Balance Requires Movement

I got back on my bike, my cruiser that is. I call her the 2 6er and I took her out for a ride.  Pedaling, gliding, coasting. Feeling the wind upon my face and in my hair. I rode and rode and rode.

Over the years I have been fascinated with folks who are able to ride with no hands. I watch them. They appear at ease, sitting up tall, shoulders back, pedaling and enjoying.  I have attempted this, I have attempted to be that person, the one who sits back without their hands on the handlebars and rides free. As I pedaled I thought, now is the time, Sara. Now is the time. Do it. Lift your hands and pedal; ride free.

Then the thoughts came in. Since I am in the practice of noticing my thoughts, I am aware of their power. I stopped them by lifting up my hands. I took action and lifted my hands from the handle bar. It was short, a short lift before I put them back down. I did it. I took the action. I am aware of what could have happened had I listened to the story my mind wanted to make up, all of the what ifs that it generates. I moved beyond them and took action.

This was an experience in itself. The noticing. The anticipation. The awareness of the process. I continued, lifting my hands from the bar. I continued to let go.

Let go, lean, pedal, trust.

Let go, trust, pedal, notice, pedal, lean, course correct.

Upon reflection, what is the sequence I took? First I let go. Or maybe first came the trust, trust to let go. Then came the noticing, becoming aware of my body on the bike, my body in relation to the space on the bike, my body in relation to the movement on the bike, which lead to the subtle shifts to the left and right as I leaned to course correct while simultaneously resisting the urge to put my hands down.

There is a process here, there is a sequence to the actions I took to stay with my hands up, to remain in that place without the grip. To remain in the place in which I was exploring a new way of being, a new way of acting, a new way of interacting with space and time.

When I pedaled for what felt like a lot of pedals with no hands, a softening arose within me. Ease. I was at ease pedaling with no hands.

There is movement in the balance. To be with balance we must keep moving. To be in balance we must keep growing. Balance requires movement.

Moving and balancing one pedal at a time,

Sara

Gifts Arise in Simple Moments

Some time has past since I have written here.

Thoughts and awareness rises up within me and am feeling called to write, to record, to put into words that which is happening within.

As I carry on in life, moments and activities that can appear seemingly small, unnoticeable things are standing out and communicating with me.

My bike has sat with a flat tire since I moved it. I walk past it daily. As the warmer weather came and the vast blue sky accompanied it, I saw my bike as an invitation to get on it.  That is the thing with bikes. You get on, even having not been on in some time (in may case over a year and a half) and you know what to do. You do not have to think about balancing and pedaling, you simply go. So I went and it felt great. I even played a bit with taking my hands off of the handle bars (more on that in a separate piece). While riding my bike I glanced down and noticed lush green grass near the water that rushed through it.  This was not a creek, stream or brook, it was the path the snowmelt took as it joined a creek. There, where the water flowed, the grass was a vibrant green, there was a quality of lushness there. This got me thinking about flow. For where there is flow, there is vibrancy, aliveness, dynamism. When something is flowing it is moving, not static, not stagnant (even though from my experience there is movement in what appears to be static water, that which looks as if it is not moving). This movement brings vitality, nourishment, a quality of aliveness. We know this as the breath, the natural life force that flows within us. There is flow in other aspects as well, the natural movement, natural flow.  This natural flow can be the breath, the water the flows to the oceans and also the continuity of thoughts.

Are you aware of the thoughts that hold you or that you hold on to?  Is there an awareness to the thoughts that grip you, that evoke something within you?  I have begun to notice these thoughts that light me up, thoughts that awaken something within me, thoughts that hold my attention, thoughts that disrupt the flow of life. Thoughts, they are the product of the mind; they have a tendency to consume, derail, confuse, take me away from the present moment.  Why are you here?, I ask.   What are you showing me?  What invitation are you offering me for me to see?

Spring has a natural tendency to awaken from the dormancy of winter, this is part of natures natural rhythm. For many this is a time to clean, clear, cleanse and wash away.  This morning while working in the yard with my mom, we cut back and cleared away tall, ornamental grasses. I have watched these grasses grow from this stage last year. I have watched them weather rain, wind and snow. I have seen them get blown over and then stand back up. I have seen them get weighted down by the damp, heavy snow and bounce back to an upright position once they dry.  Today while next to them at the ground level I was able to witness their strength, their firm grip in the ground and the stable base they have as a foundation.  We cut and cut and cut, each time more of their foundation was exposed, their solid base was revealed. We saw many of the grasses began to grow in a spiral motion, creating an open center in the middle, a place that looked void of growth while simultaneously appeared as a womb, a safe place that could be home to a small mammal or shelter to one in need of a place to hide. We found nests and leaves. We noticed some areas were moist, while others were dry.

As we cut, a metaphor arose in my mind. We grow, we emerge from a center, a dark center, a womb. We lay our foundation, we grow roots to form our solid base and we grow, we expand, we rise up.  Moments arrive for us to look at our growth, to notice what resides, to see what we have collected, to cut back, to discard and clean out what no longer serves. Moments arrive for us to reconnect with our foundation and to nourish the root of who we are.

Observing, cutting, clearing and in joy with it all,

Sara

The Courage to Let it All Go

This is my response to question six in the series of questions from my aunt.

What are some things that you are doing out of obligation that you no longer want to do?

I chuckled when I first read “obligation” in this question because the timing of this question is perfect, as all things are with me in my life.

Without getting into the specific details there are events of my life transpiring at this moment that invite me to reflect on the word “obligation” and its meaning. A few weeks ago I was typing and the word obligated arose.  I was surprised by its arrival and wanted to know what it really meant, in regards to a definition. This is what I found. An act or course of action in which a person is or morally bound, a duty or a commitment.

Whoa! Yes, let’s sit with that for a moment. An act or course of action in which a person is or morally bound.

There it is, the two words that strike me at my core.

Morally

Bound

To move forward I feel called to write about my understanding, my interpretations of these two words.

Morals - that which drives us, the decisions that are behind my actions and choices.

Bound – to be held, adhere, stuck, tied, restricted, confined

For me, there are layers, there are pieces and parts that are hidden, that are under, that are beyond, that are before, that surround words and their meanings.

Which brings me back to the question, what are some things you are doing out of obligation? We all have choices, we all have the ability to make choices even when we feel limited, stuck and restricted. We all have a choice on how we perceive, how we want to be, how we want to interpret events and interactions in life. Yes, we all have choices. Here, now in this moment, the words that resonate with me within the question are “you are doing.”  These words stand out because I focus more on being than doing which in itself is a larger theme to ponder leading me to, “if I am doing, who I am doing for?”

I ask myself, “What is behind this, what is at the core of this obligation? What is at the core of feeling obligated?” The questions continue, “Who do I feel obligated to?” “Why is it that I feel obligated?” “What do I feel obligated to?”

When I sit with these questions, when I really sit with them, each answer comes back to this:

I feel obligated to uphold, to maintain a vision, a view, a perception that others have of me.

