Full Moon In Capricorn with Shani Dev and the Sun in Cancer

I woke this morning, walked over to my desk, sat and began writing. It’s a full moon in Capricorn and a lot of stuff that has been lurking below the surface has risen. I have been envisioning a crocodile in a swamp, slowly lifting its head, revealing its eye and nostrils, reminding me what is here to be seen if I choose to face it.  In Jyotish, Capricorn is Makara, represented by a crocodile or a goat with a beard like a zen master.

The crocodile comes from the prehistoric era and this sign, Capricorn is associated with the oldest planet Saturn. Oh, beloved Shani Dev. The crocodile can be feared for its bite, its power. It also represents capacity, what it has the tenacity for. It is a hard working sign, it goes all the way without tiring because it knows how to regulate and conserve its energy - aware of where it is putting its energy and how much it is spending. It is an earthy sign, grounded, not easy to shake.

It can also be confused, for crocodiles sleep out of the water. It spends it day in the water and sleeps on land at night- which can represent being emotionally confused at times, having an identity crisis. It can feel challenged to identify itself.

Embedded within it, this sign has a great impulse, desire to discover itself, longing for something to elevate it, inspire it. When Makara keeps going, pushing through, the goat has the capacity to become a unicorn. It has immense commitment to itself and its work- it represents hard work, staying power and the commitment to showing up. And it does this without drawing any attention to itself- like a crocodile in the water. It can be there and you may not even notice.

I have taken notice. I see the swamp that is resides in. I see the lower tendencies that it are drawing me towards- these feelings of being stuck, held in these patterns of self-negation and doubt. I also know that these same murky waters is the environment where the lotus thrives, where she rises up through the water and blossoms, revealing her beauty and fragrance.  I am aware of this. I know this.

I find it fascinating that the moon is full, because she is receiving the light, fully receiving the light of the sun who is placed in the constellation Cancer.  Yes, yes, Cancer, represented by the crab who is an adaptable creature, who adjusts and changes its habits to fit in the environment. The crab, with its hard shell and soft insides, this sensitive creature who resides on the bottom of its watery environment, gathering up all that it can get its claws on to. Yes, the crab that accumulates and collects, that holds on and doesn’t want to let go. The claws that have a tight grip, a tendency to hold on that shows their commitment is not shakable.  Who resides in water, which is life giving and life sustaining, representing fertility, growth, expansion, nurturing, nourishing and healing.

Seems fitting that I was called to sit and write today, on this day when the full moon is here with the energies and gazes of Capricorn, Cancer, the Moon, the Sun, and Saturn- Beloved Shani Dev upon me, swirling around me. If you read the previous posts, it is all here, it has been coming to the surface for some time now. Hold. Bite. Grip. Dependable. Unshakable commitment. Transcend. Confused. Sensitive. Capacity. Tenacity. Steadfastness. Adaptable. Expansion. Growth. Healing. Nourishing. Nurturing.

Inviting me to soften, to loosen my grip, my tendency to hold on, to control. The seeking, the looking, the wanting. Inviting me to open up, to nourish myself, to heal, to nurture. To step beyond the patterns of the lower mind, the ever repeating known and meet the abundance that is here. To step into my power. This supreme act of devotion, of surrender, of trust.

Inviting you to join me,

Sara

This is the full moon in Scorpio at dawn, the day after the lunar eclipse in May. Doesn’t she look like the sun?

Be. Loving.

You know what I realized when I emerged from the depths the other day? I was tired and I was grateful to slow down, listen to by body and turn inward.  I feel drained and taking care of myself is something that is important to me. I have tendency to ignore my needs and to override them by thinking, feeling I should do something different that I rarely listen to my body. This is a deep groove, a well worn path that I am able to peer my head over the top and see the expansive world that lies beyond, if only I allow myself to see.

To see.

Ah, to see.

You know what else I realized, the universe is so giving, so loving, so accommodating, so adaptive that you can find WHATEVER you are looking for!  Whatever it is that you seek, you will find. If I want to be a hero, I will find ways to celebrate myself. If I want to be a victim, I will find all of the ways I have been wronged. 

I see this while reading. I can read a paragraph and pull out only the phrase or line that reinforces my current stance, the words that align with my consciousness state. I can find anything that I am looking for. I can do this with people too, I can talk to people until they tell me what I want to hear, what I want them to say or I can dismiss what they are saying to me, and ignore their words because it doesn’t feel good, doesn’t match where I am or what I seek.

This conforming is something that is arising.  For so long, rather that adapt, I conformed. I allowed aspects of me to die, to get closed off, to be hidden away from me and away from others. I shielded myself to fit in, to belong, to be seen, to not stand out, to not be seen, to shy away.

I read these words from Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection:

Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think just isn’t worth it…. In the end, being true to ourselves is the best gift we can give the people we love.

In the margin, I’ve written this in pencil:

-why I have been struggling

Agh, these words of wisdom written years ago… Yes, Sara, this is one way you struggle. Not being true to you and feeling the need, obligation, the should to be a certain way, a different way, someone, anyone other than you.  Somewhere, some how I have picked up this story that me being me isn’t good, that I am mistake, that the choices I make continue to be bad and that I cannot be trusted.

Oh, yes, the power of free flowing, words being typed and flowing from my heart…. That I cannot be trusted. That I cannot be trusted. Which also seeps into me not being able to trust myself, my choices and my decisions. Let’s be with this for a moment.

I am at a place and time in my life where everything is possible. It’s not that everything isn’t possible or wasn’t possible before, it’s just that now, I am seeing that I have the possibility to go anywhere and do anything. There are moments when I feel free with this open expansion and there are moments when I am paralyzed by fear. This fear, as this free flowing written entry is helping me face, is driven by getting it wrong and making a mistake. As if I am supposed to do something, be someone, go somewhere….

There is a piece of me that feels this is true. I have not shared much about my experiences with Jyotish, Yoga and conversations that I have had with guides and this one time keeps popping into my mind.  I had someone say to me, “But you were supposed to move there.” To place this phrase in context, there was a moment when I was living in my cabin on the edge of the wilderness and I had an opportunity to move into town and I didn’t. These were the words that were shared with me and I have not let them go.

I carry them around and place them within the context of Free Will and Predeterminism.  Ah yes, the concepts of Free Will and Predeterminism. I have listened to my teacher speak on these values in lectures, teachings and satsangs.  They co-exist, they are not opposing values. There is not some person, being, entity sitting in a chair watching over me, judging my every move. As Katrina pointed out to me the other day, that person is me. I am my own judge. And you can see here, and in the previous posts, this pull, this tug, this struggle that I endure is real.

I think. I think a lot. I reflect. I contemplate. I ponder. I consider these qualities a gift. I also accept them as obstacles. An obstacle to my growth.  I am in my own way.  My over analytical mind is constantly going, taking me in all of these different directions.  It lives on fear, fear inducing strategies to keep me in the same holding patterns…

I ask myself:

How do I get out of my own way?

What is getting in the way?

Okay, lets answer this.

Here is a conversation between my head and my heart:

What is getting in the way?

I am getting in my own way.

How am I getting in my own way?

By over analyzing, over thinking, over doing. Doing rather than being. Holding on to stories, narratives, feelings, projections, assumptions or how things should or are supposed to be. It is all encompassing, all-consuming this place. This place is paralyzing. It limits me in taking a step. What step should I take, what is the right step? What I am supposed to do? It is thick. Sticky. It is residue that holds, binds, traps, engulfs- swallowing me whole. 

What is this residue?

Fear. Fear of making a mistake, of getting it wrong.

Why do you feel you are going to make a mistake, get it wrong?

Because there have been moments in my life where I have made choices that have led me to places that, when I look back, I think, how did I allow that to happen? Why did I stay in that for so long? How did I endure that? Why didn’t I love myself enough?

Okay, so that happened. And.

And I am fearful that I cannot trust myself to not repeat those patterns, so it is easier to stay here, in the ever repeating same, known to protect myself.

Is that really what you want? Is that really how it is?

No, no, I do not like the ever repeating known. I do not like the same swirling. That is what I am in now, and I am tired of it. New things, new aspects arise from these same patterns and present themselves and I am grateful for this and I want new, something different.

What is the new different that you want? What is it that you seek?

Peace.

Ah, peace.

Yes, inner peace, a still mind. I am tired of this tug, this pull. This inner battle, this back and forth. I use my techniques. I get on my mat, on my cushion. I sit for practice, for sadhana. I utilize the tools so generously shared with me and I am still here. Still, meaning I feel like I should be beyond this already.

Ah yes, that you should be somewhere else, anywhere other than here.

Yes and no, I see that I have grown. I see that I have made changes. I see that I see. How I am aware of my patterns and tendencies. I see this. I am grateful. I also know that I am seeing this and in seeing this I am growing. That there is no place to go to, no place to arrive to, no end goal. All is constantly unfolding, revealing, unfurling and showing. Meeting me where I am and providing me opportunities to grow.

Okay, so….

So, I feel, I think that I should be doing something else

Is that really true?

A piece of it is. The conditioned part of me feels this. The part of me that focuses on those outside of me, their opinions, thoughts, projections and judgements. Another piece is that I do trust, I trust that when the moment is upon me to move I will. I take action. I am not sitting idle. I am participating in life. I am responding. I am doing. I am being. I am healing. I am meeting myself, meeting my whole self, the self that I have stuffed away, the self that I have been hiding from myself and others. I am allowing myself to be. I am exploring what it means to be me. What I enjoy. When I feel full. When I feel depleted. When I want to share. What I want to share. What I want to do. And I have the space to do this, to be with myself in this way.

Yes, you do. It is beautiful. So why are you rushing it?

I see that there are parts of me that are rushing, wanting to rush this time, this healing time, this time of growth. Parts that want it to be over because it hurts. It is painful. I feel that I have endured enough already. And I have. I also know that I endured this pain and hurt for so long, that it takes time to undo.

Yes, this undoing, unraveling requires time and commitment and that is what you are doing. Showing up and being committed to you, your growth and your healing. What will come is already on your way to you. It is already flowing to you Sara, everything in its time. Allow it to flow, in its own time. Not your preconceived notion of time.  Allow Beloved. Simply Allow. Soften in and allow. There is no wrong. You cannot get this wrong. You are not wrong. You being here is not a mistake. You are powerful beyond the capacity of your mind. Step out of the way. Surrender. Trust and allow.

Soften into this grace that is here. That is holding you. That is loving you.

