have done, who I know are irrelevant; they are not important. This space is beyond, this space is before all of this.

It is this knowing. This is the knowing.

Trust. I surrender to this. This which I know, this which has always been here, this which continues to support, bolster and provide for me. All is taken care of. It always is. It always has been. All is taken care of. There is no lack, there is no need. I have more than enough. We all do. We have more than enough. All that is needed, is offered.

This phrase, discipline and devotion, how they merge, how they continue to show up for me, the phrase, these two words together are an invitation.

An invitation to dance. The dance of this discipline and devotion.

Dance. This dance. This grace and movement that expresses itself between discipline and devotion.

It is not all or another. The balance, the movement, the fluid expression. The steps. The invitation to co-create the moment, to be present. To be responsive.

What is required of you in this very moment?  What is the spontaneous right action that is being ask of you in this very moment?

Here.

Now.

How the here and now is viewed, in the stance in which one views, the lens shifts. The lens shifts it all, shifts the perspective of how you look when you look from here and now.

For that is what is here, now. Always, here and now.

Everything else is a thought. Is an idea. Is a projection. Not tangible. It exists only as a thought on the level of the mind.

Here and Now, is here and now. The present.

Maintain this present state.

Drop all of the stories, the narrative, the perceived ideas, thoughts and notions. Lay them all down.

All that is arising for you, is for you. It is part of your work.

The work required. The work that is necessary for you to engage with to evolve, to grow beyond.

All that is arising for you is an invitation for you to grow.

It is beautiful. Simply beautiful.

All is designed to work out. All of it. It always does. Maybe not that way you thought or projected, but here you are. It all works out.

The huge challenges, that which feels like life is ending, the life you know, the life you have come to know, the life that has become known, yes, aspects of this come to an end. The endings create space for newness, for growth to emerge.

This is life. This is life. This is life.

Create. Sustain. Destroy.

Generate. Organize. End.

These are the patterns of life. The cycles of life. The cycles within life. There are discontinuous events. There are beginnings.

We talk about this with animals and plants. With seasons. Why do we not talk about these cycles in regards to us, to our own lives.

What happens in our life?

There are ends. There are beginnings.

There are ends. It is naïve to think it all remains the same.

Discipline and devotion.

Trust. The unknown is far greater than anything we could ever imagine. Get out of your own way. Surrender. Trust.

“Dance with me. I want to be your partner, can’t you see…”

Co-creating and dancing with life and inviting you to do the same,

Sara

Coming to Center

I am noticing a desire to be quiet, in silence while simultaneously feeling the need to record what is in my mind. To share, to leave a trace.

I am currently immersed in Jytoish. Expanding in all directions inward and outward. I receive this knowledge, this wisdom, the teachings from my teacher Anand Ji with great reverence. I sit here in awe as I often am with the vastness and precision of this knowledge while simultaneously humbled.

The gaze, the view upon which one looks. How do we show up?  What preconceived notions do we hold? What are the stories that we tell ourselves, about ourselves, about others? Are we open? 

I notice my stories coming up, the ones that say my voice is not valid, not relevant, that I do not have anything to share or add. That my perspective is not important, it does not hold value.

I noticed this when I was asked to do a reading, my first reading. I was paired with A. A. has had readings done in the past, I have heard her speak to this. So as soon as I heard my name paired with hers, the stories of inadequateness came pouring in. As they do most often, when these stories flood my mind, I cannot see clearly. I am aware of this now, in my journey of understanding myself, noticing my own trends and patterns. I have caught on to this, this flooding of self doubt that clouds my view.  I also see it as a cloak, a cover that is placed over me, this covering that distorts my view, what I am able to see.

Within the awareness of these stories, I was able to reframe the moment and see an opportunity. To see the inherent opportunity embedded within, the opportunity for me to speak up, use my voice, to share my unique perspective, to read her chart through my gaze. 