I feel obligated to remain quiet, to remain hidden, to be silent, to shield and hide parts of pieces of myself out of fear of disrupting what has been, what is known, what is familiar.

When I arrive here, I ask myself, “What will happen if, what will happen when you speak up and stand up, when you put yourself first?”

For me, doing something out of obligation is doing for others. Feeling obligated to do something for others, for me, is connected to and as I type and process this, I notice how deeply ingrained with this notion of in order for me to receive, I must do something.

As I delve deeper with this, or as I stay with this rather than shying or running away, I see how it is only me that feels obligated. This has nothing to do with the people or things I feel obligated to or towards. Nothing ever does.  Nothing has to do with others, that is an escape, that is a diversion taking us away from looking at our true selves. Everything has to do with us. For no thing is outside of us, no thing is separate from us. We learn to not take something that is not ours, so why do I feel called, often obligated to take on what others are experiencing? Why do I feel responsible and obligated to fix, to remove, and to save others from what they are experiencing?  It is not mine to take.  There stuff is their stuff, it is not mine to take on.  It is not something I am responsible for. I see clearly how this feeling of obligation is directly related to me, my perception, my interpretation of the moment or the stories I have told and the roles I have played up until this moment. No one else is accountable for this. Only me. Folks will ask me to do something, how I choose to perceive the request is up to me and how I choose to respond is also up to me.  Within that space I can choose if I’d like to do something, have to do something, get to do something or feel obligated to do something.

As I type am recalling a conversation I had when I was a teacher many years ago. I was talking with a mom of a student and she asked me if I wanted to do something. I paused. I stumbled over words. As I attempted to gather a response, she saw my hesitation, she read me before I spoke and said, “Sara, commit to no. It is okay to commit to no.”   I stood there taking these words in, attempting to accept that it is okay to say no, to tell someone no.

For so long and even now, years later, I feel, here it is, obligated to do things out of fear of what someone will think of me if I say no.

For saying no, to me, means putting myself first. And putting myself before others, is as I have picked up along the way through experiences in life is rude, disrespectful and wrong- morally wrong.  The story that has been told to me is putting yourself first is something that you do not do. I have been told that it is best, it is the right thing to do to put the needs of others before your own needs. When I say, I have been told; I do not know if I have been explicitly taught this, shown this or have had it modeled to me. What I do know is that somehow, in this journey of life, I have internalized that having needs, speaking up and wanting to do something for me is wrong.

None of this is to say that I have not put myself first, that I have not acted in ways that are what is best for me.  I have.  At times my choices are met externally with acceptance, at times I have felt rejected. It is these rejected feelings that tend to dominate my field of awareness, cloud my perception, and alter my view. It is within these experiences that I seek to avoid these feelings again, so I tend to say yes, when I want to say no. Or I say yes and know it is time to move on and stay out of that fear, the fear of what someone will think of me when I speak up.

All of this is to say that I am acknowledging my part, my role in understanding and making meaning, my own perception of words and choices. What has been is not how it has to be, for change accompanies time. All change happens in time. All change happens within time. Time is a constant in life. I can maintain the way things are, the way things have been or I can choose to change. I continue to step forward I knowing that I am taking steps with this new knowledge, this new awareness and it is from here, from this place that I will make my choices.

Onward.

Sara

*The title of this piece is a lyric from the Cure’s “Pictures of Me,” the song was playing as I closed the screen of the computer to walk away and give myself space from writing this.

**The photographs in the first row of the grid are from my nieces Scholastic Dictionary. The screenshots in the second row are from a Google search of the words.

Interconnected Web of Life

This is part five in the series of nine questions from my Aunt.

 What are you most grateful for in 2020?

Life.

I am grateful for the ability to live in and experience life, to receive its ever present gifts and opportunities to grow.

I am grateful to participate and be a part of this interconnected, vast web of life.

I see how my choices and actions influence my life. I see how I participate in life by the way I show up, the words I choose, and the action I take. I notice how what I do now, impacts what comes next. I am aware of the inextricable connection, the relationship I have with life.

I am grateful to be here now. To experience all that is offered for me, for me to see, for me to grow, for me to learn. Everything moment. Every encounter. All of it. For everything that is happening, that is transpiring is for me. I see all of it as an opportunity for me to expand my awareness and understanding, for me to expand beyond where I am now without ever going anywhere.

Nothing is Unfinished

This is question four in the series of questions from my aunt.

What is your biggest piece of unfinished business from 2020?

There is no unfinished business, all life is a flow in time and everything comes and goes in its own time. Everything is complete and done in its time, in the course of time. There are pieces that I am working on and they will become complete in their time, nothing is unfinished. I do not live my life in a way where I leave things unfinished, because nothing can be left undone. I may be pondering or reflecting on what steps to take next or how to respond. Within that is action, not waiting. It is similar to taking a breath when you speak, there is a pause, there is space in between, something is still happening, nothing has stopped there is still action. I see life like that. There is no waiting in life. Everything is action. By not doing, you are acting, you are making a choice. There is no passivity in life. Life is happening now, not later, not then, not when. Life is happening now. Only now. So I live here, now, being me, taking action and completing things as I am meant to. Nothing is unfinished; it is all part of a larger piece of collaboration and evolution, the ebb and flow of time.

Outgrowing what is Known

This post is a part of the series of post in which my aunt is asking questions to reflect on 2020. This is the response to the third question.

When did you stretch your comfort zone in 2020?

To answer this question, I would like to come to clarity around the meaning of comfort zone.  Comfort to me is known and familiar, reliable and steady, while zone is a range, a place that has invisible boundaries. A zone takes on a form, a fluid range that varies. With that, for me a comfort zone is a familiar space or place in which is known and somewhat consistent. Its boundaries are fluid yet there are parameters.

For me, stretching beyond the known requires trust. Trust in your own self, trusting your capacities. For as you step into the unknown, you carry the known with you. You carry yourself as you step forward in to the unknown.

These thoughts come to me now. Now there is this awareness of trust, now it is known. I am confident that I had not given this much thought to my decision to live at an ashram in India for 19 days. I do not recall having any thought as the car pulled on to the ashram grounds. The driver and his friend asked me, “are you sure you want us to leave you here?” “Yes,” I replied, “I am sure.” And I stepped out.

There I was, in this new, unfamiliar place. No one was there to greet me. No buildings or doors were marked. I knew nobody. I did not know how things worked, I did not know if folks spoke or would speak English or what my days would look and be like. I had no idea what I was stepping into.

While I was in India I had been (and still am) working on observing myself and noticing my actions, reactions, tendencies and habits and how I was really aware of them now that I am out of my familiar comfort zone in the USA. At the time I was reading the book This is That written by my teacher Anand Mehrotra and I read:

“Another meaning of tapah, is self-mastery, of watching oneself, mindful of not cultivating any level of dependency…. Tapah is also when we go on pilgrimages when we step out of our comfort zone, challenge ourselves……Tapah on that level is the practice of pushing the envelope, putting you out of your comfort* zone, cultivating tapah in your life because if you stay within your bubble, your bubble will, after a while consume you.”