For you are love itself.

Beloved.

Be. Loved.

Be held in the grace that is always here.

As I typed these last words, the final notes in the song The Father’s Heart by Tony Anderson played.

Yes, belonging. This longing to belong. This longing to be.

It is right here, accessible inside this breath.

It is so accessible I can touch it; I can be it.

Be loving.

To yourself and to others.

Hari Om,

S

PS. Another Post Script, writing what has come to me after I posted this…. I acknowledge that I have been hung up on the words “but you were supposed to move,” the words that someone else said to me, which I see as an invitation to trust myself. To turn inward and intuitively trust rather than seeking feedback, guidance and direction from another.

Choices, Judgements and Mistakes

The notion of forgiving myself continues to arise…it comes from this place of making mistakes and making mistakes because the ego wants to control or feel validated or right. I used to find others judging me, now I find myself judging myself. If you do not know this for yourself - I will share, it is exhausting. Draining. This constant pull of the mind. This back and forth between is this right, is this wrong? Is this good, is this bad? Did I make the right choice? Did I do what I was supposed to do?

This whole idea of judgement is built on a foundation of value. What do we place value on? Once we see what we value, then we are able to see through that lens the space where our judgments arise from.

When I find feelings of wanting to be validated, seen and/or recognized start to bubble up I know something is underneath it, trying to get my attention.

People make mistakes. I used to hold this thought to be true- because I too, make mistakes. Making mistakes is part of learning. Looking back, I am grateful when I make a mistake, all of the mistakes I have made because they are opportunities for me to learn, opportunities for me to grow. Recently, I have been asking myself, so then are they mistakes, as I have been told they are or rather, are they opportunities to grow? If they are opportunities for me to grow, which is what I choose to tell myself, even when the feeling of I made a mistake is there, then I need to be a little more kind to myself, a little more forgiving of myself.

You know what else is arising, the difference between making mistakes and doing something wrong. Huge. Doing something wrong is, has someone placing judgement, not being about to do something in someone’s eyes. Ready for this?  So does the using the word mistake. Embedded within the word mistake is the notion that we missed an opportunity to take, to do something. Mis, as a prefix means- not correct, lack, ill, wrong. So then, the word mistake actually has judgement within it. It implies that there was something that we aught to do, were meant to do, supposed to do and didn’t.

Mistakes and judgements. Wow. And this is how I have lived my life for so long. Living my life under the guise of mistakes and judgments. Not being able to live up to someone’s perception, someone’s projection, vision or view of me and feeling that my very existence, me being me is wrong. That the actions that I take, the choices that I make are bad.  This is so deeply engrained in me, that I am seeing that it is not only how others view me, it is how I view myself. This is how I view myself and I have the self -violent, self-hatred thoughts and dialogue present to remind me.

Intellectually, I know this is not how the world works. Cognitively, I know it is not how the universe is arranged. This view of wrong and judgment is not how Divine Mother created. I know this from experience of meeting myself, my true self. The Self that is beyond the mind, before the grip of ego. I know from experience being there, touching that, in that space there is no judgement only love. It’s just that I’ve lived in such a place of feeling ashamed and feeling that I have done something wrong and that I wasn’t worthy- for so long -for so long - for so long that it has become a way of being. Now that I am aware and wanting to step away, I feel the pull even stronger. The pull of this divisive mind- the one that knows that I am not bad, that I am love itself, that I can do no wrong, that I cannot make any mistake because there is no way that anything is supposed to be. No perfect way for it all to be. That there is, and always is, is an opportunity to learn. An opportunity to grow. An opportunity to evolve and move beyond the ever repeating known, the patterns that hold us stagnant and the same.

All of this is arising, bubbling up. I have felt it swirling and swirling around me, making its presence known and then today more bubbled up as it always does. I felt surprised, caught off guard. I was happily going along and then WHAM, just like that I get knocked, hit in the face, the floor collapsing below me and I began falling down, falling down into the depths. At tailspin speed. I’ve been here before, in the depths. I know when they come and summon me, but today, today?

See I have been playing with this notion of making choices and choosing what is best (already in using this word I am judging – it is that deeply engrained in me, glad I have the awareness to catch it and so tired that it is here)… I have been playing with the notion of choosing me and listening to my body and it has not been easy. Not been easy simply because I am so accustomed to listening to everyone else and ignoring my own body and putting everyone else before me.  I’m in this place of exploration, because it is new for me. It is nearly new in my lifetime to put me first, to listen to my body and honor what it needs. And yesterday, I listened to my body or at least what I thought my body needed and rested. I laid down and rested.

And today, I am second guessing my choice to rest. My choice to rest and not go to a concert that I wanted to go to. Or a concert that I had a desire to go to? Or a concert that I told myself I could go to?  A concert that was within reach and close, but for a moment felt far and distant. An opportunity to go and have fun and access that which I love- live music, sand, ocean and friends. A concert in which they played a song that I love. And I wasn’t there. The choice I made has me confused.  Was I making, oh, here it is again (so engrained) – was I making the right choice, was I making the right choice to rest, to listen to my body and give it rest or was I falling into an old pattern of giving in, of not taking care of myself energetically so that I became drained?  Was I drained or was that a familiar play of the mind? I cannot even keep up; it is confusing and tiring being here in this place.

This is my sos text to Katrina, I was swirling down at lightening speed. She held space for me as I vented, cried, shared myself fully!

Here is glimpse: Was I supposed to fight the old story of being tired and drained and push through by getting into the car and driving to the concert? Was I supposed to rest and let my body heal? Was I really tired? Was I really content with the other shows that I saw or did I want more? Was I seeking? If I was seeking, what was I seeking? What was I wanting? Was I playing safe, small? Was I repressing desire? Was fear a driver here? Was I repeating the ever repeating known of telling myself I do not deserve to have fun? That familiar story of being irresponsible? If I went, would they have played this song? Or was it only played because I was not there? What is underneath this… what is here? Why is this here? What am I meant to see? What wants to come to the surface to be seen? Why is it that this is only arising now, when last night I was content, fully confident and okay with my choice?

Are you confused trying to follow the back and forth of my mind? I am. I am tired by this constant pull of the mind. I am unsure about what I am to do, how to act, what choice to make that all I want to do is turn inward and not have to do anything (here is another thread, the feeling of having- being obligated to do).

Do you get what I am saying, do you feel this pull, this back and forth that sometimes feels like a yank to and fro? If you do, I am with you. You are not alone.  

Maybe you are thinking, why is she making such a big deal about something so little? That might be your viewpoint. For me, I see this as an entry point to something much bigger. This event, this moment, this opportunity is actually an access point. It is showing me that something is here, something that wants to be addressed, seen, highlighted to be deleted. This something is connected to other things, this is deep. Its reach is vast and wide, all encompassing. All of this is connected, like a huge tangled ball.

Do you know that phrase, damned if you do, damned if you don’t? I feel that like. I feel like I cannot win. Not that I want to win, but there is a piece of me that feels like I want to get it right, right in the sense of enough already, when am I going to catch a break, what more am I supposed to do. Right in the sense that I feel like I am getting it wrong. Making the wrong choices. That my choice to not go is being punished by the universe by playing my song that I long to hear live. It is tiring being me. I am tired of being me.

And that the same time I am being cracked open, tears are flowing and emotion is moving. A release is happening and it hurts.  I know it is of no use kicking myself when I am down. I know that I can access love and grace and stillness. I know that there is no judgement, that judgement exists only on the level of the mind. And yet, this is where I am. I am accepting this. This current moment, these feelings that are arising and moving through me. Is real. Real to me.

As you can see, there are levels in me that make sense. I know that the grasp, that this is, only the pull of the mind. There are also levels in me that are so gripped by this dynamic of being punished and rewarded that causes me to feel stuck in making decisions. What to do?

All I want to do is turn inward and live there. Live inside, by myself without having to make choices or interact with anyone or life. It feels like too much to interact and make choices because of the pull of the mind, the story of the conditioned mind.

And, I remember this is why I am here. To learn. To grow. To evolve.

With this, I choose to continue.

I breathe.

I step.

I move.

I forgive.

What else can I do? For what is done is done. No need to dwell on the past. No need to focus on the future.

This is an opportunity for me to learn, to drop judgement and the idea that I made a mistake.

All we need to do is be here, now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

In the ever unfolding of now.

S

P.S. The day after….

You know, I am not immune to what other people think of me. As I reflect on the moments that lead me to decide that I was not going to get into the car and drive to the concert, I acknowledge that fear was there. Fear of being blamed and shamed, being seen as irresponsible. At 44, I stepped into child mode and slinked away out of fear of being shamed and blamed, viewed with the critical eyes of judgement and didn’t do something that my heart wanted to do.

There is also a part of me that was tired, really exhausted and drained. That part is true too. The was a part of me that gave myself permission to rest, to stop and be.  I was okay with that.

It was only after, after the moment when I was at ease with my decision, when I learned new information that sent me into a tailspin. That uprooted me and had me swirling in the storm of self- doubt and confusion. And the only one responsible for any of this is me.

Me.

I take responsibility for this range of emotions, for these feelings, for these thoughts. I accept them, for they are real and they are here. Presenting themselves in a way that is loud and pronounced, in a way that gripped me, in a way I cannot ignore.

This is the threshold; this is the space where change happens. Where patterns are seen. Where the opportunity to drop what I have been carrying, the façade, the pretending, the living for someone else can be released.  Which leads me to this- whose life am living? A life for others or a life for me? It is here, on this threshold which I stand, where I ask this question. Do I want to continue to live my life for the approval of others or do want to live this life for me?

If it is to be, it is up to me. And while I know I cannot do it alone; I know that I trust myself as I take each step. Each step, bringing me closer and closer home to myself.

And this is the message that greets me today. Yup, I am exactly where I am meant to be.

The Purpose of Life

A thread of my life has revealed itself to me. I know I have become aware of it before, this is not new, yet now it is really here. Again and I am no longer able to ignore it, it is here, making its presence known. Loudly! Across contexts and experiences! Here for me to see!

Throughout my yogic studies, I have heard the teaching, “the purpose of life is to celebrate and liberate.” Celebrate. Liberate. These words resonate with me as I long to live a life, one in which I celebrate and feel free.  What I am noticing, is that somewhere along the way, I have picked up the notion that to celebrate and be free is irresponsible and bad. I have a deep rooted notion that having fun is careless behavior.  I know. I know. It is hard to type, even harder to read. Yet so important to address, to acknowledge, to let it come to the surface and be known.