Moments arrive. Time passes. The opportunity to read was upon me. I prepared the space with a candle and freshly cut daffodils from the garden. I set an intention to share freely, to trust what would flow through me.  I pressed the join button on Zoom and we were together. Here, now, together in the space, I lead us with an invocation, aligning ourselves and coming to center with our breath. Opening our eyes and coming into the space I paused to locate the words to segue to the chart. I shared, something similar to “Let’s bring in the relationship of Surya and Simha.”  A. paused, asking me “Are you sure?” 

Here it was, the moment in which I would be able to transcend the self doubt, to rise above the stories that I have told myself, that have been ingrained in me. “Yes, I am sure.” “Are you sure?” she asked again. This time I responded with, “You are asking me now twice, maybe I am not sure.”  “I am a Capricorn Lagna,” she shared. Continuing she added, “Leo is my sun sign. It appears Simha wants to speak, please continue, please share from here.”

Doubt was there. I saw it. I felt its presence. It made itself known to me.

Grace was also there. I saw it. I felt its presence. It made itself known to me.

I had a choice. The moment presented a choice.  I had an opportunity to choose which way to go.

I leaned in the direction of grace and love, allowing myself to align with my truth, gaining momentum with the balance of coming to center while being held in the loving presence and grace expressed by A. All of this enveloped me, I felt wrapped and held rather than cloaked and confused. I continued. I read. I shared what was meant to be shared in the moment, what was intended to be expressed. I know that grace and love are always here, in all ways. How they show up, how grace and love present themselves varies.

For each expression is as it is meant to be. There is value in each and every moment, inherent in each moment is an opportunity to grow, to see, to know. Each moment is relevant. Each moment is relevant for each of us in its own way. We meet each moment in the way it is intended to meet us.  We know this, we know we can share moments and within the sharing of the same moment there are various aspects of that shared moment that are of importance to us individually.  There is diversity here in the moment, the shared moment expresses differently for each of us who is experiencing the shared moment.

In this moment, Grace and Love showed up in a comical way. Grace and Love presented themselves in the form of playfulness, inviting me to see that there is joy in this. There is Joy in life, in everything. I do not have to take myself so seriously. I can make mistakes and forgive myself. I can accept what is happening as happening for me, rather than happening to me.

So, you see, my first chart reading, my first opportunity to read a chart was met in grace and love with laughter and humor. With humility and forgiveness. With strength and trust.

My first chart reading did not go how I envisioned it or planned it to be. Or did it?

My first chart reading came and met me, the moments unfolded and met me. I met the future. A.’s knowledge of her Lagna from previous chart readings gave me the opportunity to forgive myself, to respond in the moment, to choose trust over doubt, to return to center rather than remain unbalanced.

I showed up. I acknowledged the fear. I recognized the doubt. I shifted my gaze. I moved towards the love and grace that is always here.

Laughing and chuckling with the ways in which opportunities in life present themselves to me.

In Joy. With Joy. So within as without.

Sara

Transformation

There is a piece in the recent New York Times titled Transformation, that I read. There are aspects of it that speak to me through the written word-that which is said and that which is left unsaid. The piece addresses this time as a time of transformation, as a time where change has shifted us, altered something within.

Reading this piece on the day that I chose to carve out time to answer the questions my aunt offered from the survey I began in January, has me pondering what this time has offered me, what this time is still offering me and how I reflect on this time. This time meaning COVID-19, the pandemic, this time for us as a collective as well at this time for me as an individual, the year in which I have lived with and am supported by my family.

I have left traces of my thinking, my process, my life throughout the year here. I have many traces of my year in my journals. I chose the word traces, to indicate marks, markers, evidence of my growth, my evolution, my shift. Marks and traces feel important for some reason, since transformations for many, can be internal, unseen to and unnoticeable by many. As I type this, I glance to the flowers in the garden, that are here now, but were once unseen, working, growing, underground and then here they are. Simultaneously showing me at the same time, transformations can be seen, they are observable, they are noticed.

Maybe it is about who is doing the seeing. What is being seen? What is being observed? Are we only looking on the external, on the outside to see what has changed, or really to see if there has been change?  How does one notice change?  How does one observe change?