*(As I began to type comfort I actually typed conform. Which I find fascinating… my awareness is around what I have let conform me- again, the habits, the ways, the routines the comforts.)

This excerpt is from post on my webpage and found its way to me and I sat with this question. It is within these words that the answer to this question arrives. 

As the clock struck 12:00 am on January 1, 2020, I was outside on the grounds of Sri Ram listening to the sounds of fireworks crackling in the night sky with the saptrishi constellation above. I love fireworks. As I watched them, I giggled with delight. 2020 began on the same grounds that only a few days before I placed my foot upon as I took the step out of the car, knowing nothing more about Sri Ram than they had many babies and welcomed extra hands to hold them. When I stepped out of the car the place was unknown and unfamiliar. In a few short days, some aspects became known; some aspects became familiar. And some things remained unknown. For that is the thing with known and unknown. Things are unknown until they are known, then they are known and cannot be unknown. Most things remain the same until you take a step. Which brings me back to the word conform which I typed when I meant to type comfort. Yes, conform, which for me means with form, to be in a line, to follow a sequence, something that is predictable, known. It is easy to conform, to find comfort in the known.

I stretched my comfort zone in 2020 while at Sri Ram, an ashram that opened their doors and their arms to welcome me, exactly as I am. When you are in a new place, with a different language, customs and ways of doing things, one thing that you have to do is be present and in the moment, not relying on what has been and what you are familiar with. During that time and since then, I have been cultivating not having any levels of dependency and consistency. It is easy to fall into a routine of having to rather than getting to and feeling stuck rather than recognizing the choices we have in every moment. It is easy to take for granted every moment that is offered for us, that is gifted to us in this life. It is easy to become complacent, easy to fall into a known, a routine, or a place where you move through life.

I notice how I slip into this place, this place of going through the motions, having life come to me in the day in and day out or as some folks say, same thing, different day.  However, now I know that each moment is different. Each moment that is here is a moment that is gone as soon as it arrives. This awareness is not new, it is not a result of being in India or experiencing 2020. For me, this awareness is deeper, there is more trust with it, it is backed by knowingness from experience, not just a belief or a phrase that I have said or that has been said to me. Nothing stays. Nothing remains. Events rise. Events disappear. Things come. Things go. That is the nature of time, things are constantly changing, that is what time brings to every moment, change. It is easy to feel stuck when you become complacent, easy to feel that you do not have choices. All events and moments in life are neutral. How we interpret these events, how we perceive the moments, how we interact and feel the events and moments is up to us, we have a choice.

We all have choices. I am an active participant in my life. I participate fully in my life, I co-create my life with the choices I actively make and the steps I take. I choose to embrace each day for the newness of possibilities that comes with it, to marvel with the possibilities held in the unknown of the day. For me, the alternative is to fall into a place of complacency, one of feeling stuck. At times I find myself there, and it is no longer familiar. What was once a known, familiar place is no longer my comfort zone. Rather, I meet discord there, something doesn’t feel right, it does not feel comfortable. Yes, that is how I stretched my comfort zone in 2020, in fact, I outgrew my comfort zone and stepped into a new one, one I will not return to.  What is the phrase folks use, hindsight is 2020. Look what I know now! Grateful for every moment and the ability to locate words to express myself and my current understanding of life, in regards to the context of comfort zones.

Pieces Written to Read at the JH Writer’s Conference Open Mic

I saw the sign up form as I walked to the registration table at the Jackson Hole Writer’s Conference. As I filled out the forms, I was invited to sign up by writing my name next to a time slot.

“No thank you,” I said softly. Inside, my mind was shouting, do it. That voice, the voice telling me to step out of my comfort zone and step up to the microphone lingered. It was with me as I walked to my seat, as the speakers spoke, when I was chatting with other participants. The voice was with me as I rode my bike home. It was with me when I woke the next morning and it was with me as I walked into the Center For the Arts the next morning.  As I added my name to the list the voice switched to, you are going to do this.

And I did.

These are the pieces I shared that day, I share them here with you now.

Turning the Inward, Outward

extrinsic rewards

praise

turns the inward

outward

to seek approval

       of others

              to determine their worth

no longer doing for

joy

discovery

pleasure

Life is Happening Now

What do we miss

When we talk about

     preparing children for the future

Relationship Based

reciprocal

back & forth

exchange

responsive

it requires us to be

            present

            aware

            in tune

we can listen

we can hear

we can meet the child where they are

and they will come to us

Power With

such fear

   in losing control of a conversation

   of the unknown

   loss of power

instead we shut them down

   to keep power

   stay in control

rather than turn the conversation over

What might happen if…..

we invite

        encourage

bring along

ask

wait

listen

read

there are many forms of expression

once we are open

Possibilities Overlooked

Children

explore on their own

Creating possibilities

adults often miss

What is known to adults

is

            waiting

                                    waiting to be discovered

By children

a natural sense

draws them in

curious

Participate

in what ways

do we

invite

invite children to be

a part of their education

a part, a part of their learning

their journey

their journey

to be a part of their journey

Derives From

Learning is

            driven

Learning is

            self-directed

Learning is

            self-exploration

It derives from

wonder

curiosity

connecting

reflecting

Simply Being Me

This is the second in the series of questions posed by my aunt.

What was the greatest service you performed or contribution you made in 2020?

These questions have me giggling because I notice my initial thoughts of wanting to glorify and gain elevated status for service I have done. Of course this thought is perceived and projected, it is not actually true. Laughing, I pause, asking myself, why does that matter, what is driving me to want to say that. Really, what is the desire, the agenda, the push to share from that space, it is a perception, a thought, all of it is on the level of thought and that is not the place from which I choose to respond.

I am myself. I am me. Yes, it is that simple, my act of service is being me. No more, no less. Simply being me.

Me being me looks different and varies as I adapt and respond to the need of each moment. This is a journey, a shift, a process one that is inviting me to be comfortable embracing being me. To do this, I have to be aware of the conditions I have placed and have allowed to be placed on me, and some of them are so deeply ingrained that I have forgotten what it truly means to be me. For me, being me, means listening to my inner self and acting, interacting, responding from a place of knowing rather than a feeling of need, should or what if. It is a conscious action of giving permission and of allowing.  To be me, the authentic real me, I have to notice the fear that has been and sometimes still is behind my actions, the fear that binds me, the fear that I have allowed to drive and define me. I acknowledge this fear and have the courage to say no longer, no more, I am not living from this place any more. To be me, requires me to break free of the stories I have been told, the narratives that have become familiar and known.  In being me, I am here, present in the moment. Not inviting the past into this moment and not leaving this moment to conjure what may happen in the future.

I am here now. For when I leave here, I am no longer here, I am then there, somewhere else in the past or the future, no longer in the moment.

I contribute to each moment by being present. For when I am present, I am being me. Simply being me. No more. No less. Simply being me.

Being with the Intensity of Life

This piece is written in response to a question that my aunt sent to me. This question is the first in a series of 9. I received this question as an invitation to reflect, I invite you to do the same. I share it here with you now.

