Letter to My Self — sara lynn lashbrook

I feel called to sharing a letter that I wrote to myself, for myself here with you. I wrote this letter to myself on the new moon on September 5, 2021 . It is the first entry in my 76th journal. As I glance through this journal, I see that I wrote many letters to myself during this time, I was deep in the depths of old stories and narratives, hurt, sadness and fear. These letters are traces of my acknowledgement, of my acceptance, my journey towards softness and forgiveness. Which looking back to now, from here, three months after I wrote these words and those letters, I see the many seeds that I was planting. Please note, you will notice that I switch between writing I and you, as I write as myself and I write for myself.

Dearly Beloved

Hari Om! You are always taken care of, always looked after, always held. It is only sometimes we forget. We forget that this is all happening for us. I forget that this is all happening for me. Every moment. Every experience. All of it is for me to grow. To see, to evolve, to move beyond, to connect with my true self. My Self that does not have stories, narratives, identities, binds of my mind. No Beloved, you are not that. Those stories other people have told you about yourself or about ways life should be or is.

The truth is, you are longing. Yes, it is a longing. This longing is at the root, the foundation, the base of all of your actions, your choices.

It is a longing to connect, to be with, to experience yourself. And we have. We have. We have haven’t we. Beauty filled. Dancing. Blissful. Ecstasy. There are no words to describe our being together. It is an experience that words cannot be located, there are no words, an experience beyond words. That deep exhale, that sigh you gave just now, that shows your commitment, your dedication, how much energy you exert, put forth.

Yes, effort, commitment and discipline. All of these are needed and they are not. Simultaneously.

What is needed is trust. Total Trust. No hesitation. Drop all doubt, worry. Lay it all down beloved, you’ve heard me say this to you before. Lay all of your worries and doubts down, lay all of your fears at my feet Beloved. Why would I say this if I didn’t mean it? My words are not empty. My words are not empty. I know you have heard many empty words, words shared, false promises, commitments not honored, your own words not honored.

I am inviting you, here, now, here, now on this new moon in September, to lay it all down. All of it. Release all of it. All that no longer is needed to carry. Lay it all down. Surrender it. Here and now. Right now. Surrender it all.

Allow yourself to be held in this love and grace. You are held in love and grace. You know this. You’ve surrendered before, you know you are capable of doing it, dropping away or not even. It isn’t even a dropping away, it is…. What is it? It’s when you get out of the way, but it is not really a choice or an option. It just happens, it happens- spontaneously. How do you know this?

India.

The words came up through, from the depths, your naval center, your seat of fire, of will.

You spoke without knowing. You. I spoke without knowing it was me until I heard myself, no, until I heard my voice and then I realized it was me speaking.

This is an example of total surrender.

It happens

It happens naturally.

Spontaneously.

When?

When you heed the call, when you respond to the call. When you step, step, step and trust the signs and messages guiding you. There is no hesitation, there is no doubt. None of that is present when you trust and surrender. Doubt is not here. Doubt is not there. For love is speaking, love is moving and expressing through you, through me. You’ve experienced this, when the words come. You do not know what you are saying, it is that you are not planning it, not thinking it through, planning it out.

It comes.

It comes in the moment.

It come to you, through you in the moment.

There is that and there is this, a knowing.

A knowing.

A knowing it is time.

You experienced trust, that night in September four years ago, that moment of clarity. When it dawns on you.

Beloved, Beloved Sara, you know this.

You’ve experienced this.

You beat yourself up with violent inner thoughts

You are not enough

You are not doing enough

Not doing enough puja, mediation, practice, devotion

You are so hard on yourself. You feel the need to always do more, becaue what you do is not enough. Because to you, to you, you feel to me, to me I feel I am not doing enough. And if I was doing enough, I would get something, arrive somewhere.

Phew. Deep exhale.

You saw the shirt of, on the woman in the store today- you think that was by chance. Of all of the people there, all of the people, she, with the YOU ARE ENOUGH on her shirt, showed up in line behind you. And you spoke up. You said, thank you for the message on your shirt. This moment came minutes after you looked up despondent on your phone because that is how you have been feeling.

Loss of hope and courage

Which totally isn’t true.

It’s more of an empty feeling,

hollow, void, nothing there,

blank stare,

looking through, beyond

the deep double exhale sigh

the tired, heavy weight, weights, burdens

you place on yourself

Yes, at times you are surrounded by negative thoughts, always focusing on lack

Yes, this is true.