As I read through my journal entries, I see a similar question posed, “Why do I not allow myself to have fun?” “Why am I so serious?” “Why can’t I let go and enjoy?”

These are real questions that I have asked myself over the years. These are real questions that I find myself exploring now. 

Why do I not allow myself to have fun?  I can think of many experiences in which I had fun or was having fun and then after, I have been punished, shunned, ignored, reprimanded even shamed. These experiences over time have led to a scarring of sorts, one in which I am fearful of ‘letting loose,’ ‘having fun,’ ‘experiencing joy, delight and pleasure’ because I tell myself that someone is going to have something to say about it or worse, that I am going to be punished for it. Actually, I am not sure which is worse. They both feel really icky.

Were you raised like this? This notion of cause and effect, if this happens- then that will happen?  This fear based notion that keeps us from living fully?  Don’t have too much fun, something bad is going to come of it. When you enjoy yourself, you are putting yourself at risk- risk of hurt, pain, trouble, someone else’s opinion of you.

I am seeing this so clearly now. I have gone through life, I have been living life in fear of having fun, letting loose, enjoying myself because someone might judge me, have an opinion of me, may deem my choice as bad.  As I have said, these fears are rooted in real experiences, as that which I fear has been reinforced, engrained in me over and over and over again.  Now that I see this, I am aware and it requires ALL of my attention to switch the negative thought pattern, to reestablish paths in my mind- to set things straight- it is okay to have fun. It is more that okay to have fun. Actually, it is more than okay to have fun. These patterns are so engrained that the feelings come quick, they sneak up on me- like the cloak over my head and I am swirled up in shame, blame, self- judgement and self-doubt. It requires immense attention and a focused intention to shift this pattern in the moment. It also requires forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness.

Acknowledge. Accept. Forgive.

A few weeks back I was reading a magazine and learned that the Black Crows were playing on the Summer Stage at the Stone Pony.  Crows have been speaking to me and I thought, why not. GO. This would be a very spontaneous event for me and a huge step- to go to a concert by myself. By myself. So, as my heart raced (which I am learning is a signal to say yes, do this- step out of your comfort zone, live rather than be stuck in fear and sucked into worry and doubt) I purchased the ticket.

I arrived at the venue and did some self-talk- you have been to a concert before, it is okay to be here alone, you have done things alone before. I caught myself feeling self-conscious, worried and scared as I walked on the boardwalk before the show. What is this, I asked myself, you have traveled in the world alone and you are fearful, here, now.  What arose was- what will folks think of me… as soon as I caught that thought I smiled. Yes, yes, this is connected to the other thread- living and making decisions based on what other people think of me. Right, I thought, it is all connected, all of this is connected.

As I made my way through the crowd, I reminded myself that I am taking big steps. Each small step is actually a huge step.  As the opening band ended, they began to clear the stage and set it for the Black Crows. I stood. I watched. What I saw had me in awe, absolute awe. One of the stage crew was carrying Nataraj- a murti of the dancing form of Shiva. Yes, yes, yes. For this alone I am meant to be here. For me to see this, this is why I came. Nataraj- the dancing form of Shiva, who dances on the demon/ignorance surrounded by a ring of fire in the burning grounds. Yes. Yes. Yes.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I cannot make this up!

I made my way to that side of the stage in awe. Nataraj, who symbolizes the choice to live this life as a dance rather than a burden. What an incredible offering to receive, as I showed up to a concert all by myself. Choosing to live. To enjoy. To dance. To sing. To celebrate. To have fun. To experience pleasure. To experience delight. To feel free. To be free. To actually be free from constraints of my mind, thoughts that I think others may or may not have of me. What does it matter? Really though, what does it matter? 

This is what I am softening into to, this notion that for so long I have lived my life according to what others think I should do, how my life should be, accepting judgements and shame for the choices that I make. 

I am not bad.

I am not wrong.

I am not irresponsible.

Me being me is not bad.

Me being me is not wrong.

Me being me is not being irresponsible.

I am not being punished by some invisible person sitting in a chair in the clouds watching my every move, making a tick on a list when, according to some one, some system or some organization I have done something good or bad.

Good or bad according to who? Whose standards have I been focused on? Whose way of life have I been living or trying to live up to? See this is the thing - when we live our lives for someone outside of ourselves, we will always be let down and always let someone down because we cannot live to someone else’s standard or expectation- it’s not possible. Someone will always have an opinion, judge, have some sort of view or comment about what we do.

What we can do is rise, step aside and as a witness observe these behaviors as they are happening or reflect after, to that see that this not ours and not let it impact us. I am seeing, again, another layer revealed to not let others interfere with my being. My, when I pause to think about how much energy I have diverted and given to try to live up to someone else’s view of me, to fit into to a mold of how they want me to be, to live… wow. This is something that I do, less frequently now, but did all of the time. I was exhausted. Spent. Drained. Tired. Until I became aware. Now that I am aware, I have a choice. I can choose if I want to respond when someone says something to try to shame me or place blame on me. I can choose if I want to wear their opinion like a comfy sweater, familiar and known, or I can say no thank you. No thank you, your opinion, your view, your judgement of me is not aligned with who I am, how I perceive myself and what I know to be true to me. No thank you, this is yours, not mine and I am returing it to the sender, the originator of the thought, opinion- giving it back to you. I am no longer taking off- loads and others stuff. I am done with that.

The more and more I get to know me, the more and more I am able to stand firm and not allow the events of life impact me and throw me off course. The more and more I access the truth of who I am, the more connected and confident I am in me, in knowing that life is happening for me - actually happening through me and each action, each interaction, each choice is an opportunity for me to learn and grown.

A big step. A small step.  A huge step.

A step at a time.

That is what we do, take one step. One step at a time.

Step. Step. Step.

Love you,

S

After the show, I walked on the sand, touched the ocean and turned around to see the moon. I took myself to the boardwalk and enjoyed a strawberry ice cream cone- all by myself. Pure Bliss. This is the life I live, this is the life I love. Be in JOY!

The Greatest Gift is Also an Obstacle

I have heard this in the teachings, this phrase has come to me in time. I have even repeated it, shared it with others and passed it along.  I had an understanding of this teaching and today, this morning in my practice, it revealed a new layer of meaning to me. I accessed it in a deeper way.

I have often asked myself, Why do I care?  Why do I care so much? Why do I care so much that it hurts?  It occurred to me, that if I switch out the word care with love, it presents a whole new opportunity to see.

Why do I love?

Why do I love so much?

Why do I love so much it hurts?

Simply swapping out the words care and love offers me a grace, a space to see, to discover, to grasp the energy that drives me.

I love.

I love so much.

I love deeply.

This I know to be true.

I also know that I trust. I am trusting of others.  I trust others right from the start. I am so trusting of others. I trust that no one will do me harm, no one will seek out an opportunity to hurt me. I trust others. I trust them when they speak, I honor their word.  When I meet someone, I give them my total trust. I am open and honest and expect that others are too. I do not think that anyone is out to get me, to deceive me, to lie to me or to play a trick on me. I am trusting.

I am loving.  I am trusting.

I also have a brain, one that I use. I have a mind that thinks, that reflects, that contemplates, that wonders. One that is curious, one that attempts to make meaning, to understand the world around me. This very mind also uses me. It takes me to the depths of worry and self doubt, it conjures up stories, willingly taking on narratives that others have of me and making them mine, part of my identity- part of the view I have of myself. I begin to see myself through the lens of others rather than staying true to me.

Here, when this happens I get pulled into illusion. This delusion where I fumble around trying to discern what is real. It is a huge game, a huge mind fuck. One where I have said numerous times, I do not want this brain. I want a new mind. I no longer want to carry this around.

It is the pull of the mind that has me intrigued. This ego mind. This pull of ego, this desire of ego.

Why do I care?

Why do I seek answers?

Why do I want to know?

What is behind it all?

What is at the root of this longing?

And as I ponder all of this, everything that I have typed here happens in my mind at full speed, I can hold all of this at once and it happens quickly… so as this entered into my mind this morning during my practice, a practice that involved focusing on my breath and slowing it down, balancing the right and left sides of my body, the left and right sides of my brain and bringing them into harmony it was these words that appeared:

Your Greatest Gifts, are Your Biggest Obstacles

Isn’t that so.

Wow.

I had not had this awareness before, or if I did I was fleeting and did not last, it came and went. Like someone telling your something and thinking you would remember it.

It came and went. I did not learn it. Maybe a piece of it, an aspect, a part. To me, no, that is not how learning works. I do not hear something once and remember it. It does not embed itself into the fabric of my being, the very essence of me. What I am discovering is that I learn something and then learn it again and again and again. Each time it is as if it is the first. This discovery, this meaning, this dawning, this AH AHA!

This moment during my morning practice presented another opportunity to me to see, for me to learn, for me to discover.

I love.                          I trust.                         I have a mind.

It is the combination of these three gifts that are incredible, that make me, me.

It is the very combination of these three obstacles that challenge me to see, me, all of me.

I care. I love.

It is beautiful to care. It is unique to love. These are two qualities that make me and I cherish them. I would not trade caring or loving, regardless of the immense pain and hurt I have experienced by embracing the two. I have to type that again to really read and see my words- I would not trade caring or loving, irrespective of the immense pain and hurt I have endured by welcoming these two qualities in my life. They are ways of being. I truly cannot, because I have tried, not care or not love. I do not how to do make that possible. I do not know how to not love. It is impossible for me to not love. To not be invested. To not care. This is something I do not know how to do. I have tried and it is not possible. I see now it is not possible, because the very essence of me is love. And to deny this would be to deny myself.

This poses a challenge because there are many folks who fear love, who are opposed to love, who reject love and resist its very essence. They build up walls and create shelters to protect themselves from hurt. I know this because I have done this very thing. I have shut folks out or off out of fear of being figured out, hurt, used or deceived.

Yes, deceived. Which brings me to another one of my gifts. My ability to trust. I trust whole heartedly and this trust has brought me face to face with those who lie. Those who shield and protect out of fear, avoid or off load responsibility saying it is not my place or I didn’t think I needed to say anything. I have even had folks not tell the truth because they wanted something and in being truthful they knew they could not get what they wanted. Yes, this being truthful has me seeing others as they turn to lies, being deceitful and carrying secrets.  It is icky.