What was your most meaningful accomplishment of 2020?

This is an interesting question; it can be interpreted in so many ways. I noticed how quickly my mind led me to tangible accomplishments, things I have done so I can check a box and say, “complete” or to say to someone, “this is what I have done.” When I caught my thoughts, I realized, no that is not what is most meaningful. Accomplishing does mean doing something and for me, my most meaningful accomplishment is the ability to be with the intensity of life. What does that mean, one may ask. What does that mean, I ask myself.

For most of my life, I have lived externally- seeking validation on where I stand, what I do, how I am supposed to be from others. There have always been times when I sought control of the outer world, to create order, to fix, to solve, to ease, to cease what is happening around me. I have also allowed events of life to pull me, divert me, distract me, determine how I feel, where I stand. I felt I was a victim to the world, of the world, that everything was happening to me, that I deserved this suffering fueled by self hatred and self violent thoughts, because I did something wrong, because I was wrong. Somewhere along my journey in life, I came to believe that life was conditional and if I wanted to live a good life, I needed to earn it. To me, earning a good life meant sacrificing my needs, placing everyone around me before myself because, as I justified myself, putting myself first is selfish.

Now that I have developed a relationship with my self, I see how this self is here now, available for me to access. One that has always been here, patiently waiting for me to acknowledge, to greet, to become acquainted.  One that is here for me to turn towards, to tune in to. I tend to this relationship by spending time and getting to know myself. I observe myself, noticing how I interact, respond, what I choose to say, what I choose to not say. I am curious with my self, asking my self questions while watching, observing and noticing what I do- knowingly and unknowingly. I know now, from experience, that all is happening for me. Every moment, every interaction is an opportunity for me to see, to learn, to grow, to evolve. Now, when feelings arise, when the desire to run, hide, escape, scream, control, fix, remove and/or numb myself from all that happens, a softer response arises. It is not a drastic reaction; instead I access grace that lies beneath all of this. In accessing this place, I am not removing myself; I am still where I am, here. I have not gone anywhere. The events of the world happen, my life unfolds and I remain here, stable, steady, grounded in this deeper sense of self while trusting that all is happening for me. 

Folks often say, "let go." I did not know what that meant, how does one let go? What am I supposed to let go of?  Does one simply stop caring, stop engaging, stop living? I have explored this deeply, witnessing when I hold on to something, when become hooked by something, or allow something to stick to me. I become aware. I notice how I feel when I am trapped and held, when my grip tightens around the thing that "got me," how my thoughts carry me away from the present moment attempting to justify, explain, defend, reason. It all happens so fast, it is as if I have a cloak placed over me, I become blinded, disoriented everything is dark and hazy and I cannot see clearly. Knowing I have spent much of my life here, in this place, I consciously choose to no longer be in that space, to no longer be held, to no longer feel the need to hold on, to grip and I choose to open my hand, my heart and my eyes and to let go and allow grace in. It is not complicated; it is not a complex process. It takes dedication and tending to, as is anything we care deeply about. Every moment is an opportunity for me to see I have a choice, to hold on or let go. As soon as I am aware that I have been hooked, snared, caught or trapped, as soon as I notice that I am holding on, I soften and let go. I leave it there and step forward.  One step at a time.

Showing Up

When do we show up?

How do we show up?

These questions have been arising for me.

When do I show up?

How do I show up?

What does it mean to show up?

To me, showing up is being me. Wholly being me in a moment. Being present with what is arising, with what is here, in the moment.

Showing up can be speaking up.

Showing up can be silent.

Showing up can be a hug.

Showing up can be sitting next to someone.

Showing up can be nodding.

Showing up can be taking a deep breath.

Showing up can be picking up the phone even when you do not know what to say.

Can you locate where I show up in this photo taken at a chai stand in the Swarg Ashram area of Rishikesh?

For me, showing up has been all of these things. It is also doing what needs to be done. Showing up is getting done what needs to be done even when you do not have the strength, when you do not think you have the strength, when you are tired, when you want to rest, when you are exhausted.

Simultaneously showing up is being still, it is stopping when a rest or break is needed. It is taking a breath. It is asking for help. Showing up is saying “No.”

Showing up is hearing what someone has to say, even when you do not want to listen. Showing up is listening when you do not want to hear what is being said and speaking up because you do not agree. Showing up is being here even when you want to run away and hide.

Looking back, I can see how I showed up for myself without even thinking about it, without even having an awareness I was showing up. I was simply doing what life asked of me. I was simply being me.

Inviting you to explore what arises when you ask yourself these questions:

How do you show up? When do you show up?

How have folks shown up for you? When have folks shown up for you?

Showing up for me. Showing up for you.

Sara

Environments and Energy

Remember when you would visit a friend’s house and you would see how different things were?  There were different scents, different ways of doing things like eating a meal, putting things away? Different ways folks would interact with one another.

My relationship with my self has deepened and I have learned how to listen to my body and the signals it sends. Now, as I step into environments I am aware of how they feel around me and within me. I am aware of the space I am entering. I am aware of how I feel in them. Some feel light and upbeat, others feel dense, heavy and stagnant. I also notice shifts in the environments and have had waves of nausea, tears and even a strong desire to flee.

This is new for me, this listening, this awareness and I am working with it. I am developing ways to adapt. Ways to accommodate. Ways to accept. ( Interestingly, it has been easy for me to provide ways to adapt an environment, to create ways to accommodate someone in an environment and to offer perspectives to accept an environment when I work with children and others. For me, this journey has been to find ways to support myself in various environments).

It is become clear to me that the way I have known, the way that has been shown is not the only way. There are many ways- many ways to interact, many ways to speak, many ways to be together.

The way it has been does not need to be the way it is. We have choices. We can choose. We have the ability to choose. We have the ability to choose how we interact, how we respond, how we engage.

I was told once, “that is the way, you just have to accept it.”  I remember thinking in the moment, No, I do not. I am not buying in to this. I do not agree. This way does not work for me. It was a deep visceral response. Even recalling it now I feel my jaw clench and the grip in my hand tighten.

You know when something is not working for you. You feel it in your body. Something within rises up. Something is there. For a long time I could not place it. I could not name it. I knew something “wasn’t right,” I knew something did not feel good.  I knew I felt uncomfortable. I knew I wanted to remove myself, to find some way to leave, some way to hide.

Yet for years I would stay. Stay in the familiar pattern. The familiar known. Feeling that is what I should do.

I know now, the only thing to do is to be you.

You can break the pattern. You can break the chain. You can remove the shackles. You can remove the ties of bondage.

What masks have you donned to fit in?

In what ways have you adapted to the environment?

How have you shut off parts of your self to function, to play a role?

What camouflage have you put on?

Many years ago, I was offered the book The Power of One, by Bryce Courtenay. I held on to the book, feeling I should read it since it was offered to me. I opened the book and began to read it a couple of times. I wasn’t feeling it. I wasn’t hooked, I was not drawn in. Something about it was not working for me. Until I made another attempt and that time I could not put it down. 

