Journal Entry from September 6, 2021

In keeping with sharing open and honestly, I have typed my journal entry from the day after I wrote the letter to myself (see the previous post). Sometimes we get snapshots of a process or events and I feel called to share more “behind the scenes” of what was being stirred up for me to see. Looking back, it felt like I was being uprooted. Have you ever seen a tree that has fallen over and been able to look, really look at the root structure, how vast it is, where it went and what it held on to? Rereading my journals, at times is similar to this. I open pages and revisit moments that I have written, from a raw and real place, with a new perspective, with a gaze that has distance. So here it is, a journal entry from September 6, 2021.

I sat with myself, my self last night. A ceremony. A speaking of the truth, honesty, acceptance, acknowledging steps toward, no, steps of forgiveness

No where to arrive to

No going somewhere

Not if I do this, then……

Now. I forgave last night. I see and forgive now.

I see clearly how fear is a driver in my life.

I need to do….

If I don’t do…..then I won’t grow

I am not worthy

I want to be like them

I know. It feels silly to write out, read and this is what is in my mind. The narrative I tell myself over and over, the narrative I have told myself over and over.

I am not

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough . I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough being with this right here, right now.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.

These words written here, now in the sun as the sun casts a shadow on the paper of my pen and hand

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy.

This acceptance. This acknowledgement. This recognition that I need to do more, be more, achieve more, contribute more is a story, is a narrative one that is not mine, one that I have picked up.

The story I have been telling myself is…

If I do……… then something will happen.

If I do ---- journeys and meditate everyday and do puja and commit to my practice and sadhana then something will happen. I will access the field of silence, my like will radically shift, all will come to me, as if it is not happening now.

I am missing that this, these events, notions in the mind are occurring now. It is like, I dreamt about not working and devoting myself to my practice, service, writing, learning, growing and it is happening now. I am so caught up in what isn’t, the lack rather than the love, that I am missing the bliss, the joy in this now. right now.

Waking to have a chai, write in the morning sun with the sounds of birds, cicadas, insects. To feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the brightness so I squint.

Reveling. Cherishing.

I asked around. What else do I need.

No thing, Sara.

There is no thing to do.

No thing to achieve

No where to go

Be here, right now, in this

Present moment

Be with your breath, be with your

Breath

Here

The thoughts are attempts to escape, take me away from here

From here, this very moment.

The thoughts seek, are evidence of seeking, wanting, which comes from lack

No recognition of the beauty of, in this

Moment

Wanting more

Here.

I arrive here, with that deep exhale, sigh, all along it, the moment the experience I have been seeking, longing for is right here

Available now

By turning to my breath

Accessing the field of stillness and silence

Within

No where to go

No were to be

No thing to do

Because the breath is always here, breathing me

It is not something I have to do

Is does it for me

My body breathes for me

On its own

Without being told

It shows up and breathes

All of the time

It has not given up on me, us

This breath which is more than air

It is life force

Connection of life and body

No breath, no life

It is what flows

All else can cease- sight, hearing, touch, taste, when your breath goes, so does the body

What we know of us here, now is in this form

Atcha

I’ve requested clarity and it is here

I am always been in service, this I know.

And I enjoy it, find pleasure, joy in serving.

Now I see it is also connected to being seen

Acknowledged

Rather than dismissed

Seen as an individual, not my traits or qualities

Rather being seen as an expression of the Divine, a human being

Someone like you, someone like me

We are connected

We all need a heart, to breathe or a machine to pump our blook and air and breathe

So I am you. Different but the same.

That is the invitation.

To show up, as see another as yourself

As you, as an extension or possibility of you

That could be you.

On 9.11, first responders were trained, trained, trained to turn towards, to go in and up

Everyday citizens showed up

Showed up, acted

Took action

Didn’t remain stuck in the same place

Didn’t allow fear to paralyze, limit, restrict

Move beyond, move with

Active shooters- don’t sit, no sitting

Take action

You stay in the same place

WHAT?

I couldn’t run

I couldn’t leave

I mean, I could have

I could have stood up and left

But I didn’t

Was that something I learned in school on how to be

A teacher

Don’t leave your students in the time of crisis, an air attack

Life-most events in life are not planned for, not prepared for

And yet, here I am

And the children I was with that day, the children in my class

Our community

All arrived in the loving arms of an adult, parent, friend, grandparent

As we walked, ran, among herds of people

Herd, huge gatherings

Not one child was

Lost, misplaced, unaccounted for

This is a huge responsibility in a city

On field trips alone, and on this day

When folks were driven by fear, panic

Worry

And Asher invited me to look at the moon, to look at the moon.

We do the best we can with what

we have, in the moment

We do the best we can with what

We have in the moment

I know this from experience

Yes, I could have done things differently

I could have said,

Yes, the towers might fall

That might happen

But at the time

That concept was not possible in my mind

I had not witnessed that, experienced that

So it was not, for me, within my reach

Some children know no other

Drones in their windows

Bombs

Gun fire

These are their knowns

An invitation to have deep gratitude

For all you have

All the supports around you

That you are held

Held

They said, the children, the children, the children

We said, what about us?

I’ve also become aware, this it is, it has been difficult for me to receive

When folks do nice things for me, things that can nurture me, hold me

Feel good for me

Drawing a bath, massaging my feet,

Offering help

I balk. I resist.

Denis shared this morning in practice this new moon is an invitation to transcend childhood stuff we have been holding on to

I invite love and freedom

Acceptance and grace

Peace within and without

To share this from a place of stillness, ease, peace, fullness

Amrita Pranayam, sip from the nectar of life, the eternal nectar, nectar of light and love and offer gratitude, service- offer back into the world.

Last night I got, received this

Get up and go to the bathroom, the soul needs to change, to travel toward the child, to childhood, to a child

I thought to record it when it was clear, but I didn’t. I woke, peed and got back to rest.

Solid sleep.

Now, 20 years later I see how I

Faced fear that day

How I looked fear in the face

And rose up, stood up

With a strong spine and compassionate

Trusting, loving heart

Trusting, trusting

Not escaping, not fleeing

No adding hysteria and fear

Remaining calm

I asked for help

I asked others for help

Put down your cameras and help

We have children

Now, so accustomed to images, it feels distant

No connection

Actual moment, captured, frozen, still

Not static, not static

Dynamic, movement, energy, emotion

Image

Games screens- shooting

Destruction

Buildings falling, collapsing

Known familiar, common

It wasn’t to me

Not familiar to me

Everyone has a story

Everyone has an experience, a memory

Stored in their mind

Mine is one of service

Of overcoming fear

Standing up and acting

Stepping, talking, taking action

Not

Remaining frozen, static, stuck

…..the ocean

Her presence today. Many rolling, lolly waves. One after another. Up, down, full of water, water in front, water behind.

I, today, for the second time, laid on my back, head towards the vastness, feet toward the shore.

Jai Ma, I chanted, as I rose up and down

Total trust with what came

What met me

Meeting myself here, now,

Sara