And here is where the gift of having a mind comes in, it swirls and entangles itself with the loving and truthfulness and this combination creates a perfect storm of a mind fuck. Leaving me wondering what is real?  What is real here? What was real? What was the truth? What is the truth? Can I trust? It is worth loving? Why do I care?

See how I come full circle? It is exhausting. This pull of the mind, this dance of the mind, this desire of the mind to know, to make meaning, to make sense, to understand.

Ah, I am reminded of a post I wrote many moons again about my desire to understand- to under stand. To stand under someone. Similarly, to feel inferior, to feel in fear. In fear of someone who has power over, to stand under someone who is dominating.

Yes, yes, yes, I see. I see this clearly. When I want to understand, I am feeling inferior, giving away my power, turning my power and my strength over to someone, giving it up, giving it to someone to have, to hold. And it is in this place, from this place that I seek. I want. I desire.

Because, really, I know. I know. I know. All that I need to know is already within me, I simply need to stop, slow down, turn inwards and listen.

Rather than make sense or understand, I seek to discover. For I no longer want to be held in the grip of anyone and I know that the behavior of others and their choices are a reflection of them only, not me. Yes, I seek to uncover the truth that is always here, the love that is always here.

Everything that is necessary will always, ALWAYS be revealed. It always has and it always will.

For this I know.

I know this to be true.

Embracing these gifts that are obstacles. Obstacles for me to see me for who I am, for what I embody and stand for.

Love and truth.

So many opportunities come my way to remind me that I cannot control or take responsibility for anyone else except me and so this is what I do.

I am learning that I can love and the greatest act of love is to be truthful and honest to myself, for myself and to allow everyone to be on their own path, their own journey.

I love and tell the truth. To myself and to others. Even when it is hard.

I choose to live in and with this integrity. I do it for me, for no one else except me.

For this is where I meet myself. This is where I am myself.

 In love and in truth.

 Sara

This is the recording I made after the practice, the words that inspired this piece:

Until NOW

I was delighted and swirling with bliss and enthusiasm after I wrote that last piece. This piece consists of two messages that I left for friends, celebrating the awareness that came as I wrote. Here they are transcribed:

First message:

The very words that you were speaking in your message to me, were the very words that I was typing at the same time. This idea of constriction, being bound and held. We also spoke about the octopus the other day and how at times the octopus can be holding on, giving its love, tasting you, holding you, not trying to hurt, rather it is curious and exploring you. There is this.

This is the first full day that I am not writing in my journal, giving myself space to condense if you will; pressing a pause, allowing all that is swirling to saturate.

And as I started typing I realized, oh my, I have been taking responsibility for other people’s stuff and thinking that I caused it. Thinking, that I alone, that something that I did or didn’t do, it feels like something that I have done that makes me deserving of their shit, their lies, because in some way I am bad or tarnished and them lying to me is what I get in return. NO, IT HAS NOTHNG TO DO WITH ME AT ALL, what they do is what they do, it has NOTHING to do with me at all, it is not my responsibility.

I hear Anand Ji saying, take radical responsibility for being you, every action. That is what I am doing. I am owning and accepting every action, every action. And it is hard. And it is glorious. And it is so freeing, to know myself in this way is so incredibly freeing and to know that I was willingly taking on other people’s shit that they were off loading on me.

When you hear this, this blame, this off-loading over and over again you become accustomed to it and you start to internalize it and think that it is true, or real or that you caused it That your very existence causes other people to treat you that way. This is a huge awareness that I am coming to or that I have come to, as I am sure there will be many more layers that will be revealed.

Here is another transcribed message:

Alright, you know I called you the other night and you didn’t answer which is totally fine because I would have not been able to hear what you had to say because I was in the thick of it. And yesterday you called and said call me. I did and you happened to have just the right amount of time for me to open up and for you to be able to share words with me that resonated so deeply.

So, I told myself I am not allowed to write in my journal. It is not a bad thing, but the last time I did not write for an extended period of time was in 2017, so I am giving myself an entire week to not write in my journal. I can type, but when I type it is more concise and when I journal it is more of a free flow.

So, I am typing. I told myself, type, because it feels like things are happening really, really fast while simultaneously things are unfolding in a slow way, it’s a both and. I started writing today and it became so clear to me, that for so, for my entire existence I have felt that my actions have caused someone else to be some way. And yesterday you spoke so clearly to me, you said, “No, you didn’t cause it.”  And I have heard this at Al-Alon, I have heard it before, I actually read it in my journals, I read it recently in my first journal. You didn’t cause it… as I was sitting there, writing, the clarity was dawning on me as I was writing, “Oh my, I have willingly taken responsibility for other people’s actions, people have off loaded their shit on me, because they do not want to deal with it themselves. Why are they passing their shit on me? Because they do not want to take responsibly for their shit, but that is the thing, people have consistently done this and I have so willingly been receptive to other people’s shit because I knew no other. I have been so conditioned to willingly and unknowingly take people’s shit.” It’s like I am a coat hook and people off load their stuff because it makes them feel icky so they put it on me. They think, “I feel really icky inside because what I wanted to happen didn’t and I don’t like this feeling so I am going to blame Sara.” And I would take it, until now.

So now, I am able to go back and really look with a different lens, in a different way, no this is not my shit. Which is related to a thread of something similar that I went through this winter, it is not my shit, not mine to take on so I am going to give it back to you, but this time it feels like there is a different layer, a new perspective.

Thank you. Thank you. If you cannot tell through this smile and my voice this enthusiasm, this awareness is huge, this clarity and awareness is huge. When it comes to people being honest with me or people having alliances, or feeling in fear- Oh wow, have you ever thought about that, inferiority, has the word fear in it, subordinate, inferior, because you are in fear of the other person. And I think that happens sometimes with alliances and secrets, what is so and so going to think of me if they find out…, the secretive what if and should.

So, I think to myself, if people are being honest or not with me, it does not really matter. What matters is that I acted and I asked. I acted because I care about myself enough, I love myself enough to speak up. And I asked. I asked. And I stay with that. With this and it is incredible.

as I walked back to my car after leaving these messages, I found this in the grass, right next to a garbage can. Yes, Yes, Yes, Shedding skin and throwing away that which is no longer needed, that which no longer serves.

Me. My Self and I

So much has been swirling these past few months it feels hard to keep track of.  It feels as if change is happening fast, swift, and I am feeling the after draft of it all.  No thing is bad, actually it is magnificent to witness, to live, to be in all of this, to be with this as it arrives in real time.

I have not given myself space to sit, to allow this all to land, to be integrated and that is what I am doing now.  I received an invitation in mediation to stop writing in my journal for a week. Yes, a whole week.  The last time that happened was back in 2017 when I took a month off from writing. At that time things were swirling fast as well.  I can only see that now, looking back.

It’s interesting isn’t it. We only connect the dots, make meaning, make sense of what has occurred, after it occurs. As it is unfolding, it is unfolding in the now and all there is, is the present moment. The mind sweeps in after and attempts to either make sense or what I am currently witnessing myself is that clarity comes and I can see clearly.  What I am experiencing though is not that I am in a fog or haze while life is happening, it is just happening quickly. There is a quickening that is occurring. While this may seem odd to read, it also feels as if things are moving very slowly, slowly in the sense that there is no rush to what is occurring. Rather it is coming in its time.

What I can say, for I know this to be true, is that the lessons that I am learning now have huge impacts and ripples. They are multi- layered, multi-tiered and it is quite clear to what is being addressed.

Standing my own ground. Trusting myself, my inner voice and guidance.

I have to say, this does not always make sense. Nor is it what I had planned or thought. What I am being asked to do at times feels so far out of my comfort zone - my familiar habits and patterns, which is why I know I need to do it, to take action, to break these trends and routines, these habitual ways of interacting with the world, events and people that swirl around me. In the past, I have had a strong tendency to move toward controlling outcomes and wanting to know everything. This desire to know is so strong. So strong. This pull of the mind to make sense, to categories, to make everything fit into neat compartments, categories, to grasp, to make meaning. To answer, why is this happening to me?

And there it is.

There is the root.

It is not happening to me.  It is happening for me.  All is happening for me.  When the pull of the mind comes, it yanks me back into the past, questioning and doubting what I have done. Yet, that only happens after. Only after something happens, do I feel the pull of the mind bringing me in to the past with a lens of doubt, shame, worry and fear.  Yes, this only comes after.

All I can do is be responsible for me. What I can do is take radical responsibility for me, my choices, my actions. I am not responsible for the actions of others.  I did not cause the actions of others. I did not cause the actions of others. I did not cause the actions of others.

What others have done or what others do, is a direct result of them.

What I am seeing now, so clearly, it is coming as a type, is that others have consistently placed blame on me for their actions. I have been their scapegoat. I have been the one whom they off load their shit on to. For so long, I have willingly stood there and allowed myself to take their shit, like a coat rack, taking layer upon layer, upon layer as they off load, peeling away responsibility and laying it on me.

Until now. Wow. I see this. I see how I have willingly and unknowingly taken responsible for other people’s shit. Feeling that I have somehow caused them to act.  I can hear their words in my mind, “you made me do this.”  “This is all your fault.”  “If you hadn’t ________, then this wouldn’t have happened.”

To be honest, that is how they feel, how they felt. That was their truth. And each layer they peeled off, I willing began to wear. Until now.

I woke up to greet this delightful surprise that bloomed over night!

Nope. No. I did not cause you to do this or that. I am not responsible for this or that. That is your responsibility. You are responsible for yourself and yourself only. I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for you.

I am no longer accepting responsibility for you.

No longer yielding and holding secrets. No longer sitting passive and silent.

No. No longer.

For I see this. I see this pattern and how it has been playing out, over and over and over again.

Different situations, different people. Same pattern.

I fall into the same trap each and every time. Or rather opportunities to see this are offered again and again and again. Of course, there are slight variations in how the experience shows up, but really what is happening is similar, - shining light on the trend, the habit, the conditioned ways that I have become accustomed to. Willingly taking responsibility, bearing the weight of your actions. Feeling as if it is my fault, as if it is me that caused this horribleness, this pain, this hurt. Feeling that I deserved it.

Taking your stained shit, your tarnished shit and hiding it, burying it away so you can feel good. So, you can feel lighter. So, you do not have to carry the blame. So you do not have to face yourself.

Until now, in this knowing, in this seeing I am free. I am light. Floating. No longer bound by your tethers, your shackles, your hooks, your words.