Change is happening all of the time. In time, things change. The passage of time is change. Time passes and we cannot get it back. Rather we access the memory of it, or as I have been doing, leaving traces. Marks, markers of time that I can trace back, go back to and observe, read, revisit, remember. Why do I do this? I write and record to literally leave marks in time, like time stamps of where I was, what I was doing, what I was thinking at the time. Evidence, proof, verifiable evidence to show that I have grown, that I am changing, that I am evolving.

Why does this matter?  Maybe it is it to show that change is possible.  That if you are willing, anything is possible. While some change is noticeable from the outside, other change is happening on the inside.  It is the change that is on the inside that I am interested in. I am curious about the evolution of our being. Not the markers of success of something someone has done, achieved or gained. Not the markers of success that is external, based on some set of rules and competitive markers. No, it is not this that I am interested in. Rather I am interested in how we are becoming more ourselves by being. By being with ourselves. By being human beings rather than human doings.

We are conditioned to do. Do this. Say this. Don’t do this. Don’t say that. There are rules upon rules of how we are supposed to be, what we are meant to do. What we are supposed to achieve, what we are supposed to become. These rules, spoken and unspoken, modeled and shown carry deep implications on how we view the world.

There has to be something beyond this. There has to be something more than these markers of success of having, gaining, arriving, achieving. I have, for a long while, be interested in learning more about myself. There has always been a pull to dive deep within, to understand myself, to make sense of life. I explore this by being curious. By reconnecting to the voice within, my inner voice, the inner knowings. By being comfortable with myself. By sitting in silence and being with myself. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to go. No thing to do. Nothing. Simply be. Notice.

Noticing the thoughts that are arising. Noticing the stories that I tell myself. Noticing the perceived perceptions that I make. Noticing the lenses through which I view. Noticing when something within me grabs a on to a thought and holds me there. Noticing the stillness. Noticing the silence, the absence of thought and story, the absence of narrative and control.

You know what I notice? That there is a voice that is not me, yet it is me. It is a voice that tells me these things based on previous experiences, that tells stories to maintain a certain view, that tells me how to perceive, how to make sense, how to respond.

It is in these noticings, this awareness, the witnessing of how I perceive, how I make meaning, how I interpret, that I record, that I write down to leave traces. From these traces, I see the transformation. I see the evolution. I see the change.

Slowly, slowly.

Onward and Upward.

One moment at a time.

Smiling with gratitude that I have the choice,

Sara

Always Supported in All Ways

This piece is written in response to a question that my Aunt sent to me. This question is number seven in a series of which I learned is eight instead of nine. I received this question as an invitation to reflect, I invite you to do the same. I share it here with you now.

Which three people had the greatest positive impact on your life in 2020, and when do you plan to tell them?

I noticed a resistance when I first read this question. The resistance with the words three people. Three people. How can I narrow a positive impact to three people? The resistance remained and now months later I am creating the space to sit, to reflect, to write, to share. I am able to sit and record my words here because I have given myself permission to move beyond the three people and expand it to three groups. I say give myself permission, because despite the many actions I have taken in my life, I feel a sense of obligation to rules and following the rules.  So here, in this space I am expanding the parameters, expanding the rules, widening the impact to groups of people rather than individuals themselves.

My Family

My family is the first “group.” My family has taken me in, and this welcoming, this held space of support has had a profound impact on my life. Life has a way of going along. There is a continuity to life, even when it feels like there are many discontinuous events, events that change, events that disrupt, event that shift the flow.  Looking back, I have been immersed with change (is it with change or in change), I have been immersed with change for a few years now.

Before the COVID-19 Pandemic began to make it deep and wide impact in the US, I was living in India. My family and I had a Whats App group and we kept in communication with one another in that way.  When NYC and Philadelphia ‘shut down’ in mid-March 2020, my sisters asked me to come home. To come home. To come home.