The book has risen to the surface for me again. As I held it in my hands, in preparation to mail it back to the friend that offered it to me, I felt called to open the pages and read it again.  The words. The characters. The story. The narrative. The dialogue, internal and external. All of it. It holds me. It is as if I can not get enough.

Here are a few quotes from the book that I have been sitting with:

You can get used to anything, I discovered. pg 44.

I learned to be in two places at once. pg 44

I knew then, that the person on the outside was only a shell, a presence to be seen and provoked. Inside was the real me. pg 46

How do you access your self?

What do you know about your self?

Do the environments you are in, bolster, support and nurture this aspect of your self that you know?

Each time you step into an environment, you have the opportunities to see, to notice, to observe.  Listen. Listen to the signals in your body. You have an opportunity to choose. To choose how you engage, choose how you want to interact, choose how you respond, choose the words you want to say, or the silence that you hold. All of them are choices that are available for you.

Bryce Courtney writes… And the beginning of the power of one- how I learned that in each of us there burns a flame of independence that must never be allowed to go out. That as long as it exists within us we cannot be destroyed. pg 20

Environments, interactions, folks can each alter your flame.  At times, there can be attempts to snuff out the flame, throw water on the flame or moments when your fire is tended by giving it the air and the fuel it needs to shine bright, radiate light and heat while dancing with joy.

How do you tend to your flame?

What environments nurture your flame?

What environments snuff your flame?

When you shine?

When you feel dim?

Ask yourself these questions. Listen. Listen by hearing the words. Listen to the silence in between the words. Notice what arises.

Tending to my flame and inviting you to so the same,

Sara

What is Clarity?

How does one arrive to clarity?  How does one arrive to a clear state?

As I type, I noticed I write arrive, as if it is a place to be, a place other than here.

Clarity.

In a recent post/sharing, I wrote:

I used to think that if I was more mindful, if I thought more, if I talked more, if I analyzed more then I would understand, I would undo this knot.

I know now that asking questions, intellectualizing, thinking, trying to make meaning, attempting to make sense, replaying interactions, stories, narratives- all of this searching requires effort. All of this seeking, all of this yearning requires energy.

Simultaneously I know that achieving clarity, for me, most of the time, requires effort. Accessing clarity, requires effort on my behalf.

I type these last four sentences, knowing there are contradictions. Conflicting ideas, noncongruent thoughts someone may pose, yet they are all true. To me, they are true. It is not a one or another, it is a yes and. A simultaneous knowning. Multiple knowings, simultaneously.  

In this place of knowing, there is also confusion. In the confusion, the intellect steps in and seeks to understand, to make sense, to justify, to explain.

There are so many words and phrases to convey moments of clarity. Insight, it dawned on me, the light bulb went off, I saw the light, illuminated, enlightenment, it became crystal clear, an ah ha moment… I have also used, “it is a knowing.”

“It is an experience beyond logic,” Jeanette shared with me.  We often talk about locating words to describe what we know, what we feel, what we have experienced. She continued, when we attempt to “articulate, to find words to share and experience, [the] brain tries to find words that match.” 

The words can also rise up to meet you. Instead of searching for the words, trying to locate the words, the words meet you, they find their way to you.

Jeanette shared in her own words, “a memory becomes a knowing. Consciousness meets the memory of knowing. The body experiences understandings, if the consciousness meets knowing. If the ego meets it, it is information, not knowing.”

Here I am, sitting, knowing that “knowings” arrive for me, they arrive to me, they arrive through me. How do you know? one might ask, I just know. This knowing, has to be backed, it has to be supported, there has to be a level of trust with and in this knowing. For once the words, the thought, the idea is questioned, then it either poof, goes away or it becomes only information, information that I then begin to intellectualize, analyze.

I know you have had these knowings. Folks often say, “I felt it in my gut,” or “I felt it in my bones.” This knowing arrives without any forethought, without any planning.

This for me is the voice inside, the voice that is not my ego. It is the voice, the inner voice, the knowing voice. The voice I have heard and not trusted. The voice I have heard and ignored. The voice that was always here, speaking. The voice I did not always access. The voice that I still, sometimes do not follow through on.

It is voice that communicates through practice and my own experience trusting, listening to, hearing the call and responding to it by taking action, by taking a step.  Sometimes the voice is loud, sometimes it is soft. It is always persistent, it is always patient. Always here, always speaking, always communicating.

I know the voice is real.  It is a knowing, no longer information I have read about, information someone told me about. It is an embodied knowing. A knowing I can verify.  A knowing I trust. A knowing I know I can choose to honor, to acknowledge.

How do you know?

How do you access your inner voice, the voice within? 

How do you access the voice that speaks to you, that speaks with you?

How do you listen to the voice, the voice that offers?

How do you receive the voice?

In what forms does the voice speak to you?

In what ways does your inner guide communicate with you.

Listen in, heed the call, step, step, step.

In gratitude and grace,

Sara

The photographs in this post were taken on a journey with my sangha to Vasishtha’s Cave alongside Ma Ganga during the Warriors of Wisdom training in February 2020.

Practice and Presence

I set an intention this morning, during my practice to let go of all that I no longer need, all that no longer serves, to loosen the grip, to no longer hold on.  I have set an intention similar to this on many occasions, however today I knew I would be delving into material possessions from my past, things that I have not looked at or touched since May 2019. The intention is an invitation for me to witness, to see, to notice what arises when I delve into material belongings from the past and to not get attached to the stories that accompany them.

 As the day progressed, I received these messages from Sattva Yoga Academy:

“If a moment has shown up for you, you are ready for it.” 

So, when I opened a box and I located the journals from my Living Brave Semester with Brene Brown, I smiled.  This is a moment for me.

I learned of Brene Brown’s Living Brave Semester from a dear friend Mayling; we were on our yoga mats, whispering quietly before class began.  I was in. (As I type, the words, “Let that old story go, it’s a start…” are playing from Trevor Hall and Emory Hall.)

There is so much written and even more that is unwritten and yet speaks in the space between the words. So much to revisit, to read, to be with within these journals. The entries were written during the time I took the class during the winter in 2016.  Looking back from where I am now, here, I see how the words offered from Brene and the words I was able to locate within myself guided me towards the courage to live. Fully.

I can not locate when things shifted, for each time attempt to pin point a time, a moment, an event, I am able to trace that back to something else as well. There is not a defining moment, a moment when I am able to say, here, it is in this moment when it all began.  All of it, every moment, every interaction, every being, every encounter has offered me the opportunity to be here now. When I get really deep on this, I know this comes with the lives of my ancestors as well as my own vrittis and samskaras.

This knowing is backed by my life flowing through me and no one else, only me, for my life is me. I keep coming back to this, over and over and over again. Things arise for me, when I am ready, as opportunities to see. So today, when I opened the journals, I took a deep breath, knowing that the stories I told myself, the words I wrote were real to me, were my truth, at one time.

“Come as you are…all of it fits just right…there’s no tradition, nothing by the book…all you need is courage, have the strength to look…there’s no more pretending…” These words come from Trevor Hall’s ‘without expectation’ as I type this piece.