Yes, I once was bound. Yes, I once bought into your illusion- that your actions were my fault. That your lies, your unfaithfulness, the secrets that you keep are a result of me being me.

Guess what? 

They are a result of you being you.

I am facing my shit. I am taking responsibility for my shit. Radical responsible. Total Acceptance. It is not pretty. It is not easy. And yet is it freeing.

It is freeing to not be held by stories and narratives, the should and what ifs. Society’s rules of protecting and alliances.  That, my friends is all based in fear.

I know, because I was drawn into the fear-based narrative. This, the fear that grips, that grabs a hold. This fear that tightens your chest and creates a lump in your throat. This fear is the fog that surrounds, that envelopes and keeps you in the illusion, that the very secrets that you keep, the very alliances that you hold are protecting you.

I know because I have lived there. Lived there. Lived, meaning, no longer. I am no longer bound by the what ifs or the thoughts that you have of me.  They have no meaning. No value.

The only thing I value is myself. My truth. Me.

For this is the only thing that I have, that remains consistently with me. This is why I am here, to learn about me, to meet myself.

Thank you, for your very actions, your silence, what is said in the gaps and spaces between the words speak volumes. Yes. Volumes.

Thank you for propelling me, thrusting me forward at this fast rate. Thank you for the opportunity to meet myself, to take radical responsibility for myself and my actions, my choices and my words.

For I am the only one I have to answer to.

I am the only one whose opinion matters.

Everything else falls silent. All of the words, the stories, the justifications, the excuses they are all there for you only. For you only. Not for me.

I no longer need excuses. I no longer need to justify.

I no longer need to know.

I no longer need to know.

You have shown me that which I am interested in. That which I want to place my attention, where I want to spend my energy.

And it is on me.

Me. Myself and I.

Me. My Self. I.

Here it is, again....

I really can’t make this up. 

So, I am working on my book. I am going through each journal and reading them, starting at the very beginning.  As I read, I am marking, tagging lines and phrases, entries and reflections that strike me.  I have had a general idea of the process, the route I am taking and I am also remaining open to what wants to flow. 

You can see evidence of this written as the word Death? is written in red on the paper.  Do I want to explore the threads of death?  Below, later that day in a different pen, I wrote Look for self-approval.

This morning, I glanced my desk and saw these written words and laughed out loud. Read what is says:

Look for self- approval

What? No. No. No. No thank you this is not what I want. No way, looking for self approval is what I want to avoid, to transcend, to do no longer. No longer seeking the external validation, looking outside of my self for approval. If you read a previous post, you would know that this is really arising for me now. And I have an inkling that it is woven throughout the pages of my 84 journals.

Oh the power of words. If we are not aware, we can set intentions and bring that which we do not want directly to us…

My intention is not to look for self-approval, rather it is to notice, become aware of the threads and patterns that are written within the entries of my journals over the past 25 years that speak to looking to others for self approval.  That is what I meant when I wrote the note yesterday, to literally look for the word or reference to the idea while reading.  Then today as I read the note “Look for self-approval,” I laughed. Laughed at myself. Here it is. In that moment I was noticing that I was aware of its dominance in my life, how pronounced it is.

Look for self- approval. And it is not just “Look for self approval,” it is starred, indicating this is important. Marking, making it stand out. Attention is drawn to it. My eyes were drawn to it, as to say, DO NOT FORGET TO DO THIS. This is very important.

*Look for self approval

Oh my, how long have I been looking outside of myself to determine my self worth?  How long have I been looking outside of myself, to others for my worthiness?  How deep is the path I have forged in this seeking, this searching, this looking?

It is a practice to step back into time and read what I wrote.  It is a practice. One that I am strong enough to do, to handle. I am able to meet myself there, in that pain, hurt, confusion, sadness for I know I have endured. I know I have survived. I have continued on.

And I continue to do so.

With open arms, I embrace you in your fullness.

There is no one else for you to be.  Only you.

This is the journey, to come home to ourselves. To be at home in ourselves. To be at home within ourselves. To be home as ourselves.

When you know who you are, you are free.

When you know who you are, you are free.

When you know who you are, you are free.

Be free.

Love you.

Sara

this is what I wrote to clarify… there are power within words and the space between the words

Approval. Ah, Approval

I have not written in a while, there was a period of time when I did not have access to a computer… this piece was written in my journal and I am typing it here to be shared.

May 25th

Life really is what you make of it

You can have it go your way, against you, in your favor….

However you choose to look at it, events, moments, words

What you make of it from that perspective, that lens is how it is

How it becomes

Life is how you choose to see it

How you choose to engage with it

The state, gaze, perspective in which you meet it, receive it.

What you make it out to be

How you see it, store it in memory

Which is why it can shift, be altered, changed with new awareness

What if I held to my initial gut instincts? To turn way, to keep away

Then what, what would be offered? Intrigued by this.

What is real?

All of it

What is, what was, what could have been

Did I override or did I soften in to explore

Was I adaptable or fixed

I wasn’t fixed but what would it have been if I remained fixed

When to act?

When not to? – while all is action, choosing or not

It is, they are both choices

Closed or open

How do I know when

What are the signs, signals, messages

That is it- How do I trust myself?

This is what comes up?

Am I trustworthy?

Can I trust myself?

Yes, Sara, my goodness, to even ask this

You are so hard on yourself

You are fine, more than fine

You are living, choosing, learning, growing

There is no one way to be

Or a supposed to

These are internal questions

Was I supposed to do that, say that, take that action, choose that, go in that direction

Here is the play- the mind fuck

How do I know-

According to whose standards, whose judgements

Whose opinions

What am I seeking here

Approval

Oh… wow…needing approval

From whom

Of whom

Myself

Yes acceptance and self-approval

That I can sit comfortably with what arose

Transpired and be

Approval

The arrow I drew from Sundays’ ceremony

Shadow side

Approval

To be with this, to welcome this

It’s arrival…

With a hug,

Sara

Be With The Intensity of Life

This piece was written on May 6th in my journal, I am typing it to share it here with you.

We cannot plan, speak, choose to not speak, to do based on what we think might happen, what could happen.  How it will be received.

This is the resistance, the resistance is here in the thinking, planning, wanting, projecting, controlling, seeking- something outside of ourselves.

We don’t ___________ because ___________.

I don’t ______________ because __________.

It is this fear of what might that is so strong, such a strong pull. This rejection, this alienation.

Look deeper – what is at the root? What is below? What is attached, holding this- holding yourself back?

Why are you holding yourself back from speaking, acting, doing?

If all that you care about- if this is what you have studied and prepared for then why not speak? What will happen? What is the worst that will happen?

What someone says is not the way- not the way- not the only way.

It doesn’t have to be fair, right, wrong- your way or my way

It is what needs to happen-

What is necessary- without attachment, judgement, emotion, fear?

What is being called to action, to be awakened, enlivened, acted upon?

This is it- this- this is how not living in the moment restrains us, holds us back, limits us.

It is this, this is why we live in the now, because it is the how the universe responds- gives back. This is what we feed into the universal field of energy- that which we put out.

This is the invitation I am being called to see.

The restriction, anxiety, fear, holding, is caused not by acting now- not speaking our hearts desire. Because there are so many should, what if’s.

Commit. Choose and all other will fall into place, fall in line, come together.

This is it. Choose, now. We have the choice now. Choose now then the universe realigns and rearranges.

Speak that which you want, which you see clearly, which your heart calls for.

Say it, sing it, allow it out- to be expressed, heard

Your deepest longing- call, allow Mother to hear you.

The resistance is energy, blocked energy. There is so much energy, it feels tight, heavy, dense, it is known. If it is known, then in it is availability to be used to transform. It is available for us to tap into- to access for us to shift as the catalyst.

The anxiety is the sign that there is energy that is there that wants to move. Move it. Use it productively, in a wise way- toward evolution.

This is the subtleness of Mangal (Mars) - anxiety and passion are so close, so close, so close in feeling.  It is passion, this knowing and it wants to flow, flow freely, not be restricted by thoughts, constructs of the mind, money, boundaries.

The resistance is present to show how much energy is there, ready to move to help you shift, to change, to release.

Resistance is suffering, resistance causes suffering.  There is no quick fix. There is no magic. It is about the decision, what is needed in the moment. Act in this moment, act in the need of the hour. Adapt to the current need.

The match to the flame. Strike, friction is needed.

It’s about speaking up for what wants to be said.

Fully and Free.

Like hear me roar. I wanted, I thought I would edit, revise, move pieces around so it flowed.

And I noticed last night while S was reading the piece, I witnessed that the piece ungulates like my own journey, gaining momentum, energy, voice, strength to speak up, stand up.

I did.

Then, I’d fall into self-doubt, worry. I’d debate myself, question. These are the fluctuations.

Be with the intensity of life. Be with all of life. All of life, the highs, the lows, the plateaus, all of it. Be here. Present. Not running away or avoiding.

Sit with it, be in it.

Knowing it will pass and the anticipation, the thinking of how or what it will be is the hardest part.

Being with it all and encouraging you to do the same- what else is there to do?

Sara

Seeing Myself in Others and Others as Mysel

This piece was written in my journal and I am sharing it here now with you.

May 5th

So much of my practice is regulating the nervous system to be with the fluctuations and ebbs and flows. To be with all that is.

I have also grown to see, observe when I am playing out the ever repeating known over and over- reactivating, reawakening, re-enlivening the patterns, the views, stances- seeking the external validation.

I see it within myself now because I see it in others. I see myself in others. My old patterns, trends, ways, vocabulary, choices of words, stances, fixation, repeating, playing out.

This is seen.

I see this.

In awe,

Sara

Witnessed

A ceremony, like coming home

Unveiling, being revealed

Seen for the first time again

All of the energy and dedication, put towards growth over time

The colorless sap that rose from the earth, up the core

Through the stem,

The drive that kept nudging,

pushing through the resistance to ascend

To continue to rise up, to push up, to break through

enduring the external storms, the floods, the ice,

the crushing weight of a foot

Only to rise,

To continue to rise

Answering the call of nature

By accessing the earth, the backing from the earth

Her energy, flowing, continuously flowing

up, up, up

she ascends

Punching through the outer wall to take a new form

sprouting a leaf,

then a bud

Sending her energy towards this evolution, this change

Not knowing why

while trusting this is what is needed

What is necessary

What she is called to do

feeling the support of the earth, the fertile soil and grounds that hold

That nurture, that nourish

The winds that dance around her

The water that collects, pooling around her,

Soaking, absorbing

Receiving all that she can

Accessing this power, internal power

To maintain energy, the drive, the inner will to express herself fully

To share her essence, her fragrance, her beauty

Surprising herself with her intensity

That draws you in to take a look

To witness this blossoming, this opening

This courage to push beyond that which is known,

That which she knew

This divine expression that was set before she was even a seed

That came from the flowers before her, and before them

With the support of the bees,

the integrated, organized system of sustenance

That she contributes to

That she now gives back to

Adds to

by simply being

Her

As Within, So Without

Sometimes I find myself totally engulfed, tangled up in a web of shoulds, self-doubt, shame, obligation and worry. I continue to explore how to separate myself from these stories and thoughts that occur.