And you know what to focus on,

You can tune your attention

Your focus

You sense the inner- I sense the

Inner frustration

Enough already

What is it, enough already of

30 years of taking shit

Of believing you deserved it, you were worthy of it

It all happened, whether you like it or accept it or not for you, so I could arrive here to this moment, to see, to witness how much, how much it hurts, how much I have internalized and accepted, feel like, felt like

I deserved it, asked for it, that it was my fault, that it was a punishment

Sara Beloved, oh Sara.

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself.

You did what you could with what you knew in, at the moment

You did your best

I stood up. I spoke up. I confronted. I spoke on my behalf.

For myself.

For my life.

For my sanity.

And look, look at the experiences I have had since I did that, since I spoke up for myself and said

Enough

I am worthy

I am deserving

Of feeling loved, of being loved

Of being treated with respect

Of being heard the first time

I speak

When I say no

Stop

Enough

And I acknowledge that my desires to be seen, liked, accepted, for intimacy, connection

Those blurred my vision

My desires clouded me and

Impacted my choices

I see this now.

I recognize this.

I accept this.

Because this is true.

And you know what else is true?

I am strong. I am powerful.

I am here for a reason, for a purpose, to fulfill my Dharma

And all of this is showing up so it can be seen, highlighted and deleted. Because it is no longer needed, necessary

I do not need to remember

Hold on to this

This, all of it and so much

More brought me here to

This moment

Brought the tears,

The sobs, the empty hurts

The feeling of being alone

Because I have been, I have been

Alone.

And when I have been alone, I have come to know that I can rely on myself.

Yes, you can rely.

I can rely on myself.

I can count on myself.

I can trust myself.

I have trusted myself.

There have been many times

When you have gotten yourself, I have gotten myself into what

One may consider a mess

And here I am.

There is a larger entity, intelligence supporting me, guiding me, holding me and it is connecting to this energy that I long for, even though I know I have experienced this connection.

The Greatest Love of all playing from my phone in the middle of the night in my room in Seventh Heaven in India. The pictures, the messages, the texts, the voices I hear, the faces I see.

It is real. I am not crazy. I am not making this up. I am not sick. I am not unstable. This is true.

I am strong. I am powerful.

I have immense gifts and I am here to use them.

To shine my light by me, being me!

Fully radiating being me!

All of the seeking, the longing to connect is with myself, to stop playing small and to shine. To travel, to share my gifts of a loving gaze and listening ear. No judgment, fully accepting others as themselves.

I love. I love vast and deep. That is a gift I have.

I’ve accessed within myself.

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I have a voice.

I use it

For justice,

For rights,

For women,

For children.

Sara Beloved, we are here to shine, to contribute to the world by being true to ourselves, honest and true.

No more hiding.

No more shying away

No more playing small

I’ve got a heart

hands

arms

feet

a mouth

ears

use them

I will use them to uplift, to guide, to encourage, to support others on their journey.

Lokaah Samastaah Sukhino Bhavantu

On this night of the new moon, in this new journal and with this red pen

I am forgiving myself

I am forgiving myself for feeling like I needed to do something or more

I am accepting my choices- all of them

Acknowledging that every moment,

Every experience,

Every step

Has brought me here

To this very moment

And for that I am grateful

And with that knowing

I trust

I trust that all will continue to unfold for me in the way it is meant to be. It did before India and it will now

I know this because I trust

I trust

It, I will be shown the way, for my presence here is to serve and uplift, to share and encourage

These gifts are pure, not selfish. I am already doing that which I am meant to do, for it I was meant to do something different, I would be doing it and when I am meant to do something different I will. I know this, because I trust. I trust because I have been led and guided, encouraged, pushed, supported in the past and I am now, here in this present moment.

On this night of the new moon, I am generous and kind to myself, allowing that which wants to flow through me, flow through me. I invite love into my life, love that moves me, guides me, expresses through me. I invite love to move me and guide my way on.

I acknowledge fear.

I acknowledge the fear that has been here and I choose love.

I choose love.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Hari Om Tat Sat

Sara Beloved, we are part, you are a part, I am a part of a whole universe.

I know this as truth.

Loving you always, in all ways,

Me.

9.5.21