Courage

Come as you are

Everything will be alright

That is the thing, when you hold on tightly, there is a lot to lose (and at times it takes a lot to loosen). When I held on tightly, I held on in attempt to control. That was my stance, as I was able to put into words in those Living Brave journals, “I won’t feel, I will do. I don’t need help, I help.” That was how I functioned, rescuing, micromanaging, taking over, getting in to other people’s business. It was a way I knew.  It was the way I knew. It felt so necessary, so needed.

This moment to revisit these journals comes on the day when I also had an opportunity to I hear Kia Miller speak about a conversation she had with Anand Ji about just that.  They were speaking about Presence and Practice on a panel for Global Days of Unity. “Mind your business, be aware to not get into savior complex, get yourself in order,” Anand Ji shared. He continued, “Wake yourself up, that is our primary dharma. Naturally it will radiate out, it is a natural tendency. Natural tendency for things that are full is to spill out.” I have heard these teachings before; today they landed in a new way.

In the context of my past, how I was, my tendency was to get everyone else in order, to control every moment, every event. It was what I did to feel safe, to create some resemblance of safety, for if everything went as I planned, as I created, as I controlled, as I expected, then nothing would come out, pop up and surprise me. At least that was what I thought, that was my reasoning. That was my known.

These are a few entries from that winter in 2016

I hope to learn that the shield is too heavy to lug around and that is only keeps me from knowing myself and letting myself be known!

I am/have been part of the culture that feels/felt if I keep busy enough, the truth of my life won’t catch up.

I numb to avoid: shame, anxiety (uncertainty, overwhelming, demands on time), disconnection.

I can stop asking what is the quickest way for these emotions to go away and START asking, what are these feelings and where did they come from?

I am slowly learning how to straddle the tension that comes with understanding that I am tough and tender, brave and afraid, strong and struggling- all of these things all of the time. I am working on letting go of having to be one or another and embracing the wholeness of wholeheartedness.

The last page of the second journal reads:

Three Key Learnings:

*expectations set me up for let downs

*If I am clear with what I need help with and how I am feeling, folks know how to help, if I am not clear, they don’t know what I need/expect and can’t support me the way I hope/want/expect/need. They can’t read my mind.

*when I take care of myself - by being curious when I am in a fall or feeling shame - going to yoga, breathing, eating healthily and being mindful about my emotions, then I am my best self and can handle what comes my way

As I flipped through the pages of the journals from my Living Brave Semester, I felt called to reach out to Mayling, to share my discovery with her. I also felt called to open Book 3 from 2019… these are the words I read from this time last year:

I don’t have anywhere to go, anything to do and place to be…immerse…integrate.

I do have a job, it’s to learn more about myself- to look within- to rid and release these old patterns and habits and thoughts that have become conditioned within me, my ways, my cells. To pay attention to my environment, my surroundings… to be aware. 

I am here to be with myself- with no distractions- to get to know- to be in touch-to be inspired by me. That is my work.

Integration of the Summit, what does that mean?

To be with myself, to have the courage to look deep within, to look at the stories I have told and tell myself, the identities I’ve encased around/on myself- what I have allowed to define me.

That and a sense of trust. A deep knowing that I am on my path and all will be revealed to me when I am ready. I write this often and it is my truth. I am being guided. I am honoring the call and the messages and acknowledging the opportunities to learn, to see, to let go of all that constrains and holds and binds me, to that which limits me. So I can be a leader to others away from suffering towards love.

Earlier this week, I recalled an image from how I used to feel. For a long time, I felt I was walking the same path, over and over again. It was worn, so worn that I walked grooves into the earth, into the dirt. So worn that all I could see was the sky above, I had forgotten the vast landscape of possibilities. They were there, on the horizon, not far at all, out of sight and there within reach.

I used to think that if I was more mindful, if I thought more, if I talked more, if I analyzed more then I would understand, I would undo this knot.

I know now that asking questions, intellectualizing, thinking, trying to make meaning, attempting to make sense, replaying interactions, stories, narratives- all of this searching requires effort. All of this seeking, all of this yearning requires energy.  That, I know now, is not how I want to spend my energy, not how I want to spend my time. 

Rather, I choose to be present. Here. Now. Noticing. Witnessing. Aware of what surrounds me. To know the moment when emotion arises within me, to catch it, to catch the moment, rather than it hooking me. To see the invitation to get drawn in and say “I see you and no thank you.” This is my practice again and again and again. Present in the moment to notice, to witness and to be aware when emotion rises up. Patience and acceptance when I do get hooked, caught in the trap, drawn in, and trace the steps back to locate the moment when I got snared.

My practice is how I live my life.

I start with noticing. Approaching it all with a beginners mind. While simultaneously knowing that all of this fades, it all fades away. Nothing is permanent.

Grateful for my practice. Grateful for the opportunity to see clearly. Grateful for the opportunity to share this here with you.

With clarity,

Sara

Surrender

I am not fighting anymore

These words are transcribed from a voice recording that I posted at the end of the piece What is Grace? 

So maybe that is where surrender comes from…

Surrender cause you know the fighting and the resistance takes so much energy…

Its draining.

To maintain that place…

To maintain that stance…

So it is in that,

Grace comes from this place of being tired of fighting.

Tired of resisting.

Tired of battling yourself.

Ah…

Tired of fighting the demons- the victim identity, lack of self worth, self violence, self hatred, comparison…

Surrender is holding up a mirror to all of those things and saying I see you,

You have been brought to light, I thought you were the truth, but now I know that you are not.

You gave me a good run. I really believed you.

Now that I know,

I KNOW.

And there is no going back!

Smiling,

Sara

How do I Know?

How do I know?

I know.

How do I know?

I remember.

How do I remember?

I realize it.

How do I realize it?

It arises.

How does it arise?

It reveals itself.

How does it reveal itself?

I notice it.

How do I notice it?

In my awareness.

How do I access my awareness?

I listen.

How do I listen?

I listen in silence.

How do I listen in silence?

I come to stillness.

How do I come to stillness?

I quiet the mind.

How do I quiet the mind?

I sit.

How do I sit?

In mediation.

How do I mediate?

It is a practice.

How do I arrive at a practice?

I know its power. I know its value.

How do I know?

I know.

Knowing,

Sara

What is Grace?

While walking with a friend, I referred to grace. Moving in life with grace. The grace always being here, underneath everything, before everything, beyond everything. Grace.

“What is grace?” she asked.

What is grace?  I have been with that, been with this questions for some time.

What is grace?

How do I know grace?  How do I know grace is here? How do I know that grace is below all of this, behind all of this, beyond all of this?

I know because I have accessed grace. I have felt grace. I have connected to grace.

When?

Most often, it has been after the storm. After the storm rages, after the waves rise and engulf me, crashing over me as I struggle for breath the stillness comes. The calm of the ocean comes and I locate, I find grace in the stillness there.