Sometimes I ask myself, who am I? Who is this that is having these thoughts? Is it me? Is it someone else? Who has these thoughts that come towards me, that arrive out of what feels like no where?

Sometimes I turn to mantra, shifting the focus of my attention from the story to a phrase that I repeat over and over again.

Sometimes I have compassion for myself, noticing that I am caught in the snare, reminding myself that this too, is an opportunity to grow.

And then my friend Corrine offered me the practice of envisioning the other person, whom I am feeling particularly connected to, as a complete stranger and asking myself the same questions I am asking myself about someone near and dear, the very someone I feel attached and obligated to. This very thought had me laughing out loud, full on cackling out loud.

Yes!  This is amazing. It is so easy and there is an absurdity to it, to speaking the stories out loud rather than keeping them in my mind and pairing this with the vision of a total stranger, with whom I have no connection with at all.

The questions of Do I? and Should I? disappear and clarity arrives.

Profound.

This is genius thinking. This simple offering has so many implications. It provides me the space to see with clarity, to not be clouded by stories or relationships of the past and brings me right here now.

As I said, I have been exploring this non-attachment for some time, finding ways to not feel obligated and responsible for others and take action from a place of inner knowing without wavering in the sea of shoulds.

When I see or pretend someone is a stranger, I do not have the emotional connection, emotional attachment or drama triangle connection - being a victim, hero or villain. It has nothing to do with the other person, it is all about forgiveness for myself because the other person is just being themselves.

It is that I am, either too emotionally invested, connected or intertwined with the story, pattern or dynamic that I feel I need to act or respond in a certain way to maintain consistency, normalcy, predictability the way it has flowed. That is what many people like. Folks, in my experience do not like to be pushed out of their comfort zone, in the same way that I do what I can to control environments, they do the same. And I have a tendency to do whatever I can to make others feel at ease and comfortable. I am a master at that, distorting myself, bending myself and ignoring aspects of myself to provide ease for others. So grateful for the opportunity to see this!

What I am seeing is that part of my practice of detachment is to see them as a stranger so I can practice dropping all of the attachment and the connections that bind me to the need to provide ease for them and dis-ease for me.

This is the practice of becoming a witness, to step away, to distance, to remove myself from the situation at hand. To watch as if it was playing out on a stage or movie set and to be in the audience rather than an actor playing its role. To observe this play, this act and the players in it from a removed stance, from a stance as an an audience member or someone on the set, not a part of the cast. Stepping away from my role, from my roles that I have come to know so well I do not even know I am acting. I have embodied the character, I have become them and from that place I act. I interact. Yet, when I become an observer and have that scene play out with strangers rather than familiar characters who also are familiar in the roles they play- I see something new. I see from a new perspective, a new vantage point. I become the witness rather than a participant and this very action, this step helps me see clearly. Provides me an opportunity to see the script, the patterns that we have fallen into, that we know so well we act and interact from this place, dutiful and committed to our roles.

Yes, this is genius. I have written about this before. I have experienced this to a degree before. This is a whole new layer, a whole new lens from which I can see. The clouds, the fog, the smoke, the haziness has cleared and there is immense clarity.

As within, so without.

Yesterday, while driving this came to me:

If we allow ourselves to become absolutely empty, with nothing there, then nothing can become attached, nothing can land. Nothing can stay, nothing can remain in this place of emptiness that isn’t void, it is full, it is intelligent. Its just there. In this empty space there is no trauma, drama, victimization- all of that has been healed or transcended and when that no longer remains, then it, all of the stories and feelings that come with them do not have a place to land, nothing to cling to, nothing to be held in.

When you access nothing, nothing is there, there are no thoughts, when you become nothing, nothing can affect you.

I know this to be true from my mediation and practice through which I access a space within where there are no thoughts, no ideas, no shoulds or need tos. There is nothing in this space, but it is not empty in the sense that it is a void, scarce. Rather this space is full of pulsing energy, pulsing with an aliveness that is so real that nothing is more important than it. This space is the present moment. It is me in my fullness. Beyond thoughts, stories, needs, and avoidances. Pure presence. Me. Where nothing can touch me, shift me, distract me, divert me. Nothing. This space where I am untouchable, unlocatable. Not clinging to a story or identity, a position or narrative. It is simple. It is vast. It is beautiful.

With this, I know that there is a space that is accessible, beyond the stories and narratives, beyond the negative aspect of the mind, the one that tends to hold me in a staying pattern of the ever repeating known.

This space in which I access the essence of me, the truth of who I am, this space in which I am learning to live in and from, responding to the requests and needs (sometimes those which feel like demands of others), from the space of knowing me, the essence of me, from a place of what is best for me. When I am here, I am claiming my truth, standing firm, accessing the inner voice and not overriding it with the stories of should, need to and the feelings of obligation.

And with each step I take, each action I make, each sound I voice I am coming home to myself.

As within, so without. As I access this knowing within, I can also access this knowing without. This knowing of observer, witness, not attaching or clinging to any thoughts or ideas, emotions or feelings. Simply noticing, watching. This is accessible within, in my mediation practice. This is accessible, without in my practice of everyday, that which we call life.

Genius. Pure Genius.

It is possible. The question is, are you willing?

With a hug,

Sara

Letting Go to Accept or Is It Accepting to Let Go?

Another practice of detachment, not being attached, letting go

I wrote the previous piece It’s a Both And a few days ago. Then after a mediation with Matheus, I had a huge awakening, realization and as soon as I came out of the mediation, I added words that flowed freely in.

Rereading the piece, I combined the previous part with the new addition and made it flow. After letting it sit, I returned to it and I felt that there were two different pieces within the one and that they would be better separate. So, I choose to cut a few paragraphs, moving them to a new document for a new piece. While reading over It’s a Both And again, I found a few more parts that felt they would be better suited in the second piece, so I cut those as well.

I published It’s a Both And, realizing only after that I had not pasted the most recent cut piece into the new document, so I did that. What I did not catch, was that I had actually copied It’s A Both And piece from Word into Squarespace so what I actually pasted was the It’s A Both And piece over the cut pieces on the new document piece. Yep. This very action, caused me to layer over what I have previously pasted. Deflated, I closed the document and did not save it.

I realize now, there were a few steps that I could have taken to recover the cut pieces and I tried. After I was not successful, I accepted that the words I typed were gone. They once were and now they are not locatable. Yet, they flowed through me so they were with me at one point. Since I was connected to them and I can access them again.

What I find funny, not yet hilarious, is that the It’s A Both And piece is about accepting rather than separating, being inclusive of both my head and my heart, not favoring one or the other. And I wanted to separate a piece out of it to make it stand alone, in that very action, I was choosing one or another. What is also humorous to me is that I chose to use the 30,000 crows photo to accompany the It’s A Both And piece, and crows symbolize detachment, among other aspects, to me.

So here, what I have been playing with and putting into practice, is the very thing I am experiencing now. To detach. To not be attached. To let go and allow it to be.

What it is stirring up is the need to be accepting. Accepting that I no longer have access to the piece. Acknowledging the feeling that I am bummed about it and let down in a sense. It is also inviting me to see that this too is an opportunity to learn, to not hold on to and become attached to any outcome.

I acknowledge that when a story pops up in my mind, like “how did you do that?” “Why were you so careless?” “How did you let that happen?” that I am being hard on myself. The underlying story or the root of this is self-deprecating, feeling I should have done something different. Only now, when this shows up, I realize that I am not accepting myself for who I am, what I have done and where I am at. When these stories, these narratives show up I see now that I like when things are going my way, life feels easy when I am in agreement with how things are going and when something goes a different way, or when I disagree with how something is playing out, I am harder on myself and I am resistant. In this resistance there is self-hatred and self-violence, feeling I should be someone else or should have done something else. Sometimes it shows up as I should be somewhere else. Whatever it is, it comes with a should be, and that should be is not accepting me for who I am and what I have done. Showing me that at the root, I am not accepting of all of me, rather I only accept parts of me. Parts of me that I like, parts of me that I agree with. And here, I am shown that I am not accepting and loving of myself, all of myself. This very action, this awareness brings to light the struggle I have been battling in my mind- what I like about myself, I accept. What I do not like about myself, I reject. I can even say I resist.

Why do I resist myself? Why do I reject myself? How has this come to be?  I am in the practice of not analyzing this, so these are questions I am putting out there to be aware of. Asking and being curious, noticing what arises for me to see. Noticing what comes to the surface to see the light, to breathe in air. Noticing what wants to become known.

This inner battle. This opposition, born through taking a position against myself. Wow, to know this now. You are battling yourself Sara, you are fighting yourself, your very act of taking a stand is pitting yourself against yourself. This is an internal battle, one that you can fight from position of resistance or resolve through acceptance.

Full acceptance.

Not selective acceptance. Choosing the parts and pieces that are aligned with what I think is right or best, good or worthy, acceptable or in alignment with the story I want to tell.

Full acceptance.

It is full acceptance of who I am, how I am and where I am. Right now. Living in and from this present moment.

Not tugged into the past, not thrusting myself into the future. This is part of the pull, part of the battle. This non acceptance of the moment, wanting to be somewhere else, doing things differently so I would not be here. This very thought, these very thoughts are the acts of self-violence and self-hatred. This comes from not accepting myself for who I am, for wanting to be someone else, for feeling I should be someone else. The thought that I am still battling these inner thoughts, that I should be done with this, over it already remains. It lingers on. It has a strong essence; its presence has been so present in my life it has become familiar. This constant completion against myself. Against others. Yes, these thoughts signify that I am not in acceptance, that I am taking a stance against myself, wanting or shoulding myself to be anyone other than me or anywhere other than here. That me being me is not enough.