It is home where I have been since arriving here in the US.  Home has been in each of the houses of that my family lives in. For months I was living with my sister, brother-in-law and nieces during the week and my folks on the weekends. I also spent time with my sister and my sister-in-law in their home in Philadelphia.

For me, change has been with me. I have been immersed in change for a long while. The one thing that remains consistent throughout it all, is my ability to be at home with myself, my ability to be with myself, to sit with myself, to be with myself through it all, irrespective of the physical location I am in.

My Sangha

Sangha can be described here as the company that you keep. Those whom you hold near and close to you, those who support you, those who see you, who know you, who accept you. Those who are able to sit with you and be with you, hold you when you need to be held, lift you up when you need to be lifted, dance with you while you are dancing, laugh out loud with you, while simultaneously reiterating that this too shall pass, that this too is temporary. This and all moments are here for us to evolve, to move beyond, to step forward.

My sangha, the community that supports me continues to have a positive impact on my life. They, as a collective and as individuals influence my life in ways that I am able to acknowledge and witness now and I know that they are also influencing my life in ways that I will witness in the future.

My Self

Yes. You read this right. Me. I, myself have had a positive impact on my own life. How? You might ask, how can this be? Why? You might ask, why is this? 

I show up for myself every day. I am here with myself every day. I am here for myself every day. As I deepen my relationship with my Self, as I expand my awareness of my Self, my patterns, my stories, my tendencies. As I witness and observe these aspects of myself, I continue to gain deeper and deeper insight; I arrive at moments with clarity instead of confusion. I am able to witness events that which are happening around me, events that are unfolding and happening for me with distance, from a seat of separation, rather than being entangled and enmeshed within them. I know that events are neutral and I am aware that it is me, that I, myself bring the emotion, the feeling, the narrative, the reactions, the response in to the moment, in to the event. Not the other way around.

This is possible through my practice; through the commitment I have made and keep to myself. To show up on my mat, to show up on my cushion, to face myself, to be with myself, to turn toward myself rather than run away, hide or numb.

All of this requires volition, requires courage, requires will and steadfastness.

You know what else it requires, support. The KNOWINGNESS that we are supported and held all of the time, in all ways, always. Which brings me full circle to my family and sangha, the relationships in which I was born into and those which I have chosen, both of which I tend to and cultivate.  As relationships are at the foundation of all that we do, we cannot do it alone, we are a species that is reliant on others, outside of ourselves to be sustained, to be nourished.

That is the call of these times, to realize, to acknowledge, to be fully aware that we need each other, we need one another, that the systems that are in place are sustained through relationships, through connections. We cannot do this alone.

I know, I have tried. I have tried to do it all. To be all that I thought I needed to be. Do all that I thought I needed to do, everything I felt I should do, was obligated to do. It is exhausting. It is tiring. And you know what, it is lonely. It is lonely when you feel you go in it alone, when you feel you are all alone and no one gets you, no one understands you. I have actually said those words when folks have tried to support me, “you just don’t get it.” “You do not understand.” It is not to get; it is not for someone else to understand. No one will be able to truly grasp what another has gone through, is going through. One can sit and be with another. They can hold space and listen.

Life is not out to get us. Life is not a villain. We are not victims of life. Those are stories that we have been told, stories that we have acquired and taken on.  From these narratives we begin to see the world, we experience the world around us from that viewpoint, from that stance. We feel we cannot share, that we need to keep secrets, that asking for help is a sign of weakness. All of these are stories, stories that are made up so we feel alone, so we feel apart.

We are a part. We are a part of an intricate web of life. A web that is sustained, a web that relies on one another, on each other. We are never alone; we are never apart. We are always held; we are always supported. In the words of my teacher Anand Ji,

Know this and rest as such.

It is an honor to be supported by my family, friends and myself. I share my gratitude with them regularly and know I can share more, for there is never enough sharing and being full with gratitude. In the giving there is receiving. It is cyclical. They build upon one another.

To every being who has offered their grace by showing up and influencing my life, I thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  Your interaction, your actions, your words, your presence has led me here to this very moment.

Bowing my head to you,

Sara

Go For It!