I have also met grace during the storm. In the midst of it all, she comes, bringing this vision of clarity, ease. Her stillness, the clarity stops me and brings me to the present moment, I realize in that moment how swept up I have become, how I have allowed the stories of my mind to swirl around me, to suck me down this hole, most often alongside self-doubt, worry and self hatred thoughts and words- words I would not speak out loud for others to hear, words that echo, reverberate in the silence of my mind.

She is always here. Always here. She has never left. Only I forgot. She is not lost. She is not gone. I have simply forgotten.

She comes along with a different voice, a silent voice, a voice that is not so domineering, not so forceful. She accompanies a softer voice, a voice of compassion, a voice of acceptance, a voice of love. The voice that soothes a child who is in distress, a voice that wraps itself around you and holds you, rocking you and swaying you, assuring you all is okay, all is as it is meant to be.

And it is. All is as it is meant to be. There is no thing wrong. You are not bad. You are not broken. You are not evil.

You are you. Beautifully being you. Simply being you.

Accept all that arises. When the waves crash and you feel engulfed, know that the ocean is showing you, providing you an opportunity to see that you are always held in loving grace, in a loving embrace.

With grace,

Sara

I recorded this in the early morning, as I woke. You can hear the sleep in my voice accompanied by my yawns. Felt called to record what was arising and share it with you here.

Learning Collective

I continue to be fascinated by how life plays. I found this entry in my journal from a year ago while I was in India.

There are many ways that I can interpret this entry. For this purpose of this post, I am going to explore this in regards to ‘education.’ I will write more about the collective, collaboration, working together and energy in separate post.

Here, now, I am a part of a collective. I am participating in a learning collective. I am facilitating and listening and guiding as a part of a learning collective. 

Each day is new. Each day unfolds in the way it is meant to.

We, the participants of the collective have an agreement that no photographs, images, movies or words will be shared without permission. In honoring that, I have chosen to share here the letters that I wrote in the beginning, as we embarked on this journey.

This is the letter I wrote to the children who would be participating in the collective:

Namaste. Namaste means I see and honor the light inside of you, because that same light is inside of me. I use Namaste as a greeting and I also use “hello, “hi.”

We are going to be embarking (meaning starting something that has not been done before) on a journey- a journey of learning that involves others and ourselves.  This learning is especially important because this work that we will be doing, honors who we are as unique individuals. We will be exploring these questions:

”What makes me, me?” 

“How do I learn?” 

“How do I share my learning with others?”

“How do I learn from others?”

“How do I learn from the world around me?”

Each time we are together we will have the opportunity to decide what it is that we want to do, what is it that we as individuals and as a group want to explore, want to learn more about.

It is a very exciting time.

We will meet for the first time, together as a group, on Tuesday, September 15th.  We will learn more about one another and all of the possibilities that are available for us.

Here are a few things that I am bringing and ask that you bring them too.

*a water bottle full of water

*a snack to nourish yourself

*your mask

You are welcome to bring other things too. Maybe you are really interested in something and you want to share that something with us, maybe you are curious about something and you want to ask questions about something you have, maybe you have something special that you want to share with us.  You are welcome to bring anything that you would like. Whatever you choose to bring (in addition to the above listed items), please bring it in a pack, bag or something that you can carry.

We will be seeing each other soon and when we do we can talk, share and learn more about one another. Until then, be in joy (that is a play on the word enjoy… Do you get it?  En joy, In joy).

Looking forward to learning with and alongside you,

Sara

This is the letter I wrote to the families who chose to participate in the collective.

Thank you for choosing to be a part of this collective. Thank you for taking a step forward into the unknown. This collective will be co-created through our collective voices and our collective wisdom. In being a part of a collective, participation is a way of being.

Through your choices, advocacy and responses, your children are coming together with other children to construct their own knowledge, to come together as a community, to be in a shared space with one another, to listen to and respect each other as individuals. Through our active participation, we will be cultivating learning processes. Each one of us is a bearer, a bringer of diversity and difference. Each one of us has a unique perspective, a way of being, a way of seeing, a way of doing. In this collective space, we are honoring, seeing and recognizing that which makes us diverse, that what makes us unique. The intention is to give voice and value to all of the different ways that children express themselves, bring their own selves to a group and build knowledge individually and collectively.

Your participation aids to cultivate a space which has the potential to be developed, the potential to be accessed, the potential to offer and create learning contexts rather than a pre programmed activity for our children. The dynamics of the group along with the dynamics of the environment will create the context for learning. The intention is to increase learning for all, honoring the unique capacities and capabilities of each individual, which will bolster learning for all.

As we embark on this collective journey together, we will have opportunities to know more about each child, how each child participates, how each child learns and how each child constructs their own knowledge. In addition, I will be holding these guiding questions in my awareness:

How does one's learning enrich the learning of others?

What are the processes that activate participation?

How are participation and democracy, diversity and difference related?

Thank you again for the opportunity to learn with and alongside your children. I trust this will be a journey full of discovery, meaning and embodiment.

In awe of life while simultaneously saying, while laughing of course!

Hugs,

Sara

Love Is All You Need

Love. Love. Love.

I have revisited the song recently and the lyrics speak to me in a way I have not heard before. That, to me is the sign of a song that resonates with you.  You hear it again and again and it continues to reveal itself to you.

For the longest time, pretty much my entire life, I thought I had to earn love.

Yes, sit with that statement for a moment. I am. It is one thing to think it, to have believed it, to internalize it. It is another to speak it. To put it to words.

I thought I had to earn love.

I thought it was something conditional.  Something you got in return for something else. Something that was given to you when you did something for someone.

I could go on and on, diving deep into the ocean of stories that I have told myself based on experiences that I have placed myself in, over and over again.

I know that you do not get love. You do not find love. You do not receive love.

For you are love.  Love is who you are.  Pure love. Always loving in all ways.

Which brings me to the song, All You Need is Love. 

I thought that once I got love then everything would be good. Once I found love, all would be okay.

What is love though?  What really is love?

I taught writing to children for a long time, I still do now in some version of “teaching.” One strategy that I use time and time again is called “Lift The Line.”  In this strategy, you lift a line from text, either something you wrote or the words someone else wrote. You place that line at the top and then you write, expanding on the words that you lifted. 

I feel called to use this strategy here, to share with you what has been arising for me when I revisited the song All you Need is Love by the Beatles.

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.

Anything and everything is possible. There are infinite possibilities.  Anything and everything is possible.  The only thing holding us back is our own selves, our own perceived limitations. Anything is possible. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game.

I strive to be clear, to be articulate, to locate the words that convey exactly where I am at, what I am thinking, what I want to say. I am aware of what I choose to say, when I choose to say it, the words I choose to use, how I am going to convey what it is that I have to say.  I know in the power of words. I know of the power of what is spoken, what is not spoken, the container that holds the words and the container that holds the unspoken words.

You can write your own script so meticulously. You can attempt to write scripts for others. How others choose to hear what you have to say, how others choose to receive what you have to say is up to them. It is their choice, whether they are conscious of this or not. How they receive what you have to say is not up to you. You can not control how others hear what you say. For everyone hears what it is that they are ready to hear, what they want to hear. What they hear is based on what their consciousness state is able receive in that moment.