There is nowhere else to go. No one else to be. Why would I want to escape myself? I already know what that is like. I lived much of my life in avoidance of myself, running, hiding, numbing, donning masks to be someone else or at least to trying to be. Those were and are acts of violence against myself, and they are hurtful. Painful to turn my back on myself, to not like me for who I am. I did not see how hard I was on myself. The stories, telling myself to be more like someone else or to stop being the real authentic me because it got me in trouble.  The more I see this, the more I acknowledge these acts of hatred and self-violence, more arise, more come to the surface. This is what acceptance looks like for me, in one form and it comes with its partner forgiveness. Forgiving myself for what I have done and what I have not done. This can occur right now in the present moment.

That is the gift of this moment, and the next and the next. I can stay here in the present moment or I can relive the past or pretend to plan the future. Why would I choose to spend my energy on this, because this very act of being somewhere else rather than here is also a disservice to me, I am robbing myself from the experience of now. How much have I missed by not being here, how much have I missed by being in my mind?

This is a huge awareness. I had thought that it was my higher Self fighting my ego, but really it is my ego fighting my ego. My highest Self, my true Self already knows and is patiently waiting with open arms for me to return to her love, return home to her open arms. My ego wants to be right and it will stop at nothing, no matter which stance it takes and it loves divisiveness and suffering, this is what fuels it, gives it power. This inner resistance that weakens, that strives to weaken me, to tire me out. The voice that says, “I cannot take this anymore.”  What my ego does not know is that I have gained strength through my practice and I have grown strong through my commitment to myself, this strength and power is what fuels me and I do not want to fight anymore. What my ego is now realizing is, that it will have stop once I am home in the arms of the Divine. I know this from my practice, I have no thoughts when I am home within myself, at ease with myself. Nothing can access me there, nothing can get to me. That is how I know there is nothing wrong with me, because I have accessed myself through my commitment to myself through my practice. I see, I see what is happening. My ego is pulling out all of its tactics to keep me complacent, to keep me bound, in suffering in this constant pull. Yes, yes, yes, I see this now. My practice remains and when my ego comes on strong, I turn to my practice without a doubt, without hesitation. There is no turning back, I am in. I am committed and I am staying the course.

My life, life in general is not intended to be a burden or a struggle. It is meant to be lived fully, enlivened and celebrated. I have heard these words before, they have been shared with me, told to me. I have even repeated them out. But now I know, and with this new knowing I can choose, I can choose to stay in this state of duality, being yanked into the past or thrust into the future. Yes, I have a choice, I can live in a state of competition with myself or I can live from a place of ease and acceptance. Accepting myself fully. All of me, not only the parts that I like or agree with, or the parts that others like and agree with, I am every piece, every part. For I am a sum of all of my parts. I cannot be me without my experiences that made me, that brought me here. So why do I want to shun or ignore parts of me, the parts that fuel me, that give me power, that have taught me to rise up, to stand up, to claim my space and be seen. Why would I only want to show parts of me that I think others would like so I would fit in and be accepted? I can rewrite my stories, accepting my choices and celebrating my actions rather than feeling ashamed or regretful. For staying in that stance, seeing life from that position is limiting and depleting. It is diminishing and punitive. It is a hurtful stance, an act against myself, one that I am no longer choosing to live by.

There is nothing wrong with me. There never has been and there never will be. The more I accept this, the more whole I become.

I acknowledge each and every part and piece of me.

I accept each and every piece of me.

I welcome each and every piece of me.

I love each and every piece of me.

I see myself as whole and complete.

A sum of all of my part and pieces, inclusive of all of the experiences I have had that brought me here.

The life I live is my life. For I am life itself. Life flows through me and life flows through you. I can choose to continue to live this life as a battle, in opposition with myself or I can choose to celebrate and cherish this opportunity to be here, living fully and being in joy with all that comes my way.

Cherishing, swirling and giggling with delight,

Sara

It's a Both And

Have you ever said something to a friend and been surprised by what came from your mouth, the words you speak or type and how the message to the dear friend is the same message that you yourself can benefit from hearing? The words that you share are the very words that you need to hear or read, the words that you need to receive?

This happened to me as I typed a text message to a beloved friend.  These are the words I shared:

Beloved.

Hug.

You are showing up for

Yourself in ways that

You have before,

It’s slightly different

With these circumstances

With this, you know you can

TRUST yourself, rely on

Yourself in challenging times

Stay with this truth

Stay with this knowing and

Return to it when you

Forget and get caught

In the tide of self-doubt

 And worry

The grip of fear is strong-

It wants everything to remain

As it is, the same

But that is not possible,

For we exist in time

And in time there is change

There is growth and decay

That is the nature of nature

What remains is your relationship with

Yourself

You are love itself

Choose love

Choose yourself

I have been in the pull of duality. Have you ever been there? The tug? The back and forth? The doubt? The questioning? The worry? Have you ever experienced this? Yes, it is true, I have been here in this pull of duality. And I know exactly how I got here. I read a line in an email, a line that lit me up.

There was a brief awareness of gratitude, gratitude for what was, gratitude for what is and gratitude for what will come. I glimpsed this, I felt this. I observed this. And then the grip of time mind took over. It was as if it swooped in and put its claws on my chest, taking away my breath while I looked from side to side bewildered, wondering what is happening, what just happened?

Ah, the grip of the mind. The stories. The narrative. The habitual patterns and trends. Its ability to dream and create expectations. Its strength draws me away from the present moment thrusting me into the future while yanking me back to the past all the while full of self-doubt and worry, asking myself how did I get here? What did I do wrong? How did I mess this one up? What sign did I miss? What subtle clue did I override? 

Yes, this its power. This is the power of duality, especially when I am stuck in the mind. Once I am here, I debate myself. I criticize. I judge. I defend. I cry. I scream. I feel lost. I am confused. Disoriented. Unsure. And here I remain until I gain some clarity, some solid ground, some space.

Sometimes it takes a long while for me to arrive to the space of silence where I access clarity. I had already witnessed that the only thing that shifted once I read the email was the state of my mind, everything around me remained the same. The birds were flying, the train passed by, the flowers were growing. Everything on the external was continuing on the way it had been. It was my mind that changed, there was a shift there and I could feel it throughout my body. So I decided in that moment to turn to techniques I have been taught. I worked with my breath to shift my state rather than remain stuck.  I have learned that talking helps in some aspects and taking action through kriya helps me in others. While sitting on my cushion and activating my inner fire and will, I was able to gain perspective, gain separation. I was able to distance myself and see from a new lens.

I find observing is a wonderful way to spend time. I have always been curious and I wonder a lot. I like to reflect. I like to dissect situations, looking at them with my current lens asking what could I have done differently. And you know what, I find it really doesn’t help. I cannot go back; I cannot make the change and at times this awareness of not being able to change what has happened brings me to a place of feeling stuck.  It also brings to the surface my tendency to analyze. When I analyze I often judge and when I judge I often critique. Then I find myself defending and or justifying my action, my “why.” 

What if, instead of moving into a place of analyzation I simply notice? What if I observe? From this place of observing, I have the ability to be distant, separate from rather than tied up in or caught by the thoughts and narratives. When I observe I am noticing what is happening as an observer.  I am a witness. Being with what I see, what I feel, whatever is arising without attaching a thought to it. I am being with, rather than clinging to. I am watching from the outside, not getting drawn in to the drama, the old story with victims, villains and heroes. Instead, I am watching it all play out. Removed, like watching a play or a movie from the seat of an audience rather than being in it on the stage or set.

I notice that I fluctuate here too, feeling the tug of observing and analyzing, noticing and judging, witnessing and critiquing. This duality is exhausting. This back and forth, which should I do, where should I put my energy towards, what is the right action to take…. And then I remember that I am in my head. Spending time listening to my head, getting sucked in more and more to the side that wants to be right, to be correct, to do the right thing, to not get this wrong, to not make a mistake.

I have been exploring living from my heart. I have been exploring living from my head. I spend time observing this. I used to think I had to live from one and not the other, that living from my heart was better than living from my head. “Get out of the head and into the heart,” is a phrase that I have told myself. As I type this, I see this is another form of duality- one or the other. I positioning myself, telling myself one is better than the other. That I am doing it wrong if I am living from my head. That I am too, “idealistic” if I am living from my heart. But those are just words, phrases that I have been told, that I have picked up from here and there and carried around as if they are mine. They are not. I have lived from my head. I have lived from my heart. I live from my head. I live from my heart. I type from my head. I type from my heart. I love from my head. I love from my heart. What I am actually doing when I position myself against myself, is going against myself, fighting myself. When I take a stand like this, I am setting myself up to either be right or wrong. This is the internal battle, this positionality is at the root of the duality.

Why does it need to be one or the other? Why can I not accept them as a both and? This practice of acceptance is not wanting to be somewhere else, someone else. Or the familiar story of “I will be when…,” no that is self-hatred, that is violence to the self. It is toxic when I say or tell myself I am worthy only when I clean all of this up, when I am healed, when I have no more fluctuations.

When I do not accept the here and now, I am in resistance. When I do not accept what is unfolding now, what is being offered now, offered for me to see, to see what is here in this space in which learning happens, there is opposition within. I have to catch myself and be aware to not write, that which is still here, because using those words implies that, whatever I am resisting should be gone. It implies that I should be- either should be someone else, or should be somewhere else. This is a focusing on the doing, what has been done rather accepting what is here, seeing what is here, acknowledging what is here. This creates struggle. This very act creates the pull, the tension, the polarity.

I tell myself; I have cleared this. I have done this sadhana or practice. I have done this and that. This narrative is like a tick in a box. Check, done this. Check, done that. Been there, addressed that. It is dismissing the now, that which is here now, ignoring that which is arising and presenting itself to be seen. What I am actually saying to myself is that I have failed because it is still here. I am battling myself for not getting it done, taking care of it, completing the task. The voice in my mind says to me, this should already be gone, cleaned up, taken care of. As if there is an end point that I am supposed to arrive to.

I received a text from Jeanette with a message from her yogi tea that spoke directly to my struggle:

May your head and your heart speak with one voice.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Of course. I was bringing the duality into the head and the heart, thinking that they are separate entities, separate technologies, separate wisdom, when they are one. My practice, my daily practice is to come into alignment, bringing the head and the heart into alignment meeting together at the throat chakra and speaking as one, one unified voice. No longer separate entities, separate places and spaces, rather they are united, together as one. Aligned.

This is a huge AHA for me. This is a huge shift of awareness. Separate but the same. Inextricably connected and working together in tune, in alignment for the greater good of my being.