I recorded and posted “Go For It” on March 30, 2021. I wrote this, upon reflection the following day.

I wrote “Go For It” as a title yesterday, as those were the words that flowed through me as I spoke and recorded my observation of the event that happened on my bike. Today, upon reflection, I notice that I did not necessarily “Go for it.” Going for it, to me is more of a conscious choice and active choice. Yesterday I put myself in the space and allowed an opportunity for flow to arise, I chose to get on my bike. I chose to practice riding with no hands.  At first there was thought, “wait until after this bump,” “okay do it now,” “now is the time to lift your hands.”

I surprised myself. My hands lifted. It just happened. Meaning lifting my hands was not a conscious choice. I did not in my mind say, “Now, lift your hands from the handlebar. Lift your hands from the handlebar now.” No, that is not what happened. My hands lifted. I was pedaling. That was happening and then I was aware that they were not on the handlebars and I surprised myself. There was no thought. The action happened; the action arose from no thought. There was no thought. Thought was not there. I met myself, I met my action with thought only after it happened. My thoughts caught up with the action.

Create the space, the environment to drop in.

Flow will happen.

No hesitation, for hesitation arises with thought.

Trust your intuition, give it permission to flow.

With love,
Sara

Noticing the Anticipation

I love long, warm, hot showers. The kind when the whole room is filled with the warm steam rising above the shower curtain and/or door. I have a routine when it comes to taking a shower; I have a familiar known pattern that starts as I turn the water on to warm the water up.

A few days ago I took a cold shower. This idea of taking a cold shower arose as a part of a larger a conversation with Jeanette No Hesitation. Let’s do it, we said. The next shower we take, let it be a cold shower.

Everything about my familiar known pattern of taking a shower shifted. 

It shifted with the anticipation, anticipation of what it would, my perception of what is would feel like as I stepped in to the cold shower.  I did not warm the water. I simply turned in on and stepped in. When I say stepped in I mean, I stepped into the corner of the shower and backed myself as far away from the shower spray as I could. I put my hand in to check the temperature, as to confirm that it was really cold. As I stood there, I noticed the anticipation rising. I was going to do it. I was going to step into the cold shower, I had made that commitment, what I needed to do was act. I needed to take the action and step in.

In I went. The cold took my breath away. Maybe you have experienced this before, the gasping for air as your body becomes aware of the cold water. I was in. I titled my head back to allow the water to fall on the crown of my head and noticed how I arched my spine to not have the cold water run down my back. Then I softened.  The water rushing over my head and on my skin became that, water rushing over my head and skin. It became neutral. Not cold water. Not hot water. I was water. I became water rushing over me.

I know myself well enough to know that sometimes I find a way out of commitments that I make to myself. So on this particular night I sat around the fire and intentionally got the fire smell and smoke in my hair. I enjoy this smell and am fine with going to sleep after being around a fire, I smile recalling the many fires I have sat around before crawling into a tent. This time, I was not crawling into a tent to sleep, I would be getting into my bed with fresh clean sheets. When I get into bed with fresh sheets, I like to be clean. Are you following me here, I intentionally set this up so I would have to take a shower and wash my hair.

The anticipation of the shower was the hardest part. I knew what I was going to be stepping into. It became normal. It become what it was, taking a shower in cold water.

This a message my niece wrote for me. I placed it on top of the light switch and noticed it as I stepped out of the shower. I find these words resonate now and in moments when I notice anticipation and resistance rising.

Again, I took a cold shower. This time I noticed my anticipation going in, as I knew what I was getting into from my previous experience of stepping into cold water. Since I was aware of my resistance, I also moved to a place of gratitude. Gratitude and gratefulness for the water that flows, the ability to be able to feel the water on my body, to be able to be cleansed and washed and to wrap myself in a towel and put clothes on after.

I was and am, most interested in the resistance that was there as I knew what I was stepping into and then within that moving to a place of gratitude.

All of this within however many minutes I was in the shower.

Beautiful.

In the flowing state of water,

Sara