This is all a game. This is all a play. This is all a dance. This life, this life is a play. Many stages. Many scripts. Many actors. Many directors. I am the actor. I am the director. I am the set designer. I am the costume designed. I am the script writer.

Play. Play. Play. Play with it all. Dance the dance. Play the game. Play your part. Embrace the role you are meant to be.

Nothing you can do, but can you learn how to be you in time.

Words cannot begin to capture the profoundness held within these words. There is nothing else to say. The line itself speaks. Profoundly beautiful.

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known

One my first day in India, October 31, 2018, my intention was to leave my hotel to explore Old Delhi and I had been advised to get a guide.  While I had contacted a few potential guides before I arrived, I did not set any firm plans. I inquired with the front desk at my hotel to see if they had any tours going out that day, I was told they did not.

I knew I was not going to spend my first day in India in a hotel, so I looked up important words that I thought I would use while walking about in Old Dehli.  On a post-it wrote down, thank you, sorry, how much and no thank you. (*I think it is fascinating that I felt at the time, that knowing “sorry” was a useful word! Oh how far I have come!) I listened to the translations of the words and wrote them in a way I could pronounce them. I gathered my bag and with my post it in my hand I walked down the stairs to the front door. I paused at the front desk, reassuring myself by getting outside validation that I could walk to the Red Fort on my own. Right before I was ready to walk down the steps to the road, I turned to share my post-it asking if there was anything else I needed to know before I left.  This is what I received,

“Oh, no, no, no Ma’am. The only thing you need to know how to say here in India is, “Mujhe Sab Pta Hai.”

Which translates to “I already know everything.”

Yes, this is the message I received on my first morning in India. Beautiful, I know. So are the events that followed, leading me to KNOW this phrase. (That is an experience for another post.)

There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be

What is the familiar phrase? “Wherever you go, oops there you are.” You cannot escape yourself; you cannot run from yourself, you cannot hide from yourself-I know, I have tried! There is nowhere else you are meant to be. No place for you to go. No place to arrive at. Simply, be here now.

Years ago I learned of the song “I am I,” written by Eric Hansen. Every year as the school year began this was one of the first songs I would introduce to our community. We would sing it over and over again. I listen to it now with my nieces. It is a beautiful song.  Eric writes, “I am I, said I. I am me, said me. I am exactly who I am supposed to be.”  I add in the line, “I am I, said I. I am me, said me. I am exactly where I am meant to be.”

Love is all you need

It is. I know. You know how I know? I have accessed it within myself.  I have located love within me. Lost to me, never lost to itself. For love loves love. That is its nature. Love is within me. Love is me. I am love. Now that I know this, I know, love is all I need. 

Loving you in all ways, always.

Sara

A Message To Folks On the Journey

In a recent journey with my teacher Anand Ji, he asked us to send a message to fellow beings on their journey. I send this message out from my heart to you.

These are the words that came to me. 

Stay your course

Commit to your practice

It is possible

Know yourself

Trust your path

Be Kind

Forgive yourself

Stay your course

For me, it has been so easy, a habit, familiar to compare myself to others, to what they are doing, what they have done. I notice it now, creeping up and catching me off guard.  We have been conditioned to compete with one another, to want, to desire, to think “if only I have -----, then -----,” or “when I get -----, then I will be ------.” We have been taught to look outside of ourselves for validation, for acceptance, to belong.

Turn inward and allow your inner guide, the voice within you to guide your way on. Stay on your path and allow others to be on theirs.  Stay your course.

Commit to your practice

Commitment, this is your sankapla, your inner will, inner drive.  Show up for yourself. When there is resistance, inquire within. What is it really? What is getting in the way?  Do you show up for others and not for yourself?  Why?  Listen to the answers that come, are they real or are they excuses, false stories from the ego resisting change and wanting you to remain the same. 

Show up.

Begin.

Practice takes practice.

It is possible

Everything is possible. Everything is possible if you are willing. Any change requires energy. Again, ask yourself what am I resisting? What stories am I telling myself?

 Know yourself

We have become so accustomed to listening to the doubt of our mind, the self violence, the self deprecating voice, the one that tells us to remain small, to hide.

You are not that voice. You are not that voice. You are not that voice.

You are powerful. You are love. You are strong.

The stories we have been told, the stories we have listened to, the stories we play out in our minds, over and over and over again have made a home in ourselves. They are so familiar, they are so known. We have come to believe them.  The belief is strong, there is a strong pull, a strong lure to stay here. To stay in the known, to stay with this comfort.

We are not the stories. We are not the stories. We are not the stories.

I know that:

We are enough.

We are more than enough.

We are complete.

We are whole.

We are who we are meant to be.

This is from my Yogi Tea. It is on my altar. I look at it everyday.

If we do not know ourselves, if you do not know yourself, how can you know anyone else? How can anyone know you?

In the process of knowing yourself, love happens.  An inner connection is established. An inner reliance is formed.

Access silence. Meet yourself there. Meet yourself in the silence of your being.

Beyond labels.

Beyond Identity.

Beyond Stories.

Beyond Narrative.

Trust your path

My path is my path. My experiences are for me, they have led me here to this very moment. You are your path, your path is you. Your experiences in life have led you to where you are.

You are your path and the path is you.  There is no where to go, no thing to do. You are already here. Being you.

Be Kind

To yourself and others. We are all doing the best we can with where we are at, with our current consciousness state. Access your breath. Bring yourself to center before responding. 

When you react rather than responding, be kind to yourself.

Forgive yourself

When you forgive yourself, you accept that all is happening for you.  Every moment, every interaction, everything is here, an offer for you to see, to grow, to evolve.

There is nothing wrong. Nothing bad. Only opportunities to learn.

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”

Hawaiian ho'oponopono prayer

Recent conversations with Beloved Jeanette have me returning to some version of these words, these steps, to guide my way on.

Surrender

Listen

Step

I used to ask. I found, in asking I am seeking. I am wanting.  All is offered for me. So what I am telling myself now is to surrender. Soften in and trust. The trust is the surrender. It is accessing the knowing.  Since the knowing is already within me, I access the place where is can be offered, which to me is silence. So I access silence to listen.  Once the message is delivered, then I step. Take the step. Take action.

You are not alone on this journey.

Sitting, Standing, Walking, Running beside you,

Sara

Pure Joy

An entry from my journal one year ago when I was at the Sattva Summit.

11.12 Morning Riverside

Last night I danced and danced and danced and danced- flicked my wrists, jumped, tapped my feet, shook, laughed, spun, bounced, swayed to Punjabi beats on drums- oh it speaks to me.

Movement as a form of expression. An unspoken expression.

The power in the space that was held for me to express for it to be witnessed, an expression that was in the moment, that will not be repeated- for it was that moment in which it came through me an expression of love, compassion, of seeing, of longing.

Moments provide space/opportunity for emotions- energy in motion- that were blocked, to move, to be expressed, wake up, to be released from the body.

Let the energy flow. Allow it to move. To be released. Nothing likes to be held back.

Be in joy,

Sara