Sharing from my head and my heart, as one,

Sara

In the Great Unfolding of Now

We are what we put out

We are what we send out

We are a part of a circle

A feedback loop

That which we look for, finds us.

We bring it towards us

We invite it to us

We are a magnet

We attract our current state

We draw life towards us

Based on our thinking, feeling and emotion state

For life can only be the way we are

What is it you desire, your deepest longing

Set the attention of your heart here,

maintain your awareness on this

Bring it in

Bring it towards you

Welcome it in with open arms

Receiving in the moment

No waiting

Now

What is your deepest hearts’ desire

That which you long for, yearn for

Call it in

Invite it towards you

Receive it with open arms

In the great unfolding of NOW

These Are The Learning Grounds

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

                                                                                    -The Invitation

How many times have I disappointed myself to be true for someone else? To be what they want me to be? To be what they need me to be? To be what I think they want me to be? To be how they want me to be?  How many times I have turned my back on myself to be for someone else?

These are the questions that arise when I read this. 

How many times have I disappointed myself? How many times have I not been true to my self?

Does this resonate with you?  Does this meet you?  What do you feel stirring within?  A hint of nausea, yes. Nausea, mixed with immense power. Why? For once you know something you can not unknow it. Forget, yes. This happens for me, this forgetting. Knowing something, really knowing something in the core of your being, at the core of your being- is different. There is no going back once this is known. I will never turn my back on myself the way I have in the past. I will no longer succumb to the pull, the draw of being anyone other than me, anyone other than the truth of who I am, of who I know to be.

Can I disappoint another to be true to me? Yes. It is possible? Yes. Am I willing? Yes. I have and I will, again and again and again. The more I take these steps, the more I break out of the old pattern of disappointing myself to be for someone else, the more familiar it becomes, the easier it is. It is the steps, the early steps that are critical to build the foundation to return to again and again and again.

When I forget, I will rise and face myself fully. Meeting myself with the grace that is needed in the moment. Adaptable, responsive, nurturing, loving, enveloping because I cannot get this wrong. You cannot get this wrong. It is not possible. If I ignore the inner knowing, the subtle clues and messages. If I override them thinking my way is better or someone else’s way is better, I will be provided an opportunity to face myself again, to go at it again, to have another chance. What is for me is the same for you.

For that is all we have, possibilities and opportunities.

We have only forgotten this.

These are the learning grounds.

They can be soft and forgiving, padding your fall. They can be hard, rough and cold providing a shock to the system, a call to wake up and see things from a different perspective.

There are only solutions, infinite ways to see, to address, to overcome, to transcend.

If we are willing to see.

If we are willing to see.

This is why we are here, to learn.

For these are the learning grounds.

Meeting you here, for where else can we be, besides here.

With a hug,

Sara

Silence. Part 1.

Why is silence important to me?

What does silence mean to me?

I used to not know what silence was

What did it require?

What was it?

To silence the mind?

To be quiet?

To not talk?

To not fill the space?

To hold back?

As I sit with this

I ask, what is necessary to convey?

What is needed to share?

To be spoken

To be said

To bring into this moment

What is the desire?

What is behind the words?

Is it that silence is uncomfortable?

That you are uncomfortable in silence

With silence

Why it is that you have to share, have to say something?

To be seen

Acknowledged

Heard

Be paid attention to

Why are you sharing?

Are you aware of this?

Are you aware of the power of your voice?

That which you say

That which you birth

That which leaves your lips and remains in minds

Are you aware of this?

Are you aware of this power?

Yes, this is why silence is important to me, because of the power of words.

Being Backed

I write about being backed, backing yourself and I thought, maybe folks what to know more about what I mean when I say being backed.

I have found from experience that we can be backed by our attention, our will, our volition. When we back ourselves, we know we are supporting ourselves, never giving up on ourselves, never turning away from ourselves.

It starts slowly and builds. This backing gains momentum and strength. It gains staying power when we commit to ourselves again and again and again.  This backing comes when we direct our attention, when we are aware of what we are putting our attention to and on. 

Backing and feeling backed by myself has come through a variety of lessons. They could be called challenges to some; I choose to see them as opportunities to grow. For so long I would show up for others, do for others, act and say for others from a place that was disconnected from myself. In this place I was often seeking approval and acceptance from others, so I would act, do and be driven from an external drive.  Until I met myself and began spending time with myself and then I began acting, doing and being me driven by an internal will, an inner volition.

This is a journey, one that I am on every day. At times it feels “easier and more fluid than others.” Do not be deceived, the wavering is still here. This dance, the gentle pull or forceful yank of this play between external and internal is still here, lurking under the water, slowly bringing its eye to the surface to make itself known. There is no end game. There is no end. This is a process that is never ending. There is no, “I’ve got it, I’ve achieved this or I’ve accomplished this and it is over and done with, never to surface again.”  No, what I find is that there is always more, layers upon layers. Each and every time I discover there is more. More arises, more to address, more to be seen. Always more.

It is here, in the moments when this stuff surfaces that I gain backing. When I sit with it, face it, acknowledge it, accept it, it is in these actions that I gain backing. I gain momentum. I access strength. I back myself by facing it fully, rather than running away or diverting attention to avoid or hide. I have gathered practices to support me in this backing and I can turn to mantra, shift my breath or get on my mat. I call a friend or I write. I have learned that depending on what it is that is showing up requires different practices to address it. If a negative thought, feeling or pattern shows up that I am aware of, it requires certain energy to redirect and focus. If whatever is showing has a tight grip and is all consuming it requires a deeper practice to shift.

I know this now. This knowing is backed by the experiences that have led me to this knowing, all of the times that have come before this moment that have led me here. Inclusive of them all, even the ones that I would rather ignore or turn my head from. All. Every moment is an opportunity to learn and grow.  How do you show up in these moments, moments of discomfort? What do you do?  What are your patterns, habits, tendencies? What is your go to response or reaction?  Do you know? You can start by observing, noticing, being curious and paying attention. This is how I began and I know you can learn a lot about yourself from these actions.

We all have to start somewhere. Why not start at the very beginning, with you, the one who has been with you from the start, from the beginning.

For you are always here, always here and the invitation is to return back to yourself. The invitation is for all of us to return to ourselves, the truth of who we are. Who we have always been and will always be. Who else can do this work, besides you?

Meeting you here, in this truth,

Sara

A Play with Words

There is a subtle switch between scared and sacred. Do you see it?

There is a subtle shift between scared and scarred. Do you see it?

There is a subtle change between altar and alter. Do you see it?

For me, the experiences of seeing this have been subtle yet profound.  The experiences that come with this seeing shift me. Creating shifts in my knowing. Shifts in my relationship with my self, with others. Shifts in my experiences with my experiences, my memories, that which I remember. Small, delicate shifts that lead to huge shifts, life changing shifts. Shifts that are life altering.

I recall a text I sent to my mom when I was in India that captures the essence of this play with words and shifts.  Here is the exchange:

Ah yes, I have an altar to alter my relationship with myself. For those of you who have witnessed my journey in person or have read about it, you know that I love words. You also know that I used to run from myself, hide, numb, distract, divert, plan, overbook- I would do anything to avoid spending time alone with myself. Alone? Me? With Myself? Why would I want to do that when there are so many other things I could be doing?

Yes, this is how I used to feel. Used to feel. Now, all I want to is be alone and spend time with myself. This is what I mean when I say there is a subtle shift that is life altering.  I used to avoid spending time with myself, until all I had was time with myself. In the beginning, while in India I did not have access to my distraction outlets. I did not have work, emails or drinks and dates with friends. What I did have, was myself. Myself and time. Time to be with myself.

At first, I did not know what to do. How to fill my time. How to pass time. And time felt it passed slowly.  One of the ways I first began mediating was to sit still, to sit through an entire song. To sit without moving, without getting up to do. To sit. To sit for a ten minute song. That was the beginning.

Slowly, slowly, I was introduced to an altar, a place in which special objects, things acquired were placed to focus my attention when it wandered, to help maintain my gaze. I was introduced to mantra, a phrase or sound to repeat again and again, noticing when my mind carried me off to far away places in time- to the past, to the future, bringing my awareness back to the present moment with my mantra.

I also began to have full on conversations with myself, literally pulling up a chair and inviting myself, the shadow side of my self that I did not want to face, that I wanted to ignore, to stuff down, to turn away from, to pretend it was not there to sip of cup of chai together.

Ah, there is the word, pretend. To pretend. How long did I pretend? How long did I ignore my true self, turning away from it out of fear of what I would see, meet? Out of fear of what would greet me as I turned towards myself. How long did I do this?

Looking back, I have always been interested in learning about myself, wanting to know more, asking questions, reflecting, pondering. There was a never settled feeling that drove this, this feeling that there had to be more to this, this day to day, day in and day out way of life that I had been living. I was seeking. I wanted. I sought. And when I couldn’t find or wasn’t satisfied it sent me back to my old ways, tendencies and patterns.

Until, slowly, slowly I gained momentum.  Through the time I spent being with myself, staying committed to my practice, I began to back myself. I began to rely on myself by turning inwards for answers rather than seeking externally. Yes, there were times when I felt alone. There still are. Times when I felt no one else would understand. That I could not locate the words to describe or tell. Until I realized that no one else has to understand. No one else has to ‘get it,’ for it is not theirs to get, it is mine. We have similar experiences, similar stories, similar journeys, yet each is individual, each is our own, each is unique. The energy I put forth trying to locate the exact word to convey how I was, who I was or where I was, drained me. I was exhausted, tired.

Choosing rather to use that energy for me, turning the energy that I would put out so others would get it, would get me, I gave to myself. Softness comes with this. So does permission. An acceptance arises, when you access this sacredness within yourself. There is a subtle shift from being scared of yourself to accessing the sacredness of who you are, of how you came here, of why you are here. An immense grace arises and holds you, embracing you when you surrender in to this.

Scarred yes. The scars are here. Visible marks, traces on the body and mind of the journey that led you here, the steps that have been taken to arrive here. And with this shift, this subtle shift from being scared and hurt, of being a victim softens and you see, with total acceptance all that has happened has led you here, to the very core of your being, the sacredness of yourself.

That every step. Every action. Every choice. Every moment has led you home to your heart.

Upon reflection, looking back you would not change a thing you see this now and you welcome time to pass slowly.

Meeting you here at the altar of this truth,